Just Can’t Get There

I have free membership to my local YMCA. My pulmonologist says I should walk twenty minutes every day. My diabetes nurse educator says exercise and weight loss will lower my blood sugar. My therapist says walking will help with my depression.

If that isn’t enough motivation I saw my endocrinologist a couple of weeks ago. Due to having ulcerative colitis in my teen years I didn’t make enough bone growth and so at this early age, before menopause, I have low bone density. She insisted I exercise and work out with some small weights to build bone. “Can I get away with walking?”, I asked her. “Yes, but you need to walk 45 minutes seven days a week!” She promised doom and gloom if I didn’t do it.

And still I haven’t walked into a gym.

I guess I am just depressed, even though I know working out will help my depression. I want to lose weight too, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation.

I just lay on my couch.

I should feel grateful that all of my pain is gone and that I am able to work out, and I am grateful.

I also know that not working out is going to hurt me as I age.

And yet I just lay here.

Maybe I’ve been sick for so long I don’t know what it is like to feel physically well?

I told my therapist that I would get to the gym and then I cancelled my next appointment with her because I felt bad that I never went. I know, I know, counter-productive.

I’m currently in my pajamas at 10:56 a.m. and I haven’t showered in two days. My house is a mess and I need to pay my bills.

During the week I feel the need to plug in what I call my “do nothing” days, where I stay in my pajamas, go on the computer and watch Netflix. Mentally I feel the need to have these days and they make me happy. But today is a second do nothing day in a row and that’s not good.

I know that once I get to the gym I will want to go back and that it has the potential to change my life.

But I just can’t get there.

What’s holding you back?


photo credit get holistic health

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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