This post is inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.
Prompt #1 Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous April and write a poem or a blog post.
Okay I’m taking some liberties with this prompt in that this post appeared March 31st of 2014 and there was no picture. But I was glad to read it and it made me happy that I’ve had my own blog since May of 2009 because I might not have remembered this.
The title of the blog was “Stupid” and it went into some detail as to the effects depression was having on me. Two years ago I was unable to read a book or a newspaper because my concentration was so poor, or I was unable to watch the news. I mostly just sat around watching “Golden Girls”, “Sex and the City” and game shows. I would do it for hours.
I wondered if I would be “stupid” for life.
Two years later my concentration has greatly improved to the point that I can read a book every three to four days and read USA Today every day online. I hardly watch any television, though I do admit to watching Netflix but I would say no more than the average person!
I also wrote about how difficult it was to find topics to blog on, I felt so uninspired. Two years ago I am still struggling with that.
But as I look back I realize how far I’ve come. I am still having trouble cleaning the house and managing my mail and getting going in general but I am a lot better than I was!
I search on Twitter every day for #depression and I read how really bad it is for some people and how horrendous it was for me, enough for me to attempt suicide four years ago. I also haven’t needed to be hospitalized due to depression since early 2013.
I am grateful for all that, believe me, but at the same time I can’t help wanting the sadness and despair to go away and I feel like it will always be with me. Is it too much to wish to be happy and have some energy?
One step I have taken is to switch psychiatrists. I feel like nothing is changing any more with my current one and maybe I can do better to the point where I consider myself a balanced person, neither depressed nor manic. I see my new psychiatrist in July. A long time from now but that’s how things go with the Cleveland Clinic.
Meanwhile, I do have a bit of a smile on my face. I was able to participate in the Writer’s Workshop, making me feel somewhat of a “normal” person!
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