Which is Worse?

I have long debated what is the worst for me:  Chronic pain or chronic fatigue.  There have been times when I have been literally screaming and crying, a “10” on the pain scale, but for the most part my pain is such that I can get through the day with the help of narcotics.

So I think chronic fatigue is the worst for me.  There have been times where I could not get out of bed or off the couch.  When I have slept and have woken up feeling even more exhausted.  I sleep or rest about 12-14 hours a day.  It is so hard when I have to make dinner and I’ve got little or no energy.  Or when I have to give Tyler a bath.  Or when Tyler asked me to play with him and I just CAN’T.  “You never play with me”, he says.

Today I did some grocery shopping and there were no scooters available.  I had to walk the supermarket.  Sometimes I get so tired in the supermarket I start losing my mind, getting confused, and have trouble making choices that should be easy. Often I run a couple of errands and am completely exhausted by them. Sometimes I am so fatigued it makes me feel nauseous and I want to cry about it.  Most times if we go somewhere and my husband takes me in a wheelchair, I am STILL exhausted from it.

Yesterday, I THOUGHT I could run some errands…I was wrong.  I tweeted, “The worst thing about chronic illness is that you don’t know how much is too much…until you’ve done it” and I got many retweets, sick people all in agreement with me.

Most days I don’t know how I am going to get through them.  My home is such a wreck, I barely have enough energy to do laundry or to make dinner.  There is no way I can get to projects like going through stuff to throw or give away or cleaning my refrigerator or straightening my linen closet.  Our home looks like someone broke into it and was searching for something he never found.  It makes me sad to see it look this way.

Sometimes I feel I am wasting my life away resting and sleeping.

Which is worse for you?

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.

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