Depression: Here We Go Again

I can’t believe it but I am going through my third period of depression this year. I get a few weeks where I feel good and then the depression comes back. Depression for me feels like I am dragging a ball and chain. I’ve been fighting it but the ball has gotten too heavy. I got Tyler off to camp and then I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner, as well as a haircut and color, just so I could stay in bed. I feel bad that I have given into it but I just couldn’t help it this time.

Of course some of the tiredness I am feeling may be physical. My blood work after my physical last month showed borderline anemia. My iron storage was normal but close to the end of the range. My sugar and cholesterol were elevated. My fasting blood sugar was 124, which falls into the category of pre-diabetes, with diabetes starting at a blood sugar of 125. I see my primary care physician next week to discuss the results.

I’ve been taking a medicine for bipolar disease that has caused me to gain weight at an alarming rate, which is causing me more depression. I am so unhappy with the way I look. Another of the side effects is high blood sugar and diabetes. I see the nurse practitioner on Friday and I want to be taken off that medicine. She will most likely up my meds for depression too.

When you are depressed you wonder, “How long will this go on?” I am going to the BlogHer conference at the end of July. Will I be better by then? How will I prepare for the trip when I feel like this? Being depressed would ruin the experience for me and I wouldn’t even go except I have prepaid my conference ticket and hotel stay which was very expensive. Should I have even tried to go, knowing that there was a possibility that I would be sick?

My therapist would say “But that is a month from now!” but when you are depressed you can’t help thinking about the future.

When I am depressed, posting on my blog is very difficult. My traffic has been good, my Alexa Ranking lowers every few days, but it will rise if I cannot put up posts. I have been blogging for five years and I can’t help wondering how successful I would be if I wasn’t sick. I look at other bloggers who started writing when I did, and even bloggers with less experience. It seems they have made great progress, and I feel envious and frustrated. Where would I be if I hadn’t taken breaks during my depressive episodes?

I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that my depression will lift soon. Being depressed like this is absolute torture. I know it will lift but when?



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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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