Depression’s Voice

I go for my gym orientation this Monday. After that there will be no more excuses not to work out. But depression is like a voice in my head telling me, “No! I don’t want you to go there! I want you to stay on the couch, not shower and stay in pajamas!” Then there is the, right now, weaker voice telling me “But you have to exercise to get healthy. It will be good for your diabetes and you need to lose weight. It will even help your depression.”

I changed depression medications about a week ago because the one I was on just wasn’t doing the trick. My one medication was replaced by two. I hope and pray it can bring me up to a balance between depression and mania.

My plan, should I be successful, is to just work out once this week, with the goal of going to the gym three times a week, but in my current state my depression brain is telling me how inconvenient it will be for it. Having to shave in the winter, getting out in the cold more than necessary, maybe an extra shower a day when taking one is hard enough, just getting moving.

I know if I can get into the gym a few times I will get into the habit, but it is just such an uphill climb.

Depression for me is like having a little devil on one shoulder wanting to keep me unproductive. And then there is the angel with the smaller voice on the other shoulder telling me that I should get moving, take a shower, and dress.

This is how I would describe depression to someone who has never felt it before, or at least for the long term.

Angel And Devil On Shoulder facebook timeline cover 849 X 312 Artistic/Fantasy,Painting,Angel,shoulder,Devil,Fantasy,Art,girl,Thinking,decision making,and

Photo credit: genius.com

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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4 Responses to Depression’s Voice

  1. Mrs4444 says:

    Well, being that they’re both on your shoulders, balance, not size, should matter; so, the little voice should be able to get over to the loud voice shoulder and kick it off! Try visualizing that! 🙂

    Just checking in via G+.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I wonder how you went at the gym – assuming you actually got there. And how you’ve been since. If you have ME, there’s no guarantee exercise will be beneficial, so do please, take it very carefully and don’t beat yourself up if you have an adverse reaction to it. Getting yourself up, washed, dressed, hair brushed, bag packed and out to the gym sounds to me like a major challenge in itself, without even doing anything once you get there! I’m not terribly convinced by the idea that feeling a strong sense of not being able to move/ go out, etc. is always attributable to depression. It may be simply responding appropriately to the physical illness.
    I certainly don’t want to discourage you, if you are in fact well enough to take on this programme. (You don’t say if this is your own idea, or that of a well-meaning but possibly ill-informed doctor?)
    I only just came across your blog, through following up Karina Hansen references. So obviously, I don’t know your background or recent developments – please forgive me if my comments aren’t really applicable to your situation. I’ve just been through too much of that endless self-blame game, which I find only serves in the long run to undermine my self-esteem further, leading inevitably to depression. Not the other way round!
    All the very best to you anyway, I hope you will find a safe and effective way of exercising/improving your general fitness.
    Elizabeth :¬)

    • mamasick says:

      I’m glad you found my blog, Elizabeth! I am doing pretty well physically, but I do have diabetes, high cholesterol and am overweight. Working out would help my depression too but depression and now anxiety are keeping me from going. Thank you for your concern.

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