Depression: Here We Go Again

I can’t believe it but I am going through my third period of depression this year. I get a few weeks where I feel good and then the depression comes back. Depression for me feels like I am dragging a ball and chain. I’ve been fighting it but the ball has gotten too heavy. I got Tyler off to camp and then I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner, as well as a haircut and color, just so I could stay in bed. I feel bad that I have given into it but I just couldn’t help it this time.

Of course some of the tiredness I am feeling may be physical. My blood work after my physical last month showed borderline anemia. My iron storage was normal but close to the end of the range. My sugar and cholesterol were elevated. My fasting blood sugar was 124, which falls into the category of pre-diabetes, with diabetes starting at a blood sugar of 125. I see my primary care physician next week to discuss the results.

I’ve been taking a medicine for bipolar disease that has caused me to gain weight at an alarming rate, which is causing me more depression. I am so unhappy with the way I look. Another of the side effects is high blood sugar and diabetes. I see the nurse practitioner on Friday and I want to be taken off that medicine. She will most likely up my meds for depression too.

When you are depressed you wonder, “How long will this go on?” I am going to the BlogHer conference at the end of July. Will I be better by then? How will I prepare for the trip when I feel like this? Being depressed would ruin the experience for me and I wouldn’t even go except I have prepaid my conference ticket and hotel stay which was very expensive. Should I have even tried to go, knowing that there was a possibility that I would be sick?

My therapist would say “But that is a month from now!” but when you are depressed you can’t help thinking about the future.

When I am depressed, posting on my blog is very difficult. My traffic has been good, my Alexa Ranking lowers every few days, but it will rise if I cannot put up posts. I have been blogging for five years and I can’t help wondering how successful I would be if I wasn’t sick. I look at other bloggers who started writing when I did, and even bloggers with less experience. It seems they have made great progress, and I feel envious and frustrated. Where would I be if I hadn’t taken breaks during my depressive episodes?

I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that my depression will lift soon. Being depressed like this is absolute torture. I know it will lift but when?



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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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7 Responses to Depression: Here We Go Again

  1. Vanessa says:

    Depression sucks. People who haven’t lived with it (directly or indirectly) just don’t get it.
    You describe it as a ball & chain, I always say it’s like a magnet or weight pulling me down. Grounded me so it’s impossible to move normally. It’s physically heavy.

    You wonder how long it will go on until you get to a point where you just stop wondering, because you feel it will never end, so why bother.

    BUT you do reach up, somehow, you find it in you and you pull up.

    I will send you tons of positive thoughts/energy and prayers that you find whatever you need to pull up.

    Good luck, mama. Hang in there.
    Vanessa´s last blog post ..It’s been a few days.

    • mamasick says:

      That’s another good way to describe depression, Vanessa. I also describe it sometimes as moving through molasses. You are right, it is impossible to get unless you go through it yourself. Thank you for your positive energy and prayers. I hope I can come out of this soon.

  2. Junie says:

    oh my dear sweet Beautiful Mamma

    First thank you for commenting on my posts when you’re feeling so low, I do understand that doing so is difficult when feeling as you do…..I’ve secretly been suffering with depression for a long time now. There are times it’s not so bad and I can hide it…The world’s a stage…is a true saying, at times we all have to ‘act’ about something at one point or another. Depression seems to run in my family so I’ve seen it from both sides.

    I wish I had the magic words that would make the sun shine again for you. I do think you’re doing an amazing job keeping yourself going for your son, the odd day in bed won’t harm honey when he;s in camp or school.

    I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but some..well a lot..of meds for depression can actually make it worse, something worth talking to your doc about. So far I’m doing ok on xanax but I was given that for my breathing to help suppress the oxygen depravation panic, thankfully it helps. I haven’t noticed any of the bad side effects I’ve had with other depression meds…total personality change, flying of the handle for no reason, not remembering doing or saying things etc, worsening depression or thoughts of suicide and bursting into tears at the drop of a hat to name a few.

    Please know and try to remember you are doing the best you can right now, you have so much to deal with theres very few who could.

    As for your blogging I think you do a fantastic job, very few read mine and theres only 2 who comment regularly (I don’t know why yours doesn’t show on my blog) It takes a lot of work blogging and the fact you’re still blogging when in a depressive state is wonderful….please don’t stop honey. Being new to blogging I don’t know much about ratings n such or what they mean in the blogging world. I do understand though it’ll make you feel if it’s worth the work if your rates are down. Again I’ll say please know you’re doing the best you can through this time.

    Sending you sunshine Beautiful Mamma and much apreciation for your blogs, for taking the time to read what you can of mine and for commenting.
    Junie´s last blog post ..I CAN’T STOP THE…

  3. mamasick says:

    I could say the same about you, Junie. Thank you for commenting on my posts when you are not doing well. I think I am going to try not to give in to my depression any more, just keep moving. I need to find a way to carry on my normal activities because I don’t know when this will lift. I want to keep blogging too. Thanks for the good thoughts.

    • Junie says:

      Bless your heart Beautiful Mamma

      one day at a time, one hour, minute or second, step by step you’ll make it through each day honey. If you can keep your mind busy on something you like maybe just maybe you’ll be able to block out that constant voice in your head of ‘why bother’.

      Sending you strength and sunshine each day.
      Junie´s last blog post ..I CAN’T STOP THE…

  4. mamasick says:

    Good advice, Junie, you should take it too I think!

  5. Junie says:

    uh oh you figured me out Beautiful Mamma

    My best friend Sari says I give good advice to others but never to myself and should listen to myself once in while :O)

    You’re right honey I should
    Junie´s last blog post ..I CAN’T STOP THE…

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