Throwback Thursday!

This post is inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Prompt #1 Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous April and write a poem or a blog post.

Okay I’m taking some liberties with this prompt in that this post appeared March 31st of 2014 and there was no picture. But I was glad to read it and it made me happy that I’ve had my own blog since May of 2009 because I might not have remembered this.

The title of the blog was “Stupid” and it went into some detail as to the effects depression was having on me. Two years ago I was unable to read a book or a newspaper because my concentration was so poor, or I was unable to watch the news. I mostly just sat around watching “Golden Girls”, “Sex and the City” and game shows. I would do it for hours.

I wondered if I would be “stupid” for life.

Two years later my concentration has greatly improved to the point that I can read a book every three to four days and read USA Today every day online. I hardly watch any television, though I do admit to watching Netflix but I would say no more than the average person!

I also wrote about how difficult it was to find topics to blog on, I felt so uninspired. Two years ago I am still struggling with that.

But as I look back I realize how far I’ve come. I am still having trouble cleaning the house and managing my mail and getting going in general but I am a lot better than I was!

I search on Twitter every day for #depression and I read how really bad it is for some people and how horrendous it was for me, enough for me to attempt suicide four years ago. I also haven’t needed to be hospitalized due to depression since early 2013.

I am grateful for all that, believe me, but at the same time I can’t help wanting the sadness and despair to go away and I feel like it will always be with me. Is it too much to wish to be happy and have some energy?

One step I have taken is to switch psychiatrists. I feel like nothing is changing any more with my current one and maybe I can do better to the point where I consider myself a balanced person, neither depressed nor manic. I see my new psychiatrist in July. A long time from now but that’s how things go with the Cleveland Clinic.

Meanwhile, I do have a bit of a smile on my face. I was able to participate in the Writer’s Workshop, making me feel somewhat of a “normal” person!


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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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