One of a Chronically Ill Parent’s Worst Fears

I had a pretty good Mother’s Day. Jacques made chocolate chip pancakes and other goodies and Grant came over and of course there was Tyler with his precious Mother’s Day gifts! I had hoped to be able to go for a walk after brunch but I was too nauseous.

With me being nauseous since September, Tyler has had to put up with a lot. I’m in bed a good deal of the time and I usually nap for awhile to sleep through my upset stomach. Sometimes I can’t take him to Tae Kwon Do so Jacques takes him and sometimes I can’t bring him to school. It’s been a long time since I haven’t been queasy and able to do something with him, since February in fact. Sometimes he lies in my bed with me, just to be close to me, even if I am sleeping.

Yesterday Tyler had his last night of religion classes. There was to be a mass and then refreshments to mark the end of the year. Even though I was in bed when Tyler came home from school I guess he thought I was coming. Close to the time when it was time to leave he told me to get out of bed and get ready but I told him I was too sick to go.

It was the first time Tyler ever went hysterical over me not being able to share something with him. “You’re always sick!”, he said. “You’re never able to do anything with me!”

Tyler was so upset, I promised him I would try harder, that we had the summer coming up soon and we would have fun at the pool and doing other stuff. That seemed to make Tyler feel better.

But to be honest, I don’t know if I will be able to keep those promises. It’s easy for someone to tell me to suck it up and get over it, but they are not living in my body.

I’m scared to death that I will disappoint Tyler. Sometimes just standing up is out of the question. What will I do?

Tyler came home early from religion class because he told the teacher his mom was sick and he wanted to be with me. He apologized profusely for crying and yelling but really, why should he apologize? “I know you didn’t ask to be sick”, he said.

I’m worried that I am scaring Tyler for life. That these will be the only memories he has when he looks back on his relationship with me.

Tonight I am determined to take him to his Tae Kwon Do class. This means sedating myself so I can sleep through the nausea and drinking coffee so I’m not too groggy from the meds. I will focus only on getting him to this class. I have to.

Are your kids at the point where they resent you and your illnesses? How did you handle it?


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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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