Mama Sick

One of the things that has kept me from writing and has added to my depression and anxiety that I had posted about prior is that I have been denied my Social Security disability benefits. So many hours or hard work, chasing doctors to get in their own paperwork, doing everything right as followed by my mentor…only to be turned down.

There is a common thought that most people are turned down the first time.  Next comes the Reconsideration process, where you appeal, make your doctors do more paperwork, and another set of people at Social Security look at your application.  I am not taking any chances, I am definitely going to use a lawyer because it is obvious that I am incapable of “working” the system.

My advice to anyone applying for disability is to use a lawyer right away, I can’t tell you how much I regret not doing this.  I just felt confident in my case and in the step-by-step instructions that I used, but the disability lawyers only take a percentage of your past earnings, and take nothing if they do not succeed.

One of the reasons that I am so angry is that it is obvious that they did not fully read my paperwork that I had painstakingly put together, going over every symptom and it’s effect on me and why every symptom affected my ability to work.

Here’s the main reason that this is so clear:

“We realize your condition prevents you from doing your usual work; however it does not prevent you from doing other types of low stress work requiring less physical effort”.

Excuse me, I had a desk job.  Can someone (maybe Disability) explain to me what might be less physically stressful to my body?

This has put our family into even worse financial difficulty.  We are going to start the Reconsideration process for me and start the Disability process for Grant.  We now are at the point where we are eligible for Food Stamps and Energy Assistance so hopefully this can stop the “bleeding” a little bit. Both of us have been doing better than usual in our free-lance work, but it seems like the clients want the work right away, but are slow to pay or there are difficulties in the invoicing process.  Expanding upon my voiceover career is the one thing I think I could do, but I am so caught up in paperwork, doctors and being sick.

I’m going to end this now because this is starting to increase my depression and anxiety.

New Jersey Moms Blog today.  It gives a good explanation of where I’ve been for the past few weeks. Despite my struggle with severe depression and anxiety I am going to try to get back to posting here more regularly.

Absence is not the way one wishes to start off a new year of blogging but so it goes, my first post of the new year.

We had a big storm the weekend of December 19-20th and after that I could not get on the internet. Grant could, but my computer couldn’t.  We were busy with Christmas week and then had Tyler home for Winter Break.  Grant tried fiddling around with my computer, then we tried Apple Support and finally had to call in our computer guy who finally got me up and running this Tuesday!

If you’re a blogger, and most of you are, you can imagine the frustration of not being able to share Christmas memories and pictures, let alone not being able to tweet!  (Maybe I’ll get those pictures up sometime??)

Meanwhile, I was fortunate to get a significant voiceover project that unfortunately was assigned to me right before Christmas.  Little could be done between trying to get things done for the holiday and Tyler being home.   It has to be very quiet for me to be able to record at home.  So now my deadline is January 20th, which means every spare moment that I am not at doctor’s appointments, sleeping, paying bills or caring for Tyler needs to be spent recording.  After that I hope to be able to be online more regularly.

What else is going on?  Well, I’m still waiting for my disability decision, I am deeply depressed and overly anxious and going to see a new psychiatrist on Tuesday and Tyler is still not potty-trained.

Hope to check in with you all again soon!

Despite Grant not wanting Tyler to see Santa without receiving a H1N1 shot, I knew it would be pretty difficult to avoid the Big Man.  I took Tyler snow boot shopping at the mall and we had to pass him on the way.  “Santa’s here”.  “Uh, yeah, we have to get boots”, I said, hoping he’d forget. After we had bought the boots Tyler said very matter of factly, “Now we have to see Santa”.  I didn’t want to go against Grant’s wishes but what was I supposed to do?

There was no line.  Tyler went up to Santa and said hi.  I remember as a child being in awe of Kris Kringle and being thrilled that he and I were at the same place at the same time.  What were the odds?! Tyler acted like why wouldn’t Santa be at our little local mall in New Jersey? Maybe it’s the age?  I asked Tyler if he wanted to sit on Santa’s lap and he said no.  He seemed content to just stand and converse with him, and I was relieved that I didn’t have to deal with breaking the agreement I had with Grant.

“What do you want for Christmas?,” Santa asked. “Piderman!”, he jumped up and down.  I translated for Santa.  “Oh, and have you been a good boy all year?”  “Yes”, said a very serious Tyler.  He looked at a basket of little toys and asked if he could have one.  Santa said yes and he took a rubber duckie with a Santa hat.  Then Tyler said goodbye.

So, I didn’t get that picture perfect moment of my joyous child on Santa’s lap, but at least Tyler got to talk to him, Legend to three-year-old.  And I guess I should enjoy this time when it appears Tyler will be pretty satisfied with a few Spiderman things and not have a wish list as long as my arm.

…New Jersey Moms Blog today, wondering how you are supposed to discard old toys without your child noticing and/or freaking out!  I hope you’ll take a look!

Waiting to hear if I will get disability is probably one of the most stressful things I have ever gone through.  I know that it is responsible in a large part for an increase in my depression and anxiety. One of the things that has me stressed out in particular is that my Rheumatologist has STILL not gotten in the paperwork that was sent to him.  He’s had it for over a month!  Today my husband actually spoke to him and he told him that he has fifty patients needing disability paperwork.  FIFTY?  I am hoping that is an exaggeration.  I have called his office four or five times, he’s gotten repeated letters from Disability and now my husband has called.  I don’t know what else to do.

I have worked too hard on my disability application only to be turned down because of something out of my control.  I included paperwork from him when I applied for disability, I can only hope that it is enough.  But he is my Rheumatologist and most of my problems are Rheumatological!  I know doctors are busy but this is MY LIFE!  Plus I gave him tons of information, I don’t think I could have made it any easier.  I’d love to find a new doctor but good Rheumatologists are hard to find around here.

I just have to hope that what I did, how specific I got was enough and that my two other doctors who have gotten in their paperwork along with letters from former co-workers and friends will be enough to show that I am credible.  Getting disability for my family would be the first step in turning our lives around and make me feel that I am providing for my family once again, even if it is a lot less money.

With what my Disability contact said I will probably hear right around New Year’s.  It’s going to hugely impact how our 2010 will be.  I’m really ready for something positive to happen for our family.

Yesterday was Tyler’s visit with the hypnotherapist to see if we could help him with the verbal and motor tics he has been experiencing.  You can read the full story up until now here.

All of us were nervous and I wasn’t sure how Tyler would do with her.  To our surprise, he allowed us to leave the room after ten minutes so she could work with him.  Hypnotherapy, at least on a three-year-old, is not at all what I expected.  She didn’t put him in any kind of trance.  We heard him laughing.  We came back in after about ten minutes and she told us that Tyler had learned a technique to make him “switch off” his tics.  She had used the two toys that he had brought with him, Spiderman and a Little Person from Fischer-Price.  When he coughed she held up Spiderman and asked, “Can Spiderman help you stop coughing?”, and it worked!  She said when it worked the first time, Tyler laughed, he was delighted.

She was surprised that he had learned a technique so quickly but she thought that three-year-olds are in a highly suggestible state all of the time!  The thing now will be, will it stay with him?  I have used it a few times and it has worked.  But Tyler told me it was the lady that did it and he can only do it with her.  I said that the lady has taught him the magic now and he can do it without her.  He says he wants to see the lady again.  He really liked her!

The doctor told us that tics and Tourette’s are not a big deal and that children can do very well. She felt that drugs for this specific problem do not work well and come with tremendous side effects.  She also felt that diets and supplements, “miracle cures”, do not work.  She spoke highly of hypnotherapy for it, if not her, because she won’t be around forever, she said, then from someone else.

Here’s my disclaimer:  I would only try this with a licensed hypnotherapist and these are my experiences and opinions.

I am hoping that Tyler’s visit with the Magic Lady will stay with him.  If not we will see her again. She is expensive, our insurance doesn’t cover it, but our child deserves the best start he can get in life, just like any child does.

I went to the mall today, a small one-floor mall where I felt good enough to walk to the two stores I wanted to go to.  Unfortunately the store where I had a gift certificate from for my birthday had moved out of the mall.  I hadn’t bought winter clothes in a couple of years so I went to Old Navy and got a few things, trying to ignore the guilt feelings about spending any money on myself.  (I came home and threw the sweater I had been wearing in the garbage.)

I’m heading out to leave when this woman from a kiosk literally grabs me by the hand and pulls me over to her booth and starts filing my nail!  She wouldn’t let go of my hand and she wouldn’t stop talking!  “Are you ready to be amazed?”, she asks.  She shows me my nail.  “It’s very nice but I can’t afford it.”  “But you just went shopping!”  What nerve!  “Yeah, well I couldn’t afford that either”, I said, walking away.  That was the first kiosk person that has ever “got” me!  Now I have just one perfectly manicured nail and nine other crappy ones.

On the way out, I looked into Victoria’s Secret to see if they had any good underwear sales.  One of the saleswomen holds out a bra.  “Do you want to feel our latest Miracle Bra?”  “No thanks, I’m a D-cup, I don’t need a miracle.”  Then she starts talking to me about other bras. “I really just need some panties.”  So she started to tell me about every panty in the store.  I didn’t get anything.

Is it the economic desperation?  You can ask me if I need anything once, but after that if I need YOUR help, I’ll ask for it!  Ever since I hit my early 20s I’ve always hated to shop, even when I wasn’t sick!

…New Jersey Moms Blog today.  Grant’s afraid of Tyler sitting on Santa’s lap due to the Swine Flu.  I hope you’ll take a read!

It makes me feel so guilty to say this but whenever I know we will have a long weekend with Tyler being home, I get anxious about how I will handle him and how I will feel doing it.  I love being with my son but my body just does not want to cooperate.  Laying down during the middle of the day is a must for me and I do get some energy back doing it but there are just some days next week where that will just not be possible.  Like Thanksgiving Day, for example!

On Tuesday morning I have a WIC appointment that Tyler has to come to.  I will then bring him to daycare.  But in the afternoon I have a follow-up appointment with my endocrinologist. I’m stressed out.  I know it sounds crazy, but will I be able to have a nap before Tyler comes home?  And then on Wednesday, his daycare closes at 3:30 and then we have the long weekend.  Tyler is so active and rarely naps at home.  How will I keep up?

Grant’s Crohn’s Disease is still flaring.  I feel badly to ask him to do more than he can even if I am exhausted.  I get so frustrated.  I want to be able to take Tyler out to the park if the warm weather continues, but my body just balks.  I want to have the energy I used to have when he was a baby and I spent endless hours playing with him.  Tired yes, but about the same amount of tired as any normal, sleep-deprived mom.  I miss the joy I used to have at the aspect of a long weekend to be with him.  Now I am just scared.

But I also realize I have to stop looking at next week as one big long day and take each day as it comes.  And I also have to remember that despite how I view my shortcomings as a mom, Tyler somehow still thinks I am the greatest mom in the world and that even though he has a lot more activity at daycare, all he really wants to do is be with me, no matter what we do or don’t do.