My last post on February 11th about how bad my depression was was pretty grim. And things got worse as on February 13th I went in-patient at a Behavioral Health Care facility (that’s what they are calling the mental institutions these days). I was in for about two weeks where my depression did not get better and when I came out I got even worse. I could not get out of bed, my body ached from being in bed so much. I was so scared I would not be able to come out of this Hell, what would happen to me?

I was (and still am) on medication and in therapy, and about three weeks ago my mood finally started lifting. I bought make-up, I colored my hair for the first time and I bought new clothes. I started to come out of my fog. I do not think I am 100% yet, but I keep getting better every day.

For all of you who are depressed, who’s depression is lasting many months, please do not give up hope. You WILL come out of it, I know it is hard to believe from where you are sitting, but BELIEVE me, it will happen.

This roller coaster they call Bipolar Disorder sure sucks the big one.

I am stable right now, but of course I wonder when or if I will be ever pulled down again or become manic to the point of paranoia.

Right now, I am counting my blessings that I feel well. I am taking my medicine and seeing my therapist and will continue to do so for the rest of my life, and I urge all of you who are bipolar or depressed to do the same.

Here are a few highlights of what you missed in the two months that I have been away:

Tyler lost his first tooth!:


Tyler and I at Easter dinner:


At the Cleveland Great Lakes Science Center’s Egyptian exhibition:


I hope you will welcome me back, I have missed you all and am so happy that I feel well enough to start posting again! Hope you are all as well as you can be!

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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9 Responses to Back!

  1. mzvanessa says:

    (I’m New-ish here, HI!)

    Depression sucks. Big time. People just don’t get it if they haven’t had it. I don’t describe it as a ‘fog’ because for me it’s more weighted, like the very earth is pulling me down and I can’t get up. Not ‘won’t’ but really can’t.

    I’m glad you pulled out of it. Those moments when you’re coming out of it are always amazing. Like the first signs of spring after the longest winter ever.

    • mamasick says:

      I am so glad you have found me! Welcome!

      This time around I recognized the small signs of me coming out of my depression, I was hopeful for the smallest of signs and I think that helped me come out of it quicker.

      I am wondering if it is a winter thing because I struggled with depression last year at this time too.

  2. Lauren MacKenzie-Stead says:

    I am so glad to hear from you again. Your depressions this year have been so hard on you, and I am so glad that you are finally pulling out of them. I did receive your email and I was very glad that you received the package. Warmth is so important especially when we dont feel good. I swear, I can feel cold in 60degree weather. You look so happy now with your son in the pictures that it makes my heart happy too. Whatever you are doing, keep it up!

    • mamasick says:

      Thanks for coming back to Mama Sick!

      I will hold on to these good feelings for as long as I can! I pray I can keep steady.

  3. The Nerdy Nurse says:

    Happy to hear you’re back.
    My mother suffered from depression fr as long as I can remember. When I was little I would always get mad at her for never wanting to go anywhere. It was a challenge for her to get out of bed and sometimes she didn’t. She had inpatient behavioral health many times. Sometimes it helped and others it didn’t seem to. The deamons she battled must have been fierce. I miss her dearly and I wish I could tell her I’m sorry for being a selfish little kid.

    • mamasick says:

      While I have not talked with Tyler about my depression, I know my six-year-old can tell something is wrong because he really starts to test the boundaries. He knows he can get away with more because I am sick. I tend to be more permissive about letting him do things or eat junk food because I don’t have the energy to start a war.

      All kids are selfish, I wouldn’t blame yourself.

      It is likely I will fall into a depression again and I wonder what effects it will have on Tyler as he gets older.

  4. Caroline says:

    Emily! I’m glad I thought to look at your blog to see if you had posted lately. I need to subscribe. Anyway, I was in the hospital for two weeks, too! About a month ago, and I didn’t get better. I had 6 ECT treatments….But, still got worse instead of better. But, for some reason my mood shifted on Friday night. I’m feeling good again. I don’t know if I’ll get back to writing, but I’m back to reading! I’m so glad you are doing better. The depths are surely deep. And, the hopelessness is unbearable. But the light at the end of the tunnel is so beautiful!

    • mamasick says:

      Hi Caroline,

      I am glad you stopped by. ECT treatments are a tough decision to make. I don’t understand why we suddenly just get better. Is it the meds or the therapy, or are we just getting better on our own? I hope you get back to blogging soon, that is the last thing for me that tells me I am over my depression.

      I know what you mean about the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel elated to be out of my depression. I hope I can get people to realize that there is indeed an end to the misery and hopelessness, they just have to hold on!

  5. Mrs4444 says:

    Welcome back, Emily. I’m sorry you have gone through yet another debilitating episode of depression, and I’m glad you made it through. Your post is inspiring. Keep taking care of yourself 🙂

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