Mama Sick

One book I love that features a mother and her son is The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown, the same author who wrote the ubiquitous Goodnight Moon. Published in 1942, a little bunny decides to run away from his mother, who tells him she will go after him.  If he becomes a rock, she will become a mountain climber to reach him, if he becomes a fish, she will become a fisherman.  It is the story of a mother’s unconditional love for her child.

Tyler has had the book since he was a baby but as he gets older, the story has more meaning for him. He recognizes the similarities of the illustrations to Goodnight Moon, but he also is starting to understand what the book means.  Whenever he sees a big animal with a little one he’ll say, “That is Mommy and that’s Tyler”, and this story is no exception.

Sometimes when he is upset, especially if he does not want to separate from me, such as when he goes to daycare, I will call him my Little Bunny.  “Mommy always comes for her Little Bunny, and her Little Bunny always comes home to her.”  It calms him.  I know my whole life I will do anything for my son and I hope that no matter how old he gets he will know that he can always come home to me.

As per our pediatrician, we have made an appointment to see the child psychologist.  As Tyler is only three, the psychologist meets with the parents and tries to teach them some techniques in dealing with the child’s stress.  It seems like Tyler’s anxieties morph into some strange actions.  Yesterday he kept sort of shrugging his shoulders.  At first we thought he had hurt his neck and then realized it was part of his problem.  He told us he wanted to stop doing it but he couldn’t.  It was really hard seeing him like that.

Grant and I feel at least a part of it is due to lack of sleep.  His symptoms seem to be stronger then.  He was home with us Friday plus the weekend and didn’t take any naps.  Sometimes at night it can be around 9:30 or 9:45 before he will fall asleep, plus he will wake up in the middle of the night and he won’t sleep in to make up for it.  He fights sleep.  He’s never been a sleeper, ever since he I felt the first flutterings of him while I was pregnant!  The appointment with the therapist is next week.  It will be interesting to see what she has to say.

Meanwhile, nothing is really moving forward with my health.  I am kind of in a holding pattern.  I had something really frustrating happen late last week.  I had received a bill from the lab where I get my blood work done.  It should have been sent to the insurance company so I filled it out and sent it back to the lab.  I went in to get my blood work done as ordered by my endocrinologist which is by now three weeks ago but I’ve been having scheduling issues, plus I had my period and the test could not be done then.  So when I went in, the woman at the lab says she cannot do my blood work because I owe the money!  Yes, even though she’s aware that this is their error, and that I have health insurance, she still cannot due it.  I have one of those insurance companies that have two names after a takeover or merger and she says, “Next time tell them to bill THIS one.  They billed the wrong one.”  I should have to tell them this?  How to do their job?  Anyway, so no blood work can be done on me until this is cleared up. I made a lot of calls and did a lot of paperwork in the medical world today and will try to get this resolved tomorrow.

My life is filled with doctor’s visits, paperwork and phone calls for me and now for Tyler. Being sick is a full-time job.

We took Tyler for his three-year-old check-up today.  While Grant and I had thought that Tyler was exhibiting  “tics”, our pediatrician says that since they manifest during signs of stress and are mostly voluntary, such as heavy breathing, it is more like anxiety.  He has suggested taking Tyler to see a psychologist.

Grant and I are experiencing all kinds of guilt.  Is this something he has inherited from us? Has he picked up on the stress we have over being sick and having financial difficulties?  Or has some of his own experiences just stressed him out?

I don’t feel like seeing a psychologist is some sort of taboo, I just hate to think that my child is in any way anxious or unhappy.  I feel like he is only three, so young for something like this!  And then I worry more about how we will pay for this.  We want to take him to someone who is good, someone whom our pediatrician recommends, not someone NJ Family Care will provide.  In other words, the best our no money can buy.

I hope for a quick appointment because in the meantime, I am unsure of how to punish him or push/encourage him to do something he doesn’t want to do, such as become fully potty trained, for fear of making his problem worse.

If anyone knows of other children who have this issue at such a young age, I would appreciate you letting me know.  Right now I feel pretty much alone.  Thanks.

For a few months now we have noticed Tyler doing a series of things that made us look at each separately, rather than seeing them as a whole.  From going to specialists and speaking on the phone to pediatricians and nurses, we now believe Tyler has Tics .

It started in late April, early May when Tyler developed a kind of hyper-blinking.  Alarmed, we took him to an opthamologist where his vision was pronounced better than most children his age and nothing was found.  We realized that Tyler was reacting to being bullied in daycare. This forced us to change daycares and the blinking stopped soon after that.

But since then we have noticed sniffling, throat clearing, heavy breathing and yawning.  A couple of times I have called the nurse panic-stricken only to be told if Tyler was having trouble breathing he would be “laying like a wet dish towel on the couch”, and he was very active.  In fact, we noticed these things took place when he wasn’t active, such as being in the car, watching t.v., and falling asleep.

Tics are three times more common in boys than girls and happen more often when a child is under stress.  They can last up to a year but do not necessarily mean a child is going to have Tourette’s Syndrome.  You are supposed to either totally ignore them or try relaxation activities with your child. We visit the pediatrician on Friday for Tyler’s three-year-old check-up, but Grant and I are almost certain that is what is taking place.

Today I was put in a weird position.  Tyler hit one child and kicked another today, two incident reports at daycare.  Punishing him tonight and even trying to talk to him only made his symptoms worse. How do I teach him right from wrong without stressing him out even further?

And of course, as much as I try to keep it away from him, life at home is no picnic, with two sick parents and money problems.  GUILT!

I guess we’ll see what the pediatrician has to say on Friday.  In the meantime I will check out if there are any yoga or meditation classes in the area…for three-year-olds?

Tyler’s party turned out great, even though I am still recovering!  We are still opening presents, one or two a day, otherwise it is too overwhelming!

We had the party at a place that sells swingsets, PlayNation.  Only about three stores in the country offer parties.  Here’s Tyler, the first to arrive:

He was having a great time without the guests, presents and food!  Here are most of the partygoers:

Mommy and Tyler:

And what’s a party without cupcakes, candy and a dirty face?

At the end of the day Mommy needed a nap, but not Tyler!  Happy 3rd birthday to my sweet son!

Tomorrow is Tyler’s birthday and his birthday party.  My soon to be three-year-old is still up as of this writing (10:20 p.m.).  It’s the first birthday that he actually gets what’s going to happen.  Well, he seems most excited about the cupcakes and the goodie bags.

Personally I am anxious to see how I will fare.  I will be on less sleep with no time to lie down. I want to be able to be with Tyler as he plays on the swingsets at this party place, watch him jump in the Moonbounce and see him swing at the pinata.  But I worry about all of that standing.  I worry about having a meltdown and I worry about how I will be after the party.

This time last year, I was worrying about the exact same thing, how I would be able to get through it. The pains have changed but it is still the same anxious feeling.  Last year I couldn’t put makeup on. This year I really want to try and look halfway decent.  I haven’t put makeup on for almost a year.  Did I forget how?

It’s not about me, of course, but I as a mom, I want to be able to see my child enjoy his party and enjoy it with him.  It’s not that easy when you are in pain and exhausted.  I think about his next birthday and wonder how I will be and pray that most of Tyler’s childhood and milestones are not viewed through the eyes and body of a sick mom.

I will post pictures as soon as I can.  I pray that I can feel as well as possible tomorrow, for my child’s sake.

…about September 11th and how it affected New Jersey on New Jersey Moms Blog today.  Take a look and see why for some it will always be personal.

On Saturday, September 12th you will be three-years-old, I can’t believe it!  You were born on a Tuesday so it is fitting that I write this to you today.  You are our miracle child, the child I didn’t think I would ever be well enough to have.  You will be our only child because of my illnesses.  I hope you don’t miss having siblings later on.  For your father and I, if we had to have only one child, you are the most perfect, beautiful child we could have ever asked for.

You are beginning to be aware that I am sick and have started to worry a bit.  I try to assure you that I will be your mommy forever and that I am not going anywhere, even though you do not understand the concept of death yet.  I have no plans to go anywhere.

Despite my illnesses, you still think I am the most beautiful, best singer, most perfect mommy in the world.  I try my darling, I really do.  I hope to live up to the person that you believe I am right now.

You love Dora the Explorer, Go, Diego, Go!, Curious George, Little People and Harold and the Purple Crayon.  You sleep at night with you arms wrapped around your dress-up Monkey and your purple crayon, which you are constantly losing or misplacing!  You love to sing and make up your own songs.  You are very creative and have a great imagination.  You love to love and love to laugh.

Our biggest challenges right now with you are potty training and putting you to sleep at night, and keeping you in bed.  I am in your room right now as I write this, I think you are finally sleeping, after an hour of me trying tonight.  You love it when I sing you to sleep.

You don’t know it right now, but I worry about you every day because of the financial difficulties my illnesses have put our family in.  There are so many things I want for you. Right now, a bigger room and a backyard, vacations, and later, college.  You have everything you could want or need right now, especially all of your daddy and I s’ love .  Please know that no matter what, you will always have that. Please know that we are your best friends and always will be.

I love how you still want me to rock you to sleep and you are so affectionate with me.  You are comfortable telling me everything.  We are so close.  In a few years you will make that break that boys do with their mothers, but I hope that you will not be so grown up to tell me that you love me, or that you can’t give me a kiss every once in a while!  I hope that you will trust me enough to keep telling me things.

You are three-years-old, but will always still be my baby, my sweet pea.  Happy birthday, my most treasured little boy.

I think the thing I wonder most about my mothering skills while faced with being chronically ill is: Where does normal frustration with my child end and where does my illness begin?

I stayed home seven months when Tyler was born.  I suffered from some of the usual issues; lack of sleep, on my part and Tyler’s, and postpartum anxiety.  But I never tired of playing, singing and just being with him.  I seemed to have an endless amount of patience with him. Grant would say I was the best mother in the world.  Strangers who would see us together would say, “You’re a really good mother.”

As he became more mobile, I loved taking him to the park, pushing him on the swings, even going down the slides and playing on the jungle gyms myself.  Motherhood was finally the completion of the life that I wanted.

Now I am sick, but Tyler is also about to turn three.  I’m having difficulty potty training him, he throws food on the floor, I have trouble getting him to go to bed and stay in bed, he doesn’t listen to me.  The pain and fatigue get to me and sometimes I feel as if even though it is just Saturday morning, I already need a break.

I think most people would say I am still a very patient mother.  I have never hit Tyler, nor come close and have never yelled at him.  But sometimes, I just want to go into my room, wrap myself up with heating pads and cry in pain and frustration.  It seems to be the worst when I wake up and at night.

And then comes the guilt, and the thought that I would have more patience if I was well.  And the wondering if I will ever get the chance to be a Well Mom again.

When you are a mom with chronic illness, I think it is only natural that you blame your child’s faults or delays on yourself.

For example:

My child would be potty-trained by now if I was a well mom.

My child wouldn’t always run into my bed if I was a well mom.

My child would have less temper tantrums if I was a well mom.

Logically, we know that a lot of healthy mothers have difficulties with their kids.  But you hear that your friend’s child potty-trained herself in a week and you think It’s my fault my child isn’t potty trained yet.

Some of it may be true, at least for me.  I don’t always have the stamina to keep putting Tyler back to bed all night long, or to INSIST that he uses the potty.  But yet on Twitter, message boards, from my friends, I hear the same problems and they are all well!

So we have to keep telling ourselves, our children will be potty trained, sleep in their own beds, not throw food on the floor, etc.  We have to get rid of the guilt and focus on the things that we can do well. We have to support each other and reach out to our well friends to tell us that, sick or not, we are not alone in the inadequacies we may sometimes feel as just plain…moms.