Stupid

The idea for this post came to me about an hour ago and I knew I had to write it quickly for fear it would fall out of my brain.

Be it depression, physical symptoms or a combination thereof I have been feeling “stupid” for quite some time now. Often I feel I have nothing to do, I feel quite bored. Even though there are always things to do with all the media available to me, it’s as if my brain can’t handle anything remotely intellectual.

I used to read a book a week, now I can’t even read a light mystery, I just can’t get through it. I can’t concentrate on the news or anything on television that is quality. Yesterday I tried to watch “CBS Sunday News” and I couldn’t even make it through the opening. I am just lost. “Sex in the City”, “The Golden Girls” and game shows seem to be the only programs I can pay attention to.

Blogging has become extremely difficult for me, just writing this is a struggle. I am no longer the prolific, talented writer I used to be, and I watch my once successful blog fall down the Alexa Rank and feel powerless to stop it. I cannot churn out the content required to keep people coming to my site. I look back on my posts that were smartly written, that made people cry, that gave people hope, that educated others and I wonder if I will ever be able to do that again.

As I write this ideas come into my head but I lose them before they can even get written down. In seconds they are gone.

I am disappointed in this post. It is redundant and I can’t even think of the other ways to describe how displeased I am with it. The words don’t come.

Will I live this dumbed-down existence for the rest of my life?

I think I will stop here.

I guess no matter how I write my blog or how often, my goals for it remain the same. That people who are experiencing this will know that they are not alone, that I will educate others about how this feels and that I will receive support from people who read this.

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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4 Responses to Stupid

  1. Maddie Ruud says:

    I know what you mean! I used to write with ease and fluidity; I could easily produce 3-4 pieces a week. These days, I often struggle to remember simple words. (For example, I recently used “foot seat,” instead of “stool.”) it’s extremely frustrating and horrible for the self-esteem. All I can do is try to have a sense of humor about it and give myself as much grace as I can. Of course, that’s much easier said than done. And no matter what, there’s the grief of what we’ve lost.

    Thanks for writing this. It does resonate with me, and I’m sure many others as well.
    Maddie Ruud´s last blog post ..Why I’m Smiling (It’s Not What You Think)

  2. mamasick says:

    You do sound just like me, Maddie. I know there are many of us out there, but that doesn’t make it any easier, I wish I had your sense of humor. These are symptoms I thought I might be dealing with in my seventies not in my forties.

  3. Mike T says:

    You will be able to do it again. Heck, this post alone shows you can do it still!

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