I Was the Stalker

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

1.) The Police said it best when they said, “Every breath you take/And every move you make/Every bond you break, every step you take/I’ll be watching you”. Write about a time you believed someone was watching you.

When I saw this prompt I became very sad.  Alas, I have never been stalked, only been the Stalker.  Too many stories to pick from but I had to choose one, my last Stalking time before I met my husband.  For more about “Larry” you can read here.

Larry was the unrequited love of my life.  He used to say to me, “You are my best friend, you’re beautiful, sexy, funny, smart…I’m just not in love with you.” Uhm, excuse me but what else is there??  We dated on and off (mostly off) from my mid to late 20s.  We had amazing sexual chemistry so Larry, although he did NOT love me, did happen to find me irresistable on certain occasions. And how I would live for those occasions.  For a while I refused to date anyone else except Larry, saving my body only for him.  He was who I loved, I had no reason to look for anyone else.  I was so convinced we would be together forever.

Unfortunately there was a chink in my armor and her name was “Maria” and she worked with us.  Unlike me, who was throwing herself at Larry, Maria was a little more subtle…and uglier!  How it drove me crazy that she was ugly and Larry had told me on numurous occassions how beautiful I was.  I didn’t get it. But I’m not bitter, over 10 years later, as you could tell.

I was living the plot of Ally McBeal.  Except I was nowhere near as skinny, I was voluptuous.  That was how Larry liked his women.  And Maria was even more voluptuous (fat!) than I was.  Larry worked with both of us.  He broke up with me and chose Maria.  Then they became engaged!  It was as if Larry flipped a coin and said,” Heads, Emily, Tails, Maria”.  I remember Larry coming over saying, “I have to tell you something.”  And when he did I screamed and cried, “No, no, I love you more than her!”  “Emily, I love Maria, I just don’t love you in that way.”  “But, Larry, don’t you see, I have enough love for the both of us.  Let her go, and give you and me a REAL shot.  See how happy I can make you.” My best friend held me in his arms as I soaked his shirt with my tears.  We stayed that way for a long time.  “I have only just gotten engaged.  I am not saying we are going to get married.” WHAAAAATTTT?  My head was spinning.  Larry made sure I was not going to jump off of a bridge and then left.

In the meantime, I DID want to jump off a bridge.  I called my parents and with my kittens, Lizzie and Rosie, spent the night.  I COULDN’T be alone, not if I wanted to get through the night.

Shortly after that announcement, Maria moved into to Larry’s for good.  And here is where my stalking began.  Larry was no longer mine to call and make sure he got home okay from one of his appearances as an on-air talent, like I myself was.  If Larry was a little tipsy, he would come home to Maria, I was no longer allowed to call him at home of course.  (This was before everyone had a cell phone)  I used to engineer his appearances during my night shift and I would said off the air to him, “Larry, are you okay to drive?  Are you sure?” How would I know if my still beloved made it safely home?

Well, there was only one way of course.  After my shift I would drive to his apartment, see his car in the lot and breathe a sigh of relief.  The bad part was that I would see HER car too.

I tried to break away, I really did.  I used to drive there every night after work and force myself to look at her car next to his.  “He is with her now.  Look at it. Know it and get over it, make yourself stronger, and move on.”

Only it didn’t work out like that.  It worked out like every time I saw their cars together after midnight, that I would just sit and cry and wonder why.  Every time.  I don’t know how many times I would repeat this destructive pattern.  I only know that that never seemed to make me stronger.  It was like going through our break-up over and over again.  I saw him and her every day, I worked with them, I was at their house at night.  Most likely they were sleeping as they had to wake up to be on the air by 5:30, but that was not what they were doing in my mind.  Maria was living there, enjoying Larry’s skills as a lover, cooking meals with him or ordering in, watching funny television shows, taking a shower with him.  But was she cherishing him, as I had?

One night, of course you knew this was coming.  I was driving away from Larry’s home and HE PASSED ME IN THE PARKING LOT!!  I was done for, he knew my car.  I could only hope his mind had been occupied and he wasn’t expecting me to be driving to his house.

I was wrong.  The next day he was at my apartment, asking me what the Hell I was doing driving by his place.  “You don’t get it, do you?  Just because you broke up with me doesn’t mean I stopped loving you.  I know you don’t give me another thought because you never loved me, but it does not work that way for me!  I still care about you.  I still worry whether or not you are going to get home safe and sound from your appearances!  I didn’t stop loving you, but I don’t get to know if you are safe unless I pathetically drive by your place. You certainly aren’t going to call me to let me know you got home all right.  What if you were in an accident? Don’t you see?  You call your mother, sister and Maria, but you don’t call ME!  I love you just like they do and I have never stopped, Larry!  The only thing that has changed for me, is that you don’t call ME any more!  What else am I supposed to do?  I can’t stopped loving you just because YOU say so, it doesn’t work that way!”

I was angry and crying at the same time.  Larry comforted me.  And then…he said it was alright and okay that I did that.  He didn’t like it, but Maria would never guess it was my car so it would be alright if I sometimes wanted to drive by and check on him.  He understood.  That was the weirdest thing about our relationship, he respected that I still loved him and had no plans to stop in the foreseeable future.

So, how does it end?  Well, Larry did marry Maria.  After five months, their marriage was over.  And Larry and I saw each other again.  Perhaps it was me comforting him this time.  He wanted to be with someone, if only for half an hour who loved him unconditionally and Maria was not that person.

At present, I am on my first marriage to Grant until death do us part.  And Larry is on his fourth.  I do not know who #three even was but it does seem like he has finally found his soul mate in #four.  And I am happy for him.

I often wonder what would have happened if it would have been me he loved and decided to marry.  Would we have been happy, would I have been his #two and his last?

We will never know.

Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • TwitThis

About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , Permalink

3 Responses to I Was the Stalker

  1. SUPAHMAMA says:

    I had a love like this once. He was my High School sweetheart and we were together (off and on of course) for over 6 years. Once he had a semi-permanent base (he was in the Air Force) he invited me out and we started shopping for rings. When he came back to visit for Christmas he had this whole elaborate engagement party dinner planned with our friends, only… during the dinner? He proceeded to refill my cup with the house wine and it wasn’t until we were leaving the restaurant that I realized we never announced anything. It was a silent ride back to our friend’s house and he took me aside and told me he’d never loved me. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t love me any more than he would love a family member… NOT a lover. I was heartbroken, wrenched in two. For literal YEARS after the broken up engagement we would bounce back to each other due to our insane “chemistry” so to speak. It wasn’t until I met my now Husband that I realized how messed up our relationship had been.

    Your writing is phenomenal. I’ll definitely be back for more. 🙂

    Visiting from Mama Kat btw. 🙂

  2. Dave Z. says:

    Having been both the stalker and the stalked (stalkee?), although not recently, I can say with certainty that nothing good ever comes of either one. Stalking is a good way to get real crazy real fast. Being stalked is creepy, especially if you’re a guy (I was last time I checked). But, I have to say that it’s hard to let go of something if you think it’s a good thing. And good sex is like crack (not that I’ve partaken of crack) – hard to give up…

  3. Mrs4444 says:

    There was a time when I stalked my high school boyfriend. Pretty pathetic stuff. So glad I got over him, eventually!

Leave a Reply to SUPAHMAMA Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge