Resentment: What Ive Feared the Most is Already Happening

(Laptop update, yep, I am still using hubby’s.  I finally dragged myself back to the store where I had to leave my laptop again with them.  I hope they will take good care of her.  They told me she would be ready in 24 hours, fingers crossed.  What happened there and this afternoon is a post for another day. If you are new to my blog or catching up, Grants laptop has a possessive/quote key that works about 25% of the time.  As he is a professional writer I do not know how he can stand this, but there it is.  I write this to let people know that my grammar and editing are much better than it would appear. Thank you.)

(Also, for whatever reason, my formatting in this post is a mess.  I have emailed a friend to help me fix it, but I beg you, please stick with it, or at least come back later when it is fixed.  I really wanted to put this up and if you read on you will see why.  Thank you.)

Lately I have been feeling what I usually refer to as Less Than My Usual Level of Crap as I honestly never can say I am having a good day. Theres either Crap or Less Than Crap.  First off, I have had some stubborn bug bites that despite treatments of antibiotic, anti-itch creams and bandages, have refused to heal for a couple of weeks now and they look so bad that I have made an appointment to get them checked out by my Primary Physician on Monday.  And they happen to be on a very embarrassing spot on my body, my, uh, tush.  As I do spend a good part of the day bed-bound, be it from being unwell or just plain being on the computer half the day, the paranoia in me is fearing bed sores, of course.  But when you have Lupus, it can make your body do some whacked-out things with something as simple as a bug bite.

To add to that, for the past two days I have been having some sort of low-grade infection, coughing up stuff, having a sore throat and a low-grade fever. More achy than usual and feeling hung over when I awake, or more hung over, I should say.

I have been wanting to put up a post and pictures of Tyler’s wonderful graduation but have just been feeling too sick and now so gloomy, post-ceremony and post-celebration, to do the occasion justice.

As I had written above, today was an interesting day with a lot of meaningful ups and downs worth a post of its own. Tyler and I had been out and about doing chores.  School ended the day he graduated, Wednesday; camp will start on Monday.  Again, a post worth all its own.

When I came home I collapsed into bed, around 4:00, and had set my alarm for 6:00 p.m.  Tyler knocked on my door at around 5:30.  Mommy, wake up! I got up, I had to go to the bathroom anyway.  I felt like I hadn’t slept in days.  Honey, let Mommy sleep for another half an hour.  She will get up when this television show is over.

When the alarm rang, I got up for good.  I felt so awful.  Freezing from the fever, in pain, shaky and exhausted.  What I didn’t know and realized only now was that Grant had fallen asleep too.  Usually we make it a point to have one of us up with Tyler, like in shifts, and if this ever happens, we have instructed Tyler to wake Daddy up, to even jump on him if he needs to, but for some reason he didn’t wake Grant up.  He wanted ME and he was hopping mad that I had slept for two hours.

Tyler started asking me for stuff, to play, to watch t.v., to get him a snack, even though I would be making dinner soon. He was yelling.  I told him the first thing I needed to do was to make myself a cup of coffee.  I needed to rest on the couch for like 15 to 20 minutes and then I told him I would be making dinner.  Please do not think that we do not feed the child, he gets plenty of meals and snacks.

I started making the coffee.  I was feeling so awful, the worst in a long time.  I was feeling guilty too, even though Tyler and I had had a nice day together.

Mommy, I hate you!

Normally I don’t let what Tyler says bother me, but I was feeling so vulnerable.  I hated me too.

I don’t want to live with you any more!  I want to be with Marks parents!

Oh you do, do you? I started to shake and I felt tears forming.

I don’t like you!

For the first time ever, I lost it, with my child, my four-and-a-half-year-old child, who can go from I Hate You to Youre The Best Mommy In The World in a matter of 60 seconds.  Whose mind changes like the wind.  I started to cry. Probably the worst thing you could let your child see you do, probably damaging him forever.  He had the power, he had to have been scared to see me crack.  But he kept on.

Dont talk to me!  I don’t want to talk to you any more!

At this point this physically, mentally ill mom, who is always in pain started to really cry.  And then Tyler realized what he had done. The Child had become the Adult and realized how much he had hurt his mother.  He started to calm down but still wasnt exactly ready to admit that he was wrong.

I don’t like you, but I still love you.

And then the Sick Mommy began to turn back into Adult Mommy.  That’s okay.  You know how we always talk about how a lot of times you can not like what the person is doing , but you still love them anyway?  Like I might get mad at something you did, but I will always love you.

We hugged.  And a few minutes later Tyler became the Good Child and said, I’m sorry mommy, I love you.

I love you too, honey.

And we both felt better.

The end.  Or lamentably, just the beginning.  The beginning of a lot of arguments where Tyler will blame me for screwing up his whole life; for not being able to take him to Disney World, for not being able to buy him his own computer.  For being embarrassed to have friends over.  For having to work while his friends are out having a good time.  For not being able to help him buy a car. For being so poor.   All will be blamed on my illness which had led me to become so poor.

But starting at just four-and-a-half-years-old?  I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.  And now I wait…for the next time.

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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6 Responses to Resentment: What Ive Feared the Most is Already Happening

  1. Caroline says:

    Wow, tough afternoon! I’m glad it ended on a positive note!

  2. Those that we love the most have the uncanny ability to hurt us the most. Im sure there are many reasons for this, but one of the primary reasons is because they know how, and without realizing it can push the buttons that will hit us the hardest.
    He is also is young and doesn’t realize that the words he says can have such a big impact.
    Sticks and stones are supposed to be the harmers, and words not? No bigger bunch of lies has ever been spouted than that nursery ryhme.

    Tyler will love you and he will understand. As long as you do the best you can, that is all you can do. He will get the things he needs. You will make sure of that.

    And honestly, whether you were sick or not, all children eventually tell their parents they hate them. If it wans’t over this, it would be because you didn’t give him a toy he wants, made him clean his room, or didn’t let him stay up late watching tv.
    Don’t beat yourself up over this.

  3. keri says:

    OMG,, you have me sitting here in tears. You poor thing….. I don’t think you did any damage, but I’ll bet he will never forget that moment and it could make him more sensitive to other peoples feelings. Hey, it had to happen sometime with somebody, right? STOP THE GUILT. Because IT can make you sicker. Just roll with the punches and ride it out. You’ll probably be closer now. Poor Baby.

    Can’t believe it’s taken me all month to get here. I had a SITS feature on 6/7 and you were kind enough to pop in and comment. The next day we had a lightning hit and my computers were down for almost 12 days. It’s taking me forever to visit everyone who visited me. But I don’t care, because I want to be sure to spend quality time on each. Thank you for coming over. Hope you find your way back once in a while. It’s fun. Keri

  4. SickMomma says:

    Y’know, I actually think it’s good to let children see that words can hurt, and your crying from something he said is actually a good lesson for him.

    E pushed one of my buttons this week. She was feeling resentful for being told to match her pairs of (clean) socks together. So across the room she muttered, “Why do you always have to ask people to do things for you? Are you just a lazy person?” Boy did that hurt!! Which I told her, but not until after I pointed out that being told to match HER socks after I did her laundry was not doing ME a favor. But oh, the thought of my 6.5-year-old thinking I’m lazy really hurts. The joys of parenthood, especially parenthood with a chronic illness. 🙁

    But I do truly believe that our kids will be fine, and the truth is, they would find something to resent us for even if we were healthy and had plenty of money.

    I’m dreading when E learns to use the H word as a weapon …

  5. Okay Honey … a couple of quick things:

    1 – my grandson, who has 2 perfectly healthy parents, and every single THING he could possibly need, started a daily, some times hourly, routine of screaming “hate you” at his parents when he was about 4. It’s a phase and he grew out of it. I suspect that Tyler will too! Be patient. Don’t decide now that he is going to hate you forever or that he won’t know you gave him the most important things and did the best you could. He will. People mature a lot between 4 and adulthood!

    2 – there is absolutely NOTHING wrong, or bad, about letting your child see your normal emotions! It’s one of the ways that he will learn to handle his own! If you are hurt, emotionally or physically, and let him see that while it hurts you … you survive, he learns that he will too!

  6. Mrs4444 says:

    I wish I could impact the guilt you feel–I suppose it’s normal in your circumstance, but I feel like you are unknowingly setting yourself up (and Tyler) to have that attitude that you fear so much. Your illnesses are what they are; he may hate the situation, but he will never hate you for it, unless you give him permission to. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know–It’s not easy. I’m just talking about that self-fulfilling prophecy thing.

    I see nothing wrong with breaking down in front of your child, especially at this age–He needed to see that his actions have impact.

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