Mama Sick

They are my almost every free thought so I supposed I should write about them.

I’m 2/3’s of my credit card’s limit, plus lots of other bills.  There’s no way we could ever pay that credit card off.  We’re still taking from our dwindling savings but then what?  My 401K I suppose, not that there is a lot in that.  What then?

On October 1st I start private health insurance which is about 100 dollars more expensive than COBRA, plus pays only 50% of my drugs!  But with my health issues, I couldn’t make it on NJ Family Care.  The drug that I take for Lupus is an IV drug, thousands of dollars a month and comes out of major medical so I still won’t pay for that, at least.

During the last few years Grant and I combined have been averaging $15,000. a year out of pocket.  This is when we were working, when we both had “good” insurance from our jobs. When you have chronic illness, you still wind up paying a lot out of pocket.

I don’t have to be a mathematician to know we are spending way more than we have coming in.  I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get my disability, which is just about $20,000. a year. I fear that we will have to move in with my in-laws.

Don’t get me wrong, my in-laws are wonderful people and they have been very generous to us. But we would be five people and seven, yes SEVEN cats living in a three bedroom one bathroom home.

I rock my child to sleep every night and think Why does this have to be this way for us?  Why did I have to get so sick?  Why do I have to worry about money every single second and why must my son suffer the consequences?

About to hit bottom financially and I NEVER thought it would come to this.

at New Jersey Moms Blog today, writing about her son learning about Mommy’s illnesses as he gets older.  Too much, too soon for a toddler?  Please check it out!

Ever since I became pregnant I had become a fan of the Willow Tree Figurines, getting the first one of a pregnant woman, then a mother holding her little baby and a few more, until Tyler became able to smash things.  He broke the one of the man and woman holding their newborn baby who is still wearing his hat from the hospital, and I put the rest away.

I had a rough week last week and for the past couple of days I’ve had what I think is a stomach bug.  It’s not the worst virus ever but with everything else I’ve got going on, it’s put me over the top with depression over being sick.

Grant has continued a tradition started by his father called a Sick Prize.  Whoever is sick, gets a trinket of some kind.  Today, after at least a year and a half of not buying anything breakable, he bought me a figurine called “Hope”:

It is my little boy, holding a balloon for his mommy, reminding me why I am doing this, why I am here.  My son gives me hope and he is indeed my hope.

Yesterday I had my colonoscopy.  (Way to start a blog!)  Maybe because I’ve been flaring this prep was the hardest on me, ever.  My legs were so shaky and I felt so weak and nauseous.  I couldn’t take a shower, there was just no way, and I hate to go out like that, especially to a doctor or hospital.  When we got to the hospital I had to be taken up in a wheelchair.

Anyway, after following the prep exactly and despite how horrible I felt, apparently I was not fully “cleared out” so they had to biopsy where they couldn’t see.  The biopsies come back in seven to ten days.  Otherwise they saw mildly active Ulcerative Colitis, which I guess with everything else going on, I don’t even notice.

Today I had to get routine blood work.  I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. The one scooter wasn’t working, grrrrr!  I couldn’t even stand at the pharmacy to pick up my medication, I just felt so weak in my legs plus the pain.  Ever since I’ve gotten Raynaud’s going to the grocery store has become a painful experience all around.  I freeze there and my hands hurt whenever I have to touch anything cold or frozen.

I’m in bed now with heating pads, ready to take a nap and approach the weekend anxiously as usual.

Next week in a new, exciting chapter of my health, a visit to the Endocrinologist to find out what is causing my Vitamin D absorption difficulty!

So I have made it through one hurdle.  Monday’s dental work.  The dentist filled one cavity and then took out six old silver/mercury filings and replaced them.  I was in the chair for an hour and forty-five minutes!  The dentist and assistant could not believe how well I did.  I was like Please, I have chronic pain, this is a walk in the park.

And really it wasn’t too bad.  The novacaine shots hurt the most and then at around 9 p.m. that night when everything completely wore off the pain was pretty bad but I just took 3 expired (not recommended, kids!) ibuprofin and that relieved it.  Yesterday I laid low, I was tired from the dental work and my Costo was bothering me.

Today I had my acupuncture and I think I feel some relief.  It’s hard to tell.  One thing that is a bit upsetting is my doctor is dead set against narcotics, when three years ago she was prescribing them to me!  I wonder what has happened to cause her opinion to change.  I don’t care what she says, my legs do feel better with percocet, they just do!

And today I am prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow.  As of tonight I am weak, queasy, shaking and trying not to soil my underwear.  I just wish it was all over.

I was really disappointed not to be a part of the Silicon Valley Moms Blog’s topic day on Healthcare Reform, but I just haven’t been on my game this week to write something powerful for that.  I was also really sorry that I missed my regular Tuesday theme of Tuesdays With Tyler.  I hadn’t missed one yet. This is just a really bad week between the dentist, the colonoscopy and the usual pain in my calves along with my Costo flare.

On that note I will close.  I just wanted to check in with ya’ll.  Good health to you.

This week I am having major dental work, a colonoscopy, acupuncture and blood work!  Yes, all in one fun-filled week!  I made my colonoscopy appointment a couple of months ago and then my Rheumatologist told me that I could only have dental work done when my immunosuppressant drug was at it’s weakest, which is this week.

Tomorrow I am getting six old mercury fillings replaced plus one cavity filled.  Next month I must have the other side done.  I really don’t know what I am in for but I got a little alarmed when I saw this tweet last week from

@phatmommy: Had mercury filling replaced. Dentist & nurse wore masks, looked like hazmat team. For bit of mercury that’s been in my mouth for 30 years?

@mamasick:  @phatmommy I need 12 filings replaced! All mercury. Not b/c of that but b/c they are so old. God help me!

@phatmommy:  @mamasick I will just say one thing. NOT FUN.

So, if you don’t hear from me for a while, you know why!  I think people who are chronically ill really rail at God and the Universe when they need something normal done like dental work or get something common like a really bad cold.  On top of everything else I need this?

When you suffer from chronic illness it is likely you also suffer from a chronically messy or dirty home.  I think this gets to women much more often than men and especially to women who have kids. For years I have had cleaning people that started when Grant broke his leg, and my RA started flaring even more trying to keep up with things.

So I do have my home cleaned every two weeks, I manage to get my laundry and Tyler’s done on a regular basis and although my sink isn’t always shined, FlyLady, I do have a steady flow of dishes getting cleaned.

But it’s those longer term projects that I can never seem to get to.  For over a month I’ve had a large contractor bag full of stuff that I need to decide if I am going to keep or throw away. That’s been laying in my entry hall.  Francesca gave us beautiful flowers about three weeks ago; they’re still there, very dead now.  And I have a layer of clothes on my bedroom floor that I need to fold up and get rid of.  Under that there is a layer of clothes that I need to take to the dry cleaner and under that there is stuff that I still have not gone through from when my mother moved…in October!  Three layers of mess!  Oh yeah, my cleaning people don’t go near my bedroom.  How would they vacuum if they can’t see the floor?

It really bothers me, upsets me, depresses me, but I cannot work on it for fear of injuring, flaring or tiring myself further!  I do about all I can do and I am exhausted.  Just the bear minimum.

Are you sick like me and have a home that resembles my own?  Or maybe you aren’t sick but are a busy mom that just doesn’t have the time to do anything extra?  Please leave me a comment, maybe it will make me feel better.  And FlyLady, f-off!

Sometimes I think I am just not meant to get well, as if someone, somewhere (God?) is punishing me.  But logically I know that isn’t true, it just feels like it.

My Costochondritis has flared to the point where I have decided I must put physical therapy for my legs on hold and take care of this first.  It is the worst flare of Costo I have had in about five years, I can feel it right through the Percocet that I take for my leg pain.  It is flaring in a lot of ribs but the worst are near my lungs.  Taking good breaths is difficult and it is leaving me completely exhausted.  I wake up wondering how long I have until I can sleep again.

It is much more debilitating than my legs.  Sometimes I can barely speak and I just feel like I always need to speak quietly.  Forget singing to my son.  Forget my voiceover work, the only income that I have coming in right now.  It’s got to be taken care of as quickly as possible.

The massage that I had on Sunday did not help.  I am going to go back to my Physiatrist who treated me for my Costo back then through acupuncture.  I can’t start seeing her until Wednesday and I wonder how I will make it until then and how I will get through the weekend.

I had to call my Physical Therapist and tell him what was going on.  I let him know that I thought what he was doing was really helping and I wanted to go back to him but that this was the more pressing issue and he agreed.

I feel so down about this turn of events.  Just when I am finally starting to make some progress with my legs after about nine months of pain I get a Costo flare, when I haven’t had one for five years!!

That analogy about how I describe myself to people holds true.  I am like an old car.  Just when you fix something on me, something else breaks.

This post was inspired by the Silicon Valley Moms Group’s Book Club selection Birth Day by Mark Sloan, a pediatrician whose book takes you through the history of birth written for the layman or should I say laywoman?  For more interpretations, plus the opportunity to comment with other moms and the author himself, please check out the Silicon Valley Moms Blog for the lead post, as well as all of our mom blogging sisters in the Silicon Valley Moms Group!

One thing can be said for sure after reading this book, I am very glad I had the opportunity to give birth to Tyler on September 12, 2006, as opposed to 1906, 0r 1806!

I had Gestational Diabetes and since things had gone very well with that, I was allowed to be induced in my 40th week.  I was still disappointed, because I did not want to be induced.  I did everything I could to get things moving but Tyler was staying put.  So on the night of September 11th, 2006 I checked into Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick with my husband Grant and my doula, Dorothy Haines.  We had chosen a doula because Grant was not sure how much of the task he would be up to and the friend I wanted to be with me, Marie, had just had a child two months ago and we were not sure if she would be able to come.

The doctor gave me Cervidil to help soften my cervix and to hopefully put me into labor.  I had some cramping but no contractions.  Dorothy left and Grant and I went to sleep.

At 9:00 the next morning, I still had not progressed.  I was able to shower.  Dr. Kolawole Oyelese was internationally known as an expert in prenatal diagnosis and in OB critical care. Originally from Africa but schooled in London, his melodious voice talked to Grant and I as he explained that being an OB was not a job but a calling to him, and that he felt that his patients were more like his family.  Although I had only met him once before, I felt very happy that he was going to be delivering my baby!

He examined me around 11:10 a.m.  I was 2 centimeters but 80% effaced!  He told me he was going to break my water and start off with a low dose of pitocin.  At 11:15 I experienced my very first contraction!  Dorothy called my friend Marie and we decided she would get here around 2:00.

Right from the beginning, my contractions were 2 minutes apart!  I thought to myself This is the beginning of labor???? How am I going to stand the next ten or eleven hours???  Dorothy helped me try sitting on the birth ball and a rocking chair but I felt too much pressure.  I could only get some comfort by lying on my left side.  Grant and Dorothy were helping me get through my contractions and I was very proud that Grant had made it this far!

I remember saying to Dorothy, “This isn’t how you said it would be!”  Where were my weaker, more timed out contractions that would have perhaps gotten me used to all of this pain?

After an hour of this, the contractions got even more intense.  Before going in I had not made my mind up if I was going to have an epidural but at this point not only did I demand an epidural I would have taken heroin if it was offered to me…or maybe a gun?

Before my epidural the doctor said he wanted to examine me and I said, “No, please don’t touch me without an epidural, I beg you, I beg you!”  (Yes, I seriously said that!)  He relented and the anesthesiologist came in at 12:35 p.m.  You are supposed to stay still while they put the needdle  in place but by that time my body was no longer my own, the contractions were one on top of another! Grant left while I got the epidural.  He was never to get back in.

The epidural was working 13 minutes later and Dr. Oyelese examined me.  He said, “My God, you have gone from two centimeters to nine centimeters in less than two hours.  What he didn’t tell me at the time was that the nurse was having a hard time finding Tyler’s heartbeat and when she did it was slower than she liked.  The doctor said, “Elizabeth, I am going to help you have this baby right now!”

Nothing was set up in my room for the delivery.  A first time mom laboring this quickly was nearly unheard of.  I don’t know if he pushed a button or someone heard him but suddenly about a dozen people rushed into my room, throwing books, ice chips and other items everywhere.   My legs were up in the stirrups and I felt like I was watching a movie or something out of the t.v. show E.R.

When they strapped an oxygen mask on me, I knew something was wrong.  Grant heard me speaking through the oxygen mask and he saw the N.I.C. Unit bassinet brought in and he told me later he just started crying and praying.

Dr. Oyelese was very calm, assuring me that everything was fine.  With the epidural, I could no longer feel my contractions and it was difficult to push.  The doctor needed both the vacuum and forceps and he and the other nurses and interns said, “Elizabeth, you have to push, push as hard as you can!”  With their help I pushed for about six minutes.  The cord had been wrapped around Tyler’s neck.  I waited a tense few seconds and when I heard that cry I knew everything was okay. Tyler was born at 1:10 p.m.  Yes, if you are doing the math from start to finish that was two hours!

They cleaned him up and put him on my stomach.  I spoke to him the words I had spoken to him ever since I knew I was having a baby and knew I would name him Tyler.  I said, “Mommy loves, Tyler, mommy loves her baby.”  Dorothy said she could tell he recognized me instantly.

My friend Marie came in at 2:00 and asked Grant how it was going.  Grant said, “It’s over.” “What?  Stop it!”  “I’m serious, it’s done, come meet Tyler.”

A lot of people think I am lucky that I only had a two hour labor, but I felt very traumatized over how quickly it all went.  I also suffered a third degree tear, fourth being the worst.  Tyler was born without a mark on him, I feel so thankful that Dr. Oyelese delivered him. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I had a less skilled doctor.  Afterwards, Grant told me he gave a little class on my delivery!  I have few regrets except that I wish I had done it before so I would have known what was going on and that I  had had a chance to enjoy the epidural for longer than a few minutes!

…New Jersey Moms Blog today, talking about her Shadow, otherwise known as her toddler!   Hope you will take a look at something that’s a little different than my blog posts here!  Enjoy your Sunday as best as you can!