The ShutMyMouth Diet

That’s right.  I am officially on a diet.  If I write it here for God and all to see then I have to stick with it!

When women have chronic illnesses, it often is very much out of our control what we weigh. Medications, our diseases, and not being able to exercise because of the pain and energy zapping we feel, all contribute to how much we weigh.

Now I am going to talk numbers, for me personally.  I am 5 feet 6 inches tall.  You may be envious of my current weight but the fact is that I am not happy about it.  Everything is relative, you know?  I weigh the most I have ever weighed, except for being pregnant, 157 pounds. Now, I know that some of it is swelling, but who knows how much weight that is, a couple of pounds? Less?  No one can answer that for me!  I seem to wear it well, and am currently wearing sizes 8s, 10s and 12s.  Sizes are crazy aren’t they?  How can I still wear my size 8s?  Why are some size 10s swimming on me?  I have what I would describe as a Rubenesque figure.  Only we don’t live in the 1600s:-(

For many years I was a solid size 10 with my weight being around 145 pounds, give or take. I got comfortable in my size 10 clothes, I accepted “size 10 me”, finally.  Some people would even praise the fact that my weight never wavered.

Then I had Tyler.  My pre-pregnancy weight was 146 pounds and I gained just 23 pounds as I had Gestational Diabetes and had to be careful.  When I came home from the hospital, my stomach had already shrunk considerably and I had already lost 13 pounds, which really is like the baby and the crap that you carry with the baby.

In one month or less I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  And then I just kept going.  I was not on a diet, I was not doing anything.  I had a stomach virus on top of that and so when Tyler was seven months old I weighed a horrendous 117 pounds!  I looked like a heroin chic model.  People at my new job were telling me, “YOU just had a baby?  You look amazing!”

But I hated myself.  This wasn’t ME.  I had gone from years of being a size 10 to a size 4! I would look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I was in shock over my skeletal frame.  While people were praising me for my weight loss and amazing will power, my doctors were flummoxed. My endocrinologist was telling me I was just plain crazy. He said it in a bit nicer way, he said I had post-partum issues and should be seeing a Psychiatrist and therapist, but I already was, the big dummy.  Is it even necessary to say I fired him?  I was being tested for every cancer there was since unexplained weight loss is a major symptom of cancer.  No cancer, thankfully.

I used to test the power of eating anything and everything I wanted.  I used to have half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, sometimes more, every night.  After the stomach virus and a return to a desk job I did stabilize into a comfortable size six.  I started to like being a size six, and who wouldn’t?  Being able to wear trendy or classic office clothes without looking like I was trying to stretch them just to fit into them.  I was always the kind of woman who made it a habit to go the next size up, rather than attempt to fit into the size they weren’t any more.  It was more flattering.

I realize now that Lupus was starting.  It had taken over my metabolism, my endocrine system. Lupus wanted me thin and so I was.  I was finally that willowy amazon that I had thought could only be found in my dreams.  The only thing that I didn’t have was I have always wished I was shorter. Oh, they have such cute things for petite women, don’t they? Well, that probably IS going to happen too since I have Osteoporosis and have already shrunk a few inches.  Be careful what you wish for, right?

Enough with the past, let’s get to how I ended up being 160 pounds.  My meds for my mental illnesses, and my mental illnesses themselves, make me want to eat.  My pain makes me want to eat. Sometimes it is so bad, I don’t want to feel it any more, I want to feel an Oreo cookie, you know? Someone told me that eating releases the same pleasurable endorphins as narcotics or exercise or being happy.  For me the only thing that works is the food as I cannot exercise, I do not get high from my drugs and happiness around here is short lived.  I only have the Oreos!

I also have this weird feeling that I cannot nap or sleep unless I feel full.  The food helps make me sleepy and it is easier to get to sleep.  Or then I have insomnia and I get hungry, being up for two to three hours in the middle of the night, who wouldn’t?

But what really convinced me that I had to do something was the amazing Christine Miserandino, The Spoon Lady, of the amazing But You Don’t Look Sick blog.  I saw pictures of her recently and she is already so beautiful but now she has lost the weight she was lamenting about and she looks fabulous!

I don’t know how Christine did it, but I have decided to go on the ShutMyMouth Diet.  I have decided that I am stronger than Lupus, Depression, or my meds and I DO have control over how much I weigh.  I will not let them have their “weigh” with me any longer.

So far I have lost a pound on the ShutMyMouth Diet but more so, I feel like I am once again the Master of my body, the Queen of my Temple, or whatever you would like to call it.  I am not advocating that YOU should go on the ShutMyMouth Diet, you should consult your doctor before beginning any diet, but for me, what harm could the ShutMyMouth Diet really do?

My goal is to lose a reasonable 20 pounds in how ever long it takes, as I will be eating my usual meals and a treat when I want it, as long as it is within reason.  Maybe I am on to something with this new ShutMyMouth Diet?

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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7 Responses to The ShutMyMouth Diet

  1. Dave Z. says:

    For what it’s worth (and it may be worth nothing), you look just fine to me – your inner beauty complements your outer beauty, and both are OK with me. Of course, you are the one who has to be comfortable with your body, so you should do as you need to – I just wanted you to know that no matter what you weigh, you’re beautiful, inside and out.

  2. It feels good to gain control over something that feels so out of control. It sounds like you’ve got a good plan (slow and steady…nothing too drastic) and some good self-appreciation 🙂

    I wish you all the best. And I’m going to join you. I have more than #20 to lose, but it’s about loving myself and making an effort.

    Hugs!
    Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness´s last blog post ..Things I Have Learned This Week

  3. Dee says:

    I understand the “you look fines” when you abhor the way you look. Talking about strength I noticed that when I’m happy or content…I eat less and when I’m happy I have more energy. I’m on the shutmymouthdiet as well…let’s make a pact to hold each other accountable.

    Btw…I am 5″ 6-1/2″ and rubenesque as well, however I am over 200 lbs. The exact figure escapes me because I refuse to stop on a scale anymore…lol.
    Dee´s last blog post ..At the Water Cooler Network Update

  4. Mrs4444 says:

    What a GREAT idea! I love it! Good luck.

  5. mamasick says:

    Yes, Dee, pain and depression are big reasons why I do eat. I have stayed about even so far. My second day into the diet I had extreme pain and as I said in my post, I felt like I needed to feel something other than the pain. Another problem that I did not mention is that I have a lot of trouble staying awake. Yesterday I drank six cups of coffee just to keep upright, some of that coffee included ice cream.

    I am at my wit’s end with my reasons for eating! They are damn good ones!

  6. mamasick says:

    Kim and Dee, I think this ShutMyMouth diet thing is catching on! And I am very flattered that you both want to do it with me! I bought a Caribbean Joe dress off of eBay, size medium. It fits but I could look a lot better in it. I am going to try to make that my motivation. My son’s birthday party is September 17th and I would love to be able to wear it along with my Caribbean Joe $5 sandals, and feel happy with the way I look!

  7. Fantastic idea! I saw a cute little dress at Target the other day (not super expensive) that would have looked great on me a few pounds down. I should buy it and hang it where I see it every morning!

    Here we go, girls. We’re on the right path 🙂
    Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness´s last blog post ..Things I Have Learned This Week

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