Linking up for the Chronic Friday Linkup at Being Fibro Mom.

For the last few months I’ve been experiencing overwhelming anxiety, just in time for my son’s summer vacation. I know I have to take him places and do things with him but I fear going outside.

I feel like I am anxious about everything. An hour or so before I have to go into the shower I start feeling sick (nauseous) and shaky. I take a couple of sedatives but they seem like they take hours to kick in. I can’t eat but I force myself to eat a little.

Between depression and anxiety, showering is an event. Just working up the courage to take off my clothes is an experience. I try to get out of there as quickly as possible and I hate having to shave because it extends my showering time. I don’t feel good after showering, you know, that clean, feel good feeling? I don’t get that any more, I am still shaking after the shower and when I am done I lay on the couch as soon as possible, exhausted.

The next step is putting on my clothes, I am anxious about that but I’m not sure why. I have
this anxiety about what to wear, I guess, or maybe it is one step closer to going out.

I am fearful of getting Tyler ready too. Putting on his clothes, pushing him to brush his teeth. I also get really anxious when I have to bathe him.

I’ve been having Jacques drive Tyler and me places because I am too nervous to drive. It still takes me a while to calm down once I get to my destination, perhaps my sedatives kick in?

I also have anxiety about doing certain things. I let my mail pile up because I just can’t deal with it. When I finally do open it, I’m so spent that I can’t do anything else for the day.

Dealing with and paying bills is even worse. It upsets me to know that I have trouble with doing “adult” things.

The worst thing is, it doesn’t seem to get any better, it’s the same uphill battle every day. Even now, I have over five hours before I have to leave for Tyler’s doctors’ appointments and I am anxious about it. It just gets worse the closer it gets to me having to start to get ready.

Some of the medicine I take for depression is supposed to help anxiety but I am on so much medication that I hesitate to go on something else.

I could do better at non-medication techniques such as breathing or meditating and I do do them but they really don’t seem to work. I’m too anxious to “breathe” and I feel like I can’t.

Are you anxious? What makes it better for you?


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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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13 Responses to Anxiety!!!

  1. Kim says:

    I’m sorry your anxiety has reached this level. I know at my lowest I used to get anxious about going out in public. I always though people would look at me and wonder, “why is SHE here?”
    My husband sat me down one day and told me how the stores WANT me there. They want me to come in and spend money. He also asked me how many people I pass by actually make an impression on me to where I remember them once I get home. I said not many at all. He told me it’s the same for everyone else – not many people are paying attention to the faces/people they pass by. Hoping you’re able to find things that help soon!

    • mamasick says:

      Yes, sometimes I feel like people will look at me and know I have mental illness, Kim, but that is not the sole reason for my anxiety. I feel safest under the covers and the idea of being outside makes me feel so uncomfortable! You sound like you have a great husband!

  2. I feel your pain. I am quietly anxious a lot of the time. I don’t acknowledge it but I know that’s why I struggle to do certain things or avoid them. The shower is the same for me too. I used to love having two showers a day and washed and dried everyday but I now dread it. Like you, I end up exhausted and shaky from the exertion and then hot and horrible from drying my hair- I cut about 11 inches off because I could no longer manage it. Hugs

    • mamasick says:

      We really sound similar, Hannah! I don’t even blow dry my hair any more, I just try to make it as presentable as possible. I also have depression which makes things difficult too

  3. Kimmie says:

    Gosh, I can relate to the shower thing… I often feel after showing that i need another… I’m dizzy, sweaty, and (as you say) no longer feel clean/fresh after showing. And, as Hannah says… blow drying is awful… a task that I often avoid these days, or have to do in short bursts with fresh air breaks (at the back door) in between stints. o_O
    I’m also finding hair washing incredibly anxiety provoking… because I feel faint (like I’m going to actually pass out) when I close my eyes under the water.

    I hope you find some relief from your symptoms soon. All the best, Kimmie.

    • mamasick says:

      Hi, Kimmie. I think my depression and anxiety combine to make showering a difficult experience but it’s comforting to know there are others like me out there!

  4. My depression is mostly during the winter and I cry a lot. My anxiety, though, is similar to yours. When I get anxiety about an upcoming event, no matter how excited I am about it, nausea kicks in. I think about the drive, the other people there, worst case scenario, on and on. Most of the time I get so worked up that I end up canceling. It sucks to have those feelings when you have kids. I feel like they are missing out on so much because of me.
    Brandi Clevinger´s last blog post ..25 Successful Ways to Have a Career with a Chronic Illnes

    • mamasick says:

      I get the same feelings about my child too, Brandi, but he is almost ten and is beginning to understand when I can’t do certain things. He knows I love him and that I try my best. Thanks for stopping by!

  5. Morgan says:

    Ugh, I know exactly exactly what you mean. Anxiety is such an overwhelming emotion and can honestly be so exhausting. It’s really important that you find a way to manage your anxiety before it begins to take control of your life. There are tons of options for treating your anxiety, and it’s always a good idea to try and figure out what can help ease your symptoms! Thanks so much for being so open and sharing!

    • mamasick says:

      I know breathing and meditation exercises can be good for anxiety but I just can’t get into them or if I do they don’t work for me. I’m too panicked to breathe! Thanks for stopping by, Morgan!

  6. Pingback: Chronic Friday Linkup 22 - Being Fibro Mom

  7. Angie says:

    I have no idea what it is about showering that makes me dread it so much, except that I am in more pain and completely exhausted afterwards. I would NEVER have considered not hopping in the shower first thing in the morning several years ago. Now it’s something I can only force myself to do every couple of days at best, and then not until well into the afternoon. Using an exfoliating shower glove and oatmeal soap (both from the Dollar Tree) does make me feel cleaner, but I have to rest before I can begin combing out my hair, putting on deodorant and lotion, and then getting dressed. My hair hasn’t been blow-dried in years. You are far from being alone. Most of my friends from group therapy and support groups have similar issues. Oddly, my hair and skin are healthier than they’ve ever been. Maybe that’s the silver lining :/
    Angie´s last blog post ..How Do You Define Yourself? (Final)

    • mamasick says:

      When I was in pain and had fatigue I used to use a shower chair so I didn’t get so tired, Angie. But now it is the anxiety and depression that makes it so hard. Getting in is hard and so is being psychologically drained afterwards. Tonight I have to be somewhere at 7:00 and instead of showering and getting out earlier and getting some other things done I mentally can only handle getting in to shower as late as possible and only doing the one thing!

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