Prompt # 1. Throwback Thursday: Share an old photo and let it inspire your blog post.

This picture and post of Tyler and I come from July of 2011, when Tyler was four and a half.

The post was about how ever since Tyler was able to understand my chronic illnesses, how much understanding and empathy he has shown me.

That summer, Tyler had sports camp. I had to park two blocks away which was very painful on my feet. I said something about it, mostly to myself, and Tyler shouted, “Can someone help my mommy, can someone drive my mommy to the school? She is sick!”

Another time the doctor was putting me on a prescription of steroids. I explained to Tyler that the drugs will make me gain weight and cause my face to look round. “But you will still be pretty, Mommy”, he said.

And when we’d go grocery shopping, my little boy would push the grocery cart around because it was too painful for me.

The post was entitled “The Biggest Champion, the Smallest Child”, and although he is now ten and a half he is still my biggest champion.

The post TBT: My Biggest Champion first appeared on Mama Sick.

Prompt #2: Tell us about the last concert that you attended.

I hadn’t attended a concert in years but when I heard Lady Gaga was in Cleveland in 2014 I knew I had to be there!

I never thought much of Gaga until she was on the Howard Stern show. I thought she was just a Madonna knock-off until I heard her sing. I was an instant fan!

I went all out on the make-up and with what I wore. I had the whole smokey eye thing going on! We (Jacques and I) had the nosebleed seats but the arena is small enough that there are really no bad seats. I did wish I was closer but I just didn’t have the money.

It didn’t matter. Gaga was awesome; her singing, dancing, the set and her costume changes!

I felt hungry after the concert so we ate at Steak n’ Shake. The next day I felt like I had a massive hangover! Guess I can’t party like I used to!

She’s coming to Cleveland again in August and I wistfully took a look at her concert dates but she is only there for one night and it’s a night I have Tyler. Oh well, I really couldn’t fit it into the budget anyway!

But at least I have an awesome memory!

The post My Last Concert first appeared on Mama Sick.

We had planned a trip to see our cousins but I didn’t know if I could stand the pain and make the drive with just Tyler.

It was decided that Jacques would drive Tyler and I up and he would stay in a hotel so as not to interrupt “family time.” When my cousin heard that that was the game plan she invited Jacques to stay as well!

The trip up was so painful but it was great to see two of my cousins who are sisters. It had been nine years since we had seen them, Tyler was a toddler back then!

                                                              Lisa, Tyler, Diane and I 

Lisa has a beautiful home that is completely surrounded by woods. Which would have been peaceful except that she has four dogs and four cats! Tyler loved all the animals. He had to keep an eye out for his stuffed Eeyore because the dogs thought it was a toy for them!

Because of my back pain I decided not to go to a dog park. But I needed a rest and I needed a heating pad! Using the stairs was near impossible and I was so thankful that I had Jacques to unpack and pack our things!

At night we went out for  a wonderful Italian meal.

It was too short a trip but my cousins were leaving to visit their parents so we started on the trip back.

I had a great time but the memory of my trip will be forever colored by the horrendous back pain I was having.

Have you ever went on an outing or trip and your disability or pain took away from your memory?

The post Family Reunion, Spoonie Style! first appeared on Mama Sick.

1. Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous May and write a poem or a blog post.

From May to October is our town’s Saturday morning farm market. This photo was taken May, 2013.

As you can see, there’s fresh fruits and vegetables, Mennonites, baked goods, plants and arts and crafts, just to name a few. Oh coffee, can’t forget about coffee!

I haven’t been there for a long time because I’ve been depressed. I also get anxious at the thought of going outside.

That’s what anxiety and depression do, they can rob you of your life.

But this year, I may just make it. My therapist and I worked out schedule of sorts of two weeks. Most days I must go out and do something, but sometimes I get a day off and get to stay inside.

I also have this thing that I have to shower before I go out, but sometimes I lack the motivation. My therapist says I don’t have to shower every single day, it’s okay to sometimes not shower.

This would be a nice, romantic thing to do with Jacques on a Saturday morning.

I’m setting this as one of my goals to overcoming depression and anxiety and I will let you know if I make it!

The post TBT: Farmer’s Market first appeared on Mama Sick.

Prompt #1  Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous April and write a poem or a blog post.

It was three years ago this month when my husband, whom I am separated from, my son and I went to Disney World. Although we are separated Grant and I are amicable enough that we could go on vacation together. Tyler was seven at the time, a perfect age we thought.

The vacation was a bit more than we could afford but Disney World had been a dream I had had for my child pretty much ever since he was born. Besides, we had never taken him on a vacation. I remember him being five years old and asking me, “Mommy, what’s a vacation?”

Since then we haven’t gone on another vacation but we do have enough money every year to join our city’s pool which Tyler loves. We’ve also been able to enroll him in a few weeks of various camps so I think his summers have been pretty good. I just want to create happy memories for my child.

This summer, however, Tyler and I will be taking a road trip. My cousin who lives in Rochester, NY invited us over to her house in June. She lives in a beautiful home in the woods. Her sister is going to come too. They haven’t seen Tyler since he was a year old!

So I’m really looking forward to the trip and to Tyler seeing my father’s side of the family whom he doesn’t remember. I know they are going to eat him up!

The post TBT: Disney Vacation first appeared on Mama Sick.

But by the time it was ready for me to get in the shower I started to feel sick to my stomach. I felt faint. I had anxiety about getting into the shower, getting dressed, getting Tyler ready and walking out the door. I knew if I could get to the park I would have a good time but I felt as if I were on the bottom of a mountain that was too steep to climb. My therapist always says I am never supposed to say “couldn’t” or “can’t” but on Sunday I couldn’t.

I knew I would have to let Tyler know that we weren’t going to the park. That thought provided some relief from my anxiety but also depression because I was once again failing my son.

“Tyler, could you come here? I’m sorry but I’m not doing so well so I won’t be able to take you to the park today.” A very quick look of disappointment showed on Tyler’s face, but just as quickly he said, “It’s okay, mom. I love you”, and he made kissing noises.

I know I often fail my son and unfortunately he is getting used to it. I am not getting used to it. I feel so frustrated by my lack of progress with my medications and in therapy and I wonder when I will come out of this.

I was reading and Tyler was on the tablet when I said, “Why don’t you teach me chess?” “Yeah!”, he said. I had never played the game but Tyler was a pretty good player and played with his dad. I was taking notes and Tyler was giving me little hints and showing me where I was going wrong. “You’re a good teacher”, I said.

I may have limitations but the love we both have for each other is strong and there are still things we can do together.

A mother’s and child love knows no boundaries.

The post The Mountain first appeared on Mama Sick.

Truth be told (I know, I’m a horrible mom), Tyler has been swearing since he was probably five years old. Hearing it on the school bus, and yes, from my ex and I. While we’ve always tried to correct him, cussing didn’t rank much on the scale of raising my child to be a good human.

Indeed there are several studies that say cursing can be good for you and that it even is a sign of intelligence, showing that people who swear more tend to have extended vocabularies.

But now it’s a different ball game as he doesn’t seem able to control where he uses profanity, so we have a declared swearing to be off limits for ALL of us. The only one who I have never heard utter a cuss word is Jacques who can’t even say “He*l”. I’m doing it for him too as I know it bothers him when he hears me say a bad word.

The punishment for using profanity at home (at school they punish him) is a one minute time out on the porch stairs, again for all of us. So far I’ve only had to send Tyler out once.

The hardest time to avoid cursing is when you stub your toe or something similar. That “Oh sh*t!” just pops right out. That happened to Tyler the other day at school and as he started to spew that “s-curse” he said, “I mean oh shoot!”

Words like “shoot”, “darn”, and “heck” sound really strange to me but that will be what will be flying out of our mouths from now on.

How do you deal with bad language in your own home?

(Photo credit: quickanddirtytips.com)

The post Oh, Fudge first appeared on Mama Sick.

If it wasn’t for Jacques, I think Christmas would have been quite bleak. He did absolutely everything; cooked, shopped, wrapped gifts, all while I just laid in bed or managed to make it over to the couch.

We got the tree up on the 23rd, the latest I have ever put up a tree and that day Jacques was still buying lights of which were slim to none. He first came home with lights with white wiring that would not do for a green Christmas tree. He was able to return them and got white lights the color that makes me think I am living in an office they are so bright white.

I need sunglasses for this tree!

I did add five new ornaments this year to my all cat-themed Christmas tree, one of which was this Caribbean pink kitty:

And there’s always my all cat Nativity scene:

I don’t know what was wrong with the mail this year but three of Tyler’s gifts didn’t come and he told us it was a great Christmas anyway. I’m so proud of him!

I’ll end with a picture of him putting the cat angel on the tree. No pictures of myself to put up here as I wasn’t wearing a bra on Christmas morning and it showed.

Hope your Christmas was a Merry one!

It’s never too early to start thinking about the kids for next Christmas! Check out this gift guide by My Kid Needs That.

The post Christmas Whine first appeared on Mama Sick.

Dear Tyler,

I am three days late in writing this and for that I do apologize. It’s been a year since I have been sick with nausea and a low grade fever and the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with me. You have been absolutely great about it, letting Jacques take you to Tae Kwon Do, to school, swimming, etc. Even though it’s out of my hands I have enormous “Mom Guilt”, although I always make it for the big things in your life, no matter what.

Ten is such a big year! Double digits, a decade old! Where has the time gone? Every year, just like most mothers do, I look back on your birth day and remember what was happening at what time. It still seems like yesterday.

You had your school birthday party with cupcakes and candy and are looking forward to your birthday party with laser tag, pizza and cake. Your dad and I are hoping our money will stretch this month but we really wanted to give you a special party since this is such an important birthday.

You love watching videos on youtube. Your favorites are Five Nights at Freddy’s and Undertale. You love playing with the FINAF collectibles and you still love your Imaginext Batman playset.

This was also the year of “My Little Pony“, even though you are totally embarrassed about it! You and I watch it together and we collected some of the characters. Nobody but dad knows about your pony love and I like having something that only you and I do together. We also play this action figure game “Kracas” that you made up. We’ve been playing it for years and it’s just for you and me. I am amazed at your imagination and creativity!

You hate school. You do well in it but don’t have any friends in class this year. You have problems with people teasing you which makes my heart break. You punched a child last week and part of me was happy about it, even though you got punished in school. You are working on anger management, control and learning how to make friends in therapy.

This year you did develop two new really good friends. David, a boy in your grade, and Daphne, a neighbor in our complex. You pretty much play with Daphne every waking hour and it makes me happy to see that you are having fun with her.

After having some bad times with your OCD you are doing better and your anxiety is decreasing. But you do tell us that you have problems with your self-esteem and even though you look happy, you are sad most of the time. The therapist, your dad and I are trying to determine if you are depressed. I hate to see you hurting, Tyler, I wish I could transfer the pain to me.

Despite all of this, you are so courageous, compassionate and smart. You are the best thing that I have ever done with my life and I pray every night that God can give me the wisdom and health to be a better parent.

I hope your tenth year is a magical one for you, my amazing (not so) little boy!

Love,

Mom

The post For My Son on His 10th Birthday first appeared on Mama Sick.

If you have been a regular reader you will know that I’ve been experiencing nausea and a low grade fever since last September with no doctor being able to tell me what’s going on.

I was finally able to see my Rheumatologist. When I explained my symptoms to him he said, “I’m curious to know why you would choose to see a Rheumatologist for these symptoms.” I was a bit shocked but I told him I always think of Lupus when running a low grade fever but he said that was not one of the prominent symptoms.

He said that when patients experience Fever of Unknown Origin (FUO) the first step is to see an Infectious Disease specialist and if nothing turns up, a Hematologist/Oncologist. He told me he was going to run a lot of blood tests and they took ten vials of blood plus a urine specimen. I may have gone to the “wrong” doctor but he was the first one to give me some direction.

It was the first time that certain tests came back as out of range and instead of being happy about it like I thought I would because I’m desperate for a diagnosis and treatment, the feedback from the doctor was that I should make an appointment with a Hematologist/Oncologist, which to me is about the scariest doctor to see.

I think of my therapist telling me that my nausea was probably due to depression and I am angry that she made me think for one second that this was in my head. Every time a doctor doesn’t know what’s wrong with you, they want to go right for a psychological diagnosis.

I picked my Hematologist/Oncologist out of the many from Cleveland Clinic. I read her patient reviews and one of them said that the doctor actually hugged her. I wanted a doctor that hugged people so that was a big selling point for me.

When I called to make an appointment the hold music and information said, “Welcome to the Cleveland Clinic Cancer Center.” There was even an advertisement for wigs that they sold at the clinic. It was one of the scariest things I have ever heard.

When I got through, the scheduler asked if they had access to my test results through the clinic’s system. She told me a nurse was going to study my results and they would get back to me.

In about a half an hour I got a call back to make my appointment which is in mid July. I felt like they had been looking to see if I was sick enough to be seen.

I am trying not to freak out but I can’t help it. I am doing better today. I know I can’t be a mess until I see the doctor, I’ve got to get it together for my son’s sake.

Next week I already had an appointment scheduled with my primary care physician with blood work ordered so perhaps she will be able to shed some light on my results. Normally I research my lab results, and I did to a point but what’s the use of making myself more upset than I already am? It doesn’t have to be cancer, it could be a blood disorder.

Your prayers and good thoughts are appreciated.

Not my real test results.

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