Mama Sick

Recently Grant got a double DVD of the classic Looney Tunes cartoons for all of us to enjoy.  I was surprised by how much Tyler really likes them.  He calls them “the funny cartoons”.  They are so different from the cartoons of today, no lessons to be learned, just funny for adults and kids alike.  And you forget about all the great jazz and classical music that is played throughout the cartoons.  As for the “violence” that people have critiqued Looney Tunes on…well, I don’t see Tyler getting a hold of any anvils or sticks of dynamite from Acme any time soon!

Tyler seems partial to Daffy Duck but I think our family favorite has to be One Froggy Evening with Michigan J. Frog.   Tyler loves the music and I always want to remember him thinking the words the frog sings are “Hello My Baby, Hello My Honey, Hello My Rectangle Band“!

I wish things would settle down a bit so I could do some regular things, such as keeping a regular blog! Lately I feel like I don’t even have time to eat.  Due to some insurance changes, Grant has had a tough time finding a new Gastroenterologist as he suffers from Crohn’s Disease.  On Thursday night he called the ambulance because his pain was just too bad.  They admitted him but released him on Sunday. Grant  is one of those people who hates hospitals; he get stir crazy there.  He is stabilized and is following up with his doctors.

Francesca was able to stay with me to help with Tyler, who seemed to take daddy’s hospital stay pretty well.  I told him that he was in a hospital like Curious George has been in and that they were going to make daddy’s tummy feel better.  I am glad Grant is finally getting to the help he needs.

I feel like we are so different from other families.  When I am with other people and they talk about their jobs or their homes, it feels so foreign to me.  I long to be a part of that crazy life of a working mom and all the energy that comes with it.  Kind of like, “I don’t know how our family does it, but we do it”!  I long for a routine of a full-time job that is stimulating, and fun weekends with my child and vacations that we can afford.

When you have chronic illness, life is so uncertain.  You don’t know whether your health will improve, stay the same or get worse.  It’s the same thing with your finances.

Right now our family could use some stability and normalcy right now.  Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off!

One of my doctors telling me that she would not support me in my disability and the death of my cat on Friday has officially put me into a deep depression, as if I wasn’t depressed already. My physical symptoms along with these mental ones have made functioning very difficult.  I feel like I am moving through molasses sometimes.  I know I need to find a new psychiatrist, but that is ONE more doctor, ONE more thing.

Yesterday I cancelled my physical therapy because, physically and mentally, I just couldn’t get moving.  I spent most of the day in bed, feeling useless, I couldn’t shower.  Today I had my phone session with my therapist and I told her about the two events in my life that really put me in this mindset.  She has also been asked by the disability people to fill out paperwork and she said that it is a “no-brainer” that I deserve it.  We are going to work on it together next week and she said she is going to do whatever it takes on her part.  Having a third doctor in my corner has made me feel a bit better.

Over on the cat grieving front, it really seems like Rosie’s sister is stepping it up.  I’m not sure if she is grieving but she has been super affectionate and doing the things Rosie used to do, like laying in my bed, especially when I am there.

Luckily, when it comes to Tyler, I am doing okay.  I can get out of bed, feed him, bathe him, play with him, etc.  I thank God for him because he still can bring me happiness.  Today I showered, went to the dentist and balanceed my checkbook.  Those are victories in my fight against this depression.

…for the complete story and latest on Tyler’s battle with facial and motor tics please see my post on New Jersey Moms Blog today.

Two weeks from the day we found out that my twelve-year-old cat, Rosie, had severe kidney failure I put her to sleep.  Problems with her legs masked the fact that there were other issues going on and we thought she was in too much pain to get up.  I was shocked when the veterinarian told me she had lost 80% of her kidney function.

She stayed in the hospital for four nights, and finally started to eat.  The doctor thought she might do better at home.  We had to give her an IV of fluids once a day plus three other medications twice a day. It wasn’t easy but Rosie was worth it.  Unfortunately, she never really started to eat and on the day of her check-up, we knew there was no need to check anything. She was isolating herself from us and not getting up even to drink.

I never put a cat or any pet to sleep before.  When we brought her to the vet she did not seem scared. Grant said goodbye to her, not being able to stay in for the end and now I kind of wish I hadn’t either. The vet gave her a sedative which immediately caused her to stick her tongue out, which was kind of ironic because she used to do that all the time, causing us a lot of amusement.  The final shot came soon after and she went about 30 seconds later, with her tongue still out and her eyes still open.  They don’t close as easy as humans’ do.  I will never forget that image.

I felt strongly that her spirit was still there.  I asked her to be a kitty angel for us and to help our family. I really do believe that we will see our pets in Heaven and I told her to look out for my dad, that she would stay with him now.

I was scared to tell Tyler but at three-years-old, he really didn’t understand which was probably for the best.

I know that was tough to read but I wanted to get the bad stuff out first and then to tell you about my cat.  I knew her and her sister, Lizzie, since they were two weeks old and took them home with me at 6 and a half weeks.  They were my first “grown-up” cats, the ones I had when I was first out on my own. They’ve been with me through many roommates and many boyfriends and were the one constant and joy in my life when things were rough.

Rosie was the type of cat whom, even if you didn’t like cats, you liked.  She was very small for a domestic cat, about eight to nine pounds and she had huge eyes in a very small head.  Grant and I called her “play” kitty.  I used to say she would jump and play until she died if we didn’t stop her.  A couple of years ago she did stop playing as much because of her knee problems.

Being sick at home, she was a constant companion to me.  She loved to sleep and nap with me, the two of us laying back to back.  I always felt guilty that I couldn’t spend as much time with her after Tyler was born but she seemed to adjust.  I wish Tyler could have known her as Play Kitty.

Play Kitty is how I want to remember her.  Jumping as high as she could, racing after laser beams and chasing her sister.  Lizzie doesn’t seem to be looking for her, I think she knew the end was near for her.  She and one of my other cats licked her on the day I took her to be put down.  Lizzie seems to be becoming more affectionate to Grant and I.  Maybe she is trying to help us with our grief.

I will miss my very special Rosie, but I truly believe that I will see her again and she will be my Play Kitty once more.

…and it didn’t really make a bump in the road of my life because I have bigger problems than turning 40, right?  My cat is not eating and on Friday we have an appointment with the vet and I feel she is going to recommend we put her down.  There has just been so much stress going on lately.  As I am waiting for a decision to be made on my disability I have been given more paperwork which I did manage to finish.  If I hadn’t done so much work prior to applying I would have really been in trouble. Even so I could not complete it on time, although I did call a nice representative and let her know, and she was okay with that.

A doctor that has only seen me twice since I declared my disability date of March in 2008 called me and said that in her opinion I did NOT qualify for disability based on the work I did. First of all, she has only seen me twice and has no idea how I function on a daily basis and how my life has been affected.  Second of all, just because my prior job was a desk job does not mean I can stay awake, get dressed for it and not find it painful.  It isn’t just the forty hours at your desk (not that I think I could do that) but getting up at 6:00 a.m., getting my son and I ready for the day, coming home, making dinner, bathing him, doing dishes at 10:30 at night and going to bed at 11:00, if I am lucky.  It was hard enough doing that while I was well and I am sure most well women would agree with me!

The representative told me that one doctor not filling out the paperwork would not hurt my case.  I have paperwork filled out from doctors who have seen me on a monthly basis for more than a year, those are the doctors who should count.  Anyway, this doctor really threw me and has just made me so scared that I will not get disability.

And she called me on my birthday!  We didn’t have enough money to do much but Tyler made me a card which made me cry of course, and he gave me the Willow Tree figure that he had broken when he was smaller.  Grant gave me a clothing store gift certificate.  I wasn’t looking for anything for my birthday, just wishing that my family’s life would improve.  I wasn’t really depressed about turning 40, just wishing things were better for us all and that we would have a financial situation where we were comfortable enough doing something special as one usually does on the “big” birthdays.

So that’s where I’ve been.  Tyler had a great Halloween and I will post pictures soon!

My cat was able to come home and today was the first day that she started eating on her own! The next ten days will be very critical for her.  The home care is a bit daunting, but I know Grant and I will do it.  The scariest thing is doing a portion of an  I.V. bag of fluid daily with a needle.  It takes about five minutes for it to go through.  I feel like I am becoming a nurse, learning how to do an I.V. drip!  I hope I remember how!  There are also some pills and one liquid medication.  All of these would either drop off completely or lessen as she gets better. Cats can live for years with this treatment.

Rosie looks better than she has in weeks.  She has already walked around and eaten and drank on her own.  Being back home seems to agree with her.  She has at some point today groomed herself.

I want to say a special thank you to Dr. Terry Miele and the whole team at the Carnegie Cat Clinic.  They really cared for Rosie like she was their own cat and they really fought for her.

As  I write this, she is laying in bed right up against my elbow, same as always!  I know she wishes I would just turn off the lights and take a nap!  I will in a little while, and treasure the feeling of Rosie once again sleeping right next to me.

This has been a tough, crazy month with my twelve-year-old cat, Rosie. She suffers from dislocated knees and arthritis, and this past week she didn’t seem to want to move any more. We asked for pain medication for her, thinking that she just couldn’t get up to eat, drink or move and when the pain meds didn’t seem to change anything, we brought her to the vet on Friday.  We were shocked to learn that the veterinarian thought something else was going on with her and was leaning towards kidney disease!

We left her there and in the afternoon the vet called and told me that Rosie had lost 80% kidney function! Amazingly, cats, while not able to regain kidney function, can survive with home care, but they must be able to eat on their own and respond to the treatment at the vet’s.  The plan was to give her the weekend and see if she was improving.

It has been very difficult trying to take care of the needs of my child and trying not to be too sad around him.  Thus, I have not cried at all about this.  I think one of the hardest parts of having a child is putting them first no matter what is going on in your life; that they are depending on you.

We all visited Rosie at the vet’s yesterday.  Tyler petted Rosie and told her he loved her.  He says he is sad but obviously he can’t grasp too much.  Meanwhile I’ve known Rosie way longer than him or even my husband!  I had some time alone with Rosie who was looking better than when we had brought her in.  I told her that I wanted what was best for her but if she really wanted to come home she needed to start eating on her own.  Grant told me he was more like, “Don’t you dare die on me, goddammit”!

This morning the vet called and told me that Rosie’s levels were about 50% improved, although she still was not eating.  She recommended one more overnight and then evaluating.  She said that Rosie’s response was really good and that sometimes she will have people bring their pets home to see if them being home will get them interested in eating.

I don’t mind the fight, but, God, if this is all going to end badly…it’s hard to go on like this, you know? I’ve never had to put an animal to sleep; Rosie and her sister are my first “grown-up” pets.

It’s been really hard to get myself to write this.  Life has been tough enough without this happening. We can’t afford this, but what do you do when a pet has been good to you for so long, what other choice do you have?  My feeling about life and death situations, be it pets or people is that I want whatever is best for them.  Of course, it’s not always what is best for me.  I do believe Rosie’s outcome is in God’s hands.

After a ton of preparation and much waiting I finally had my disability appointment yesterday.  I think it went very well.  Because I had made an appointment I only had to wait for about twenty minutes in the crowded waiting room that was ripe for Swine flu conditions. The woman who interviewed me was nice, I told her I was nervous and she said in an non-bitchy way, “Well, you’re going to be here for about an hour and a half so you might as well relax”.

She took all of my documentation (doctor’s letters, chart notes, lab tests, etc.) and scanned them into the computer.  She said some people come in and she asks them what medications they are on and they can’t remember and she has to put down “Don’t know”.  She said a lot of people don’t even fill out the worksheet that they ask you to fill out.  I am hoping these are the people you hear about that get turned down on their first try!

She told me that I may get letters asking what I do all day and I told her that I had already answered that.  She said that sometimes if someone’s documentation is complete a decision can be made in a week instead of the three months or so that they usually tell you!

I was really glad that I had everything written down.  She didn’t ask me too many questions but when you are nervous you forget things.  I even had to think about the date I got married!

For anyone about to apply for disability I would definitely recommend NOT doing anything on-line, making an appointment and doing your whole interview and handing them your documentation in one fell swoop.  It just goes more smoothly and hopefully everything I have done will result in a positive outcome!  I was definitely encouraged by Social Security to merely apply on-line.

I am not going to write about everything I included in applying for disability since I have not been approved.  I can’t claim any expertise, but if I do get approved I will definitely point people in the right direction as to where I got my advice from.

No one wants to admit that one can no longer work.  I certainly don’t want to take an approximately $50,000 pay cut (from when I was working) but at this point I will be very grateful if I do get approved and feel that in some way I am contributing toward supporting my family again.  We really need it too.

I recently had a changeover in my insurance where my COBRA ended and I had the option to private pay.  The cost is pretty high, over $450.00 a month, but for continuity and because I have so much going on healthwise with so many doctors, Grant and I decided I would continue with my insurance. It’s the same insurance and I was told the transition on October 1st would be “seamless”.  The biggest issue I worried about was the Orencia infusion for my Lupus, which is supposed to be given every four weeks.  Due to no doctors being available (I wasn’t told why) I could not get Orencia when it I was supposed to so I got scheduled for October 5th instead of the prior week.

I’m all paid up with the insurance, I have my new card, and I get a call from my Rheumatologist’s office saying that they cannot even ask for permission for me to get Orencia until October 1st.  Even though I am already paid for October and it is the same insurance! My Rheumatologist then tells me on October 1st that I need a referral for them to even ask if I can get my Orencia, even though I don’t have an appointment.  How can I make an appointment if I don’t have approval for Orencia?!

On October 2nd I ask the staff of my Primary Care Physician to date my referral for that day.  I let my Rheumatologist’s office know and they say they will call me if there is a problem.  They have to reschedule for October 12th and now I have the added worry that I will go out of remission.  So, here is what really pisses me off.  My Rheumatologist’s office calls me on Wednesday, October 7th saying there is no referral.  They are mad, saying they have been trying to “jump on this”.  Ummm, jumping on this means checking on Monday NOT Wednesday, when my appointment is the following Monday! It turns out I have a referral but it is not for the doctor who gives me my infusion.  They have never told me I needed a referral for that doctor, EVER, I’ve been seeing them for over a year!  How did he give me my infusions before?  I ask them does this mean I won’t have my infusion October 12th and they say, “We’ll let you know if there’s a problem”, not very nicely.  On Friday they tell me I will not be able to get the infusion and they have optimistically scheduled for October 15th (today). They tell me that they will call if there is a problem and that they will call to confirm as usual two days prior.

So on Tuesday they call and confirm.  I say, “Great, so everything’s been approved”?  The staff member tells me yes.  I call AGAIN today to confirm my appointment.  No problem.  I come in today, Grant has dropped me off.  Even though I want to wring their necks I thank them for all their hard work.  The woman at the front desk says, “Wellll, we still don’t have the approval yet”.  At this point I am trying not to scream.  Why am I in this office?!  Why did they tell me to come in?!  Two people are telling me how many calls they made.  That’s great, but why did you tell me to come in today?  I think it was more like, “Oh, shit, she’s coming in today and we never got the approval”!  The woman at the front desk makes another call and LUCKILY gets the woman at the insurance company who says it has been approved.  Of course if she never got in touch with her I would have gone there for NOTHING.

I am so angry at the insurance company and the doctors’ staff.  They are all annoyed, but I am the patient. I’m the one who had to make the calls AND worry that if I didn’t get my infusion in time, that I could come out of remission.  No one in this situation was more upset than ME! But they don’t get that.  So, I got my infusion and now I just have to hope that it wasn’t too late.