(If you have been keeping track of me via Google+ (Emily Cullen), Facebook, or Twitter (@mamasick), you will know that I went to the E.R. again today. For the second time in four days, if you are counting. I do plan on writing a full blog, but today is Tuesday, and that always means “Tuesdays With Tyler” and so I didn’t want to cheat him, or so many who actually really love this part of my blog. I will just say that I am home, they did rule out anything to do with my reproductive organs, which Lupus can attack, but they have not ruled out appendicitis. The best case scenario is that it is a Spastic Colon, G.I. related type of issue. I do have Ulcerative Colitis which is usually very quiet and I will make an appointment to see my Gastroenterologist.)
As amazing as Tyler is, is as sad I am that he has to be this amazing. A child four-and-a-half, almost five should not have to be so wise, so empathic. I wanted to write some examples of how not just how incredible I think my child is, but how incredible others around me think about him. And then you can decide.
There are so many stories, I can only pick a few for length’s sake.
On Monday, I cannot believe that was only yesterday, Tyler started a week of Sports Camp. I knew where the school was but it turned out I didn’t know where in the school Sports Camp was. We wound up having to walk the length of about two blocks, briskly. “Oh, my God”, perhaps I shouldn’t have said this out loud but I did. “I cannot do this. I cannot possibly walk back to the car.” As we neared other people going to the gym, Tyler started to ask, “Can anyone help my mommy? She cannot walk back to the car. My mommy is sick. Can anyone drive my mommy back to her car?” He got me a ride home.
I also had my emergency appointment with my Rheumatologist yesterday. Not surprisingly he said my Lupus is out of control as is my Fibromylagia. He ordered blood work, wanted to see me next week and gave me a prescription for steroids. It is the steroid prescription that I have a problem with. I have been sick since I was 16 but I have always been lucky enough, or have found a way to avoid steroids. Mostly for vanity’s sake, I have to admit. I have, while not any Eating Disorders, a big problem with being comfortable in my own skin. And ever since I have had Lupus, I don’t seem to have a say in how much I weigh and my weight has fluctuated greatly. Lately I have been gaining weight and I am around my heaviest ever. The thought of taking steroids and having the side effects of weight gain and facial mooning…let’s just say, it’s going to do a lot to my self esteem.
I was telling Tyler about the changes that Mommy is going to be going through. That I may look a little funny but that it is going to help me get better and that I still will be Mommy. “But you still will be pretty, Mommy”, he told me. “Thank you, baby”, I said, as I hugged him and tried not to cry. How can my little man be so young and already know what to say to a woman?
And also yesterday, Tyler and I went grocery shopping, just for a few things. Tyler insisted on helping me with the cart as he knows it is too heavy for me to push without pain. Usually he will take the whole cart, but of course I had picked one with a bad wheel, so we both had to push. Him trying to help me actually made it more difficult and people behind us sighed impatiently. I had to turn around to them and say, “I’m sorry, but I am sick and my little boy insists on helping me with the cart because he knows that it is too painful for me.” And I watched their looks of annoyance with us change into either looks of shock or smiles.
Here I am at just over 700 words, and all that was just yesterday. I feel so blessed in the gift that God gave to me that is my son. The skinniest, longest string bean…who is the strongest man in the world to me.