What Depression is Like For Me

Sara Silverman once gave an interview where she described her childhood depression as feeling homesick while at home.  How would you describe it?

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

I have been sick with Lupus for around three years, before that, Rheumatoid Arthritis.  In March of 2008, I was laid off and because of my Lupus, have never been able to go back to work. My husband is also ill and does not work.  (What are the odds, eh?)  We are both going through the lengthy disability process. Obviously no work and seeing your savings disappear is something that would make anyone depressed.  That is referred to as Situational depression.

Clinical depression comes on so slowly you don’t even recognize it at first.  If I look at the list of clinical depression symptoms I have 13 out of 18 of them. I felt sad all the time and I cried a lot.  I couldn’t eat any more.  Doing things with Tyler was no longer fun for me.  I didn’t want to leave my home but I didn’t want to be there, either.  I felt enormous feelings of guilt over what I couldn’t give to Tyler any more because I was sick.  I felt that my life was hopeless and we would never come out of the situation we were in.

I was being treated by my primary care doctor for depression but nothing was working any more.

I credit my husband with recognizing the signs of a more serious form of depression.  He even made me an appointment with a psychiatrist who told me that I had been situationally depressed for so long my depression had now become clinical.

It is fortunate perhaps that this prompt from Mama Kat came up this week because I am in the middle of a severe depression so I can tell you how I am feeling now.

I had a very bad experience last Thursday that kicked off this depression.  I refer to experiences like that as my “hot button” issues.  I just can’t shake this depression off.  I am angry at it.  “Go away!”, I want to shout to it. I feel as if I am moving through molasses.  I am forcing myself to do everything the household needs but it feels like an enormous burden to me.  I am exhausted due to this burden.  I’ve got a child so I am careful to “put on a happy face” for him but that in itself is exhausting.

As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face.  It is just so hard.  I don’t feel positive about anything in my life.  There is very little joy except from what my son gives to me.

I see my psychiatrist next week and we will talk it over.  The brain is so hard to figure out, I feel like a guinea pig.  What if we raise this medicine or put you on this?   It is a constant balancing act.  “This is your brain on drugs…”

Since I am depressed I know this post has come across as very negative towards seeing a psychiatrist.  Psychiatrists and psychiatric meds CAN help you.  Mine is one of the most caring in the world.

I urge you who are seeing yourself in this post to get help.  There can be joy and happiness in your life again.  I am just going through a particularly bad time.

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.

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