Just Can’t Get There

I have free membership to my local YMCA. My pulmonologist says I should walk twenty minutes every day. My diabetes nurse educator says exercise and weight loss will lower my blood sugar. My therapist says walking will help with my depression.

If that isn’t enough motivation I saw my endocrinologist a couple of weeks ago. Due to having ulcerative colitis in my teen years I didn’t make enough bone growth and so at this early age, before menopause, I have low bone density. She insisted I exercise and work out with some small weights to build bone. “Can I get away with walking?”, I asked her. “Yes, but you need to walk 45 minutes seven days a week!” She promised doom and gloom if I didn’t do it.

And still I haven’t walked into a gym.

I guess I am just depressed, even though I know working out will help my depression. I want to lose weight too, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation.

I just lay on my couch.

I should feel grateful that all of my pain is gone and that I am able to work out, and I am grateful.

I also know that not working out is going to hurt me as I age.

And yet I just lay here.

Maybe I’ve been sick for so long I don’t know what it is like to feel physically well?

I told my therapist that I would get to the gym and then I cancelled my next appointment with her because I felt bad that I never went. I know, I know, counter-productive.

I’m currently in my pajamas at 10:56 a.m. and I haven’t showered in two days. My house is a mess and I need to pay my bills.

During the week I feel the need to plug in what I call my “do nothing” days, where I stay in my pajamas, go on the computer and watch Netflix. Mentally I feel the need to have these days and they make me happy. But today is a second do nothing day in a row and that’s not good.

I know that once I get to the gym I will want to go back and that it has the potential to change my life.

But I just can’t get there.

What’s holding you back?


photo credit get holistic health

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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5 Responses to Just Can’t Get There

  1. Donna says:

    First of all: It’s awesome that you’re no longer in pain! You deserve to celebrate that! But more to the point: Yes, the fact that now you CAN move is a big adjustment psychologically. Hell, I have only experienced chronic pain for the last couple of months following surgery and I am having a really tough time getting off the couch I’ve been recovering on and moving around again. I am not surprised it’s taking longer for you. Do it in baby steps. Start with just a walk around the block. Promise yourself a reward for going to the gym and spending 10 minutes on a treadmill. Starting is not easy, but you already KNOW the rational reasons why you must. You’ll get there – you just need to get your emotions to the same place as your intellect.
    Donna´s last blog post ..They Came in Through the Bathroom Window

  2. mamasick says:

    Yes, I think we are on to something with that theory, Donna! Thanks for the advice and for stopping by my blog.

  3. Cathy says:

    I met a woman years ago who was so sick and depressed that she hadn’t cleaned her house in a year. She was so overwhelmed that she didn’t even know where to begin. She was exhausted, depressed. I asked her, “If your bathroom was as clean and beautiful as it could be in your dreams, what would it look like?” She began to think about it and then she described it. I said, “Never mind the piles of mail, the bills, the rest of the house. Just get your mind set on having that bathroom just the way you described it. Even if you only manage to make the toilet sparkle, it’s a start…and then just take it from there.” A week later, I saw her again. She had cleaned her entire bathroom and, as she put it, ‘made it all Martha Stewart and what not.’ She was so proud of what she’d done in just a short while that she began to take on little projects every day: one corner of a room here, a part of the kitchen there, sorting pieces of mail little by little, houseplants, front porch. By Christmas, her home was spotless and she invited a few of us over to bake cookies. She hadn’t had guests in her home in years. She gave me a hug as we were baking and said, “…all because you suggested I start by shining my toilet!” I said, “Well…it’s usually where the most crap lands…so if you can get that sucker gleaming…! We hold ourselves back. We all do it…not just those who don’t feel well,or who are depressed. The tasks seem too much at times. Break it down into smaller steps. Tomorrow, don’t aim for the gym…just aim to get into your workout clothes. If you get that far, light a candle, put on some meditation music and let your body do its best, most graceful ballerina stretches for a few minutes. Then grab a nice cup of tea with honey and rest. Small steps, big rewards.

    • mamasick says:

      I am just seeing this now for some reason, Cathy! Thank you for sharing your story and for helping that woman. I too have issues with cleaning my home, and the idea of working out seems enormous too. Your advice is very good and I thank you for sharing it.

  4. OzarksUSA says:

    The pain holds me back. I used to jog every day, and now I have a hard time walking or standing for very long. I’m only 33 so I know it’s gonna get worse as I age. The hardest part is going from the couch to the recumbent bike. My mom is diabetic, and she lost a lot of weight. It made a HUGE difference in her sugar levels. Good luck!
    OzarksUSA´s last blog post ..Poverty, pain, anxiety, and depression

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