Mama Sick

It is Wednesday, December 19, 2012, five days after the Newtown, Connecticut shootings which left us with 27 children and adults dead at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I have wanted to get this post out since the day after the shootings, but due to circumstances beyond my control, and the fact that I have a little boy whom of course is home from school on the weekends that I enjoy being with, I have been unable to do so.

When I heard about the shootings on Friday, I like most Americans and the world was saddened, but unfortunately, not shocked or surprised as most of them were.  And because I have been delayed in writing this post I thought that I would be too late to be the first person to tell you this.  That surely by now, SOMEONE would have already written a post like this, but I am shocked that no one has.  That despite all of our “experts”, our psychiatrists, our profilers of killers; that NO ONE has figured out WHY this has happened.  And that chronically ill mom blogger, Emily Cullen, sitting here at my laptop with just a Bachelor’s degree and with some unfortunate life experiences, has a, what I believe, is a pretty good grasp on this sad situation.

Some of what I will tell you is from news sources that I will link you to.  Some of it is just because I. JUST. KNOW. IT.

Because I believe I know why 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot those children.  Everyone is asking “Why?” and “How could he have killed all of those innocent children?” and “What kind of a monster would do such a thing?”  I don’t have those questions because I believe I know exactly why and how and what, and I am going to tell you, given my “background”, what I think.

There are so many variables in this shooting.  There are a cast of characters if you will forgive me for being so dramatic.

Let’s start with Mr. Lanza himself, shall we?  What do we know about him so far?  We know that he may have suffered from a Personality Disorder.  Oh, he may have, huh?  Okay we know that there are many different Personality Disorders out there so let us pick one…um…let us pick for argument’s sake Borderline Personality Disorder, in which we read that “That there is strong evidence to support a link between distressing child experiences, particularly involving caregivers, and BPD.  The types of experiences…include…early separation from caregivers, emotional or physical neglect, emotional abuse, and parental insensitivity…that BPD is caused by an interaction between biological factors and an “emotionally invalidating” childhood environment (or an environment where the child’s needs are not being met).”

Hmm, that seems interesting to me, doesn’t it seem interesting to you?  So, there seems to be a link between BPD and one’s caregivers.

Well let’s take a look at Mr. Lanza’s caregivers, shall we?

We have Nancy Lanza, Adam Lanza’s own mother, whom Mr. Lanza had the audacity to shoot.  Can you even imagine shooting YOUR OWN mother?  No, I can’t imagine shooting MY mother either but let us take a look at Mrs. Lanza whom has been described as a “gun-hording survivalist who was stockpiling weapons in preparation for an economic collapse.”

Whoa.  That seems a little…”out there”…don’t you think?  Are any of you reading this currently stockpiling weapons in preparation for the economic collapse of America?  I know I’m not, I guess I can’t say the same about the rest of you, but to me I would say that sounds a bit…disturbing.

Indeed, Mrs. Lanza’s sister-in-law, Marsha Lanza, says that Mrs. Lanza “was part of the ‘prepper’ movement that fears an economic collapse will lead to a breakdown in society.

The WHAT MOVEMENT?  I have never before heard of the ‘prepper’ movement have you?  I guess I am just uneducated.  I GUESS you can never be TOO prepared.

“Nancy Lanza (52) had five registered firearms, had begun stockpiling food and taught Adam how to shoot. He is believed to have taken three of her guns — a Bushmaster .223-calibre, and two handguns, a Glock 10 mm and a Sig Sauer 9mm — in the school massacre after he shot her dead in bed.”

Wait now, Mr. Lanza, who MAY have some type of personality disorder took three of her guns, a what, huh, and a what’s that did you call those guns??

You’ll just have to excuse me because I am woefully uneducated and ignorant about all of the guns that America has to offer it’s citizens.  You can call me stupid if you want, but I have personally never heard of any of those guns, have you?

Poor, innocent, Mrs. Lanza, how horrific that someone’s own son would shoot them! I mean my God, Mrs. Lanza appeared to all as a devoted mother, so I don’t understand what might drive a young adult to shoot his own mother, do you?

It is SO hard to understand what can be possibly be going on inside the mind of your child, teenager and young adult, isn’t it?  You who are parents like me or who have children older than my six-year-old, you have probably wondered what was going on yourself with your children, what ever would possess them to do the things they do??  I don’t know either.

We MAY not know exactly what is going on inside out children’s heads.  We parents are not mind readers after all, are we?

But we can SEE what our children are doing and HOW they are acting and we MAY CHOOSE to act upon what our children are doing, right?

Wait now, what’s this?  Mr. Lanza’s babysitter, Ryan Kraft , has come forward with some information for all of us wondering why? why? why?

Mr. Kraft babysat for Mr. Lanza when he was about 14 or 15 years old and Mr. Lanza was about nine or ten.  And “he says he recalls Nancy Lanza cautioning him never to turn his back on Adam — ‘to keep an eye on him at all times … to never turn my back, or even to go to the bathroom or anything like that.’ Kraft says he remembers Lanza as quiet, very intelligent and introverted, noting, “Whenever we were doing something, whether it was building Legos, or playing video games, he was really focused on it. It was like he was in his own world.”

“Nancy Lanza, says Kraft, was very involved in her children’s lives and loved them very much.”

Oh, she was INVOLVED now was she, and she LOVED them now, didn’t she?

Well I just don’t know about that, and I can only speak for MYSELF as a parent as I put myself in Mrs. Lanza’s shoes.  Gee, I would feel a bit uncomfortable around my little nine-year-old boy if I felt the need to keep my eye on him at all times, and to never turn my back on my little boy so much to the point where I was so scared about my little boy that I was afraid to even go into the bathroom for fear of what my little nine-year-old might do.

That horrible nine-year-old Adam Lanza, oh the little boy is quite a MONSTER isn’t he?  Yes, yes, see, my little nine-year-old boy is so scary, oh I am so scared of my little boy!

Hold on, now, Mrs. Lanza.  I think your child is just nine-years-old, that he is just a little boy, isn’t he?

But you see, I am not surprised that Mrs. Lanza thought that her nine-year-old boy was scary because I unfortunately know people, be they mothers, fathers, or grandparents that call five-year-olds and six-year-olds MONSTERS.

Wait just a second, Emily.  There must be something wrong over in your neck of the woods or in your world, or you must be exaggerating because five-year-olds and six-year-olds cannot be MONSTERS or called the next SERIAL KILLERS.

And I will say to YOU, hold on, it is not ME who is saying that little boys who are five and six are our next serial killers, it is the people that I unfortunately by luck of the draw in my life, know.

Okay now, well, personally, I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but if I indeed did think my child was a monster or happened to be scared of my little nine-year-old boy, I just might be inclined to get him some help for him.  Would any of you who are reading this get help for your scary, monstrous little nine-year-old boy?  You can call me crazy, and yes, many people around me have, but I would ignore those people calling me crazy and I as a mother would do what I thought was best for my child and would not listen to anyone else, and I would choose to ignore the parts of my brain, the small voices in my head telling me Oh, you are overreacting, Emily, there is nothing wrong with your little angel.  You do not need to expose yourself or your family and get help for your child because your child is going to be just fine.  Because if you just keep on being the good mother you think you are, that you KNOW you are, you can just sweep these incidents under the rug and they will just go away, and your little boy will be just fine now, won’t he?

Yes, I as a logical, mentally healthy, educated mother would CHOOSE to ignore those voices outside and inside my head and I would get some HELP for MY CHILD, wouldn’t you???

And lastly, Mr. Lanza’s father, Peter, who divorced Mrs. Lanza in 2009, after nearly 30 years of marriage.  Well, not much can be said about Peter Lanza, he seemed to stick it out and try to make a go of it, didn’t he?  But obviously, one does not usually divorce one’s spouse if things in the marriage are going well and you like your spouse and you like your situation.  And one might say that Peter Lanza appears to have been the lucky one in that family, with his gun toting wife and his scary little boy, that he got to leave that life and that family and that household.

“The couple agreed to split up their jewelry, clothes and family photos.  Adam would live with his mother, the couple agreed and they agreed to talk about the important decisions.

If it turned out they couldn’t agree on something related to Adam’s upbringing, Nancy Lanza ‘shall make the final decision,’ according to the Sept. 24, 2009 settlement approved by Judge Stanley Novak.”

Excuse me, Peter, but did I just read that right?  Are you to tell me that you found it necessary, for whatever your personal reasons were, to divorce your wife of almost 30 years but that you thought it was okay to leave your sons in the care of your gun-toting, ‘the end of the world is coming!’,  ‘I refuse to put my child in therapy’ freak of a wife???

I’m sorry, Peter, but as someone in the know as to how these things can go down, I’ve got a REAL problem with you doing that to YOUR. OWN. CHILDREN.

And sadly, to wrap this story up, let us talk of the children that were killed last Friday, because, please DO NOT get me wrong because I am VERY sorry that little children had to die due to Mr. Lanza’s parents whom SHOULD have POSSIBLY taken care of their own poor little boy.

Why did Mr. Lanza shoot those children, is the big question on everyone’s mind?

Well, I have no evidence here, I cannot find any connection between Mrs. Lanza and the children of the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I have only unfortunate life experiences, those of myself and others to piece this one together.  But if I had to take a stab, perhaps Mrs. Lanza liked little children very much.  Meaning, perhaps she was a volunteer with children, or once a daycare teacher or a babysitter, or was maybe just a very nice woman that liked the children of the neighborhood.  That maybe was very nice to little Adam Lanza’s friends when he was growing up.

And I would think, that if I happened to be in an environment where I as a child felt that my needs were not being met by the parent who was supposed to love me, I MIGHT feel a little jealousy towards other little children.  Little children who are happy and whose parents love them unconditionally and respect them and take care of them.

Well let’s take me out of it.  Because I do not have any jealousies towards little children.  I have a six-year-old child and I love him, and respect his six-year-old self, and his six-year-old with special needs little self.

But could I see how a grown man, barely grown because he was after all just 20 and perhaps had a hurt inner child inside him…could I see how a grown man might possibly shoot his mother, innocent little children and then himself?

YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE I COULD.

Before you read this post, you may want to start at Part 1 and then go to Part 2.  The following post will be the last post in the series for 2012 because this should be a time of joy and peace.

This post was originally written in May of last year.  I am rolling out the cast of characters for you, post by post.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

2.) Not your mother’s daughter…how do you parent differently than your mother did? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

When I saw this prompt, an overwhelming sense of dread came over me.  I do not want to write it, I do not want to think about it, and I know I will cry as I write it. But yet it finally must be said.

I credit one of my best friends for saying, “Once you become a mother, your have the right to judge your own, and a lot of issues come up.”

Ain’t that the truth!

Growing up, my mother would say, “We should have named her Joy because that’s what she is to us.”  I was beautiful, talented, smart, and a good kid.  I graduated college with honors and went on to have an eight year career as an on-air radio personality.  I changed careers and became a recruiter for eight years.  I was good at everything I tried.  I became more beautiful. My mother was so proud of me.

And then, I got sick.  Starting from being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2003, fast forwarding to me now with Lupus and a dozen other things wrong with me, including Mental Illnesses.  Now I am the child who has not worked for over three years, the child who lives under the poverty line waiting for her disability, the child who, if she doesn’t have to go out, spends most of her time on her lap-top in bed. The child with a beautiful little boy of her own who has to stay in day care because she cannot take care of him full-time.

And now, the woman today is a far cry from the child who was her mother’s joy.  I KNOW it, I FEEL it, it just IS.

But she did her job, she parented me well, I am well over the age of 18.  She does not owe me anything, she does not have to take care of me, support me or help me.

Except that, now that I am a mother, I think she still should.  And I know that, God forbid, should anything of this nature happen to my child, I know I WOULD.

Because for me parenting does NOT end when one’s child is 18, and love is NOT based on what one’s child looks like, what they are capable of, or whether or not they can do fun things like go to a museum or travel or walk without a cane or a wheelchair around a pretty town.  It is unconditional and it is forever.

My son is four-and-a-half years old now.  He has Tourette’s Syndrome, OCD, Anxiety and maybe even more.  When I look at him all I see is how beautiful he is, inside and out, how talented he is and how smart he is.  I can’t go into the ocean with him, or the pool, and a dog cannot be near us, but he is still lots of fun. He coughs, his shoulders jerk, he has to walk a certain way around our home, he has to touch things, and he has to move back and forth while we walk, but he still makes me laugh and still fills my heart with joy.

Maybe my son will be one of the lucky ones.  Maybe he will grow out of his Tourette’s and eccentricities.  Or maybe he won’t.  It doesn’t matter, because he will always be my perfect son, and if he needs me I will be there for him, even if he is 50 and I am 86.  He will always be my child, the unborn baby that I fell in love with, the preschooler that I am still in love with.

One of my son’s fears is that when he becomes a “big boy” or a man, that he will have to leave our home.  He gets scared that if he learns to dress himself, that it is one step closer to us pushing him out the door.  One day he asked me if he ever smoked a cigarette, would I make him leave?

He asks if he can always live with my husband and I, over and over again.  And the answer is always, “Yes, honey, yes, you can live with us forever, you never have to leave us.”

Of course I know that one day he will leave me, and most likely will marry and become a father.  One day he might be yelling at me, and running out of my home with my car keys.

But do you have to leave me, baby?  No never.  And can you come back to us?  Yes always.

For I am your mother and you are my son.  My love for you will only grow stronger.  And I will take care of you always, and help you as much as I can.

Because parenting doesn’t end when you turn 18, my angel. Parenting is forever, until I die, and even after that, know that I will still be watching out for you.  Our parent/child bond will always be.  I am willing, for as long as you are, and for as long as you need me.

I will ALWAYS be your mother.

“Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What’s that suppose to mean?  In my heart it don’t mean a thing.”  ~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

2.) Ask your child to draw a portrait of you and share it with us. (Inspired by Scary Mommy)

When I asked Tyler if he would do a portrait of me he said very seriously, “Yes, but you will have to model.”  I agreed, at the same time wondering how my six-year-old had picked up such lingo.

I chose a green sweater with silver earrings, a silver necklace and even put some lip gloss on for the occasion.  Who am I kidding, I also put on some body lotion so that I would feel “beautiful” as I sat for my portrait.

When Tyler came home from school today he looked at me and said, “You look ugly!”

“Whaat?”

“You are not dressed up enough, put on your wedding dress!”

“Tyler, this is what I am wearing!”

“It is ugly!”

“Tyler, you were with me in the store when I tried it on and you said that you liked it!”

“Oh..oh, yeah.  Well, I guess it will be okay then.”

After a snack, a couple of episodes of Bullwinkle and some playing, Tyler was ready.  I reapplied my lip gloss.  I took my seat at the table with my arms folded and smiled.
“That’s good.  Hold that smile and you are going to have to hold it for several hours because this may take awhile.”

A few ripped up sheets of paper later and Tyler had his masterpiece:

Very…Picasso-esque, don’t you think?

I studied it a bit and said, “Tyler, are these my breasts?”

And he said, “Yes, I drew your breasts.”

Indeed.

I used to think the people who shopped on Black Friday were insane.  Camping out days before, fighting for the last toy, spraying pepper spray at their fellow shoppers…I couldn’t understand it and certainly would never be a part of this mind-boggling ritual.

Today I am shopping on Black Friday for the first time.  Not because I have become insane or because I wish to mace my fellow man, but because I have to.  My son needs new boots and sneakers and a BF sale is the only way I can afford to buy them.

The economy is still recovering, indeed, some may argue that it has never recovered.  I have become low income due to my health, some because they have lost their job, and some because they are underemployed.

We have to go out on BF.  Our children won’t understand why Santa did not give them their #1 toy.  Spouses want to give their significant others a special gift.  They have to get presents for their children’s teacher, bus driver, and whomever else is expecting a gift in their lives.

I understand the crazy desperation of the shoppers.  It is the same way at the Food Bank.  Those who get there two hours before it opens so they can be toward the front of the line.  Those who argue with people about who got out of line.  All of them desperate that the Food Bank will run out of food, even though if one is towards the front of the line it is obvious that they will get food.

The next time you watch video of shoppers winding around the building waiting for Walmart to open, or parents fighting over the last latest Elmo toy in the store, try to remember that they may not have a choice, that they may not be doing this for fun.

I am going out on Black Friday.

But I promise I will not be bringing pepper spray.

Photo courtesy of Patheos.com

“I’ve been having more difficulty than normal sleeping since Sandy came to town. My sincere hope is that even if you cannot read this, you are all in a warm, safe place with all of your loved ones and that you have not lost hope. Hopefully, very soon, power will be restored to those still waiting, and along with it heat. It will be years before we recover from this…to whatever extent we do recover from this. Be safe, be strong.”

I lived in New Jersey for 35 years up until this year.  New Jersey will always be home to me.

When I read the above quote on Facebook on November 5th from a man that I went to high school with, I started to cry.  As I write this post about 32,000 customers in New York and New Jersey remain without power.  Although only one of my family and friends that I know of had their home destroyed, I realized what the effect of going without power for even a few days had done to the people affected by Hurricane Sandy, especially during the cold months.  I read the Facebook posts of my friends and those on the organizations that have sprung up for Hurricane Sandy, “Our throats hurt from breathing in the cold air when we sleep”, “What will happen to all of the senior citizens at Covered Bridge?”

I realized I wanted, needed to help and decided to donate my blog space, to ask my readers to give whatever they can to help, if they have not already.

I have chosen two organizations and one personal appeal to spotlight.  Personally, I like donating to a specific, small organization, or specific people so that I know exactly where and to whom my money is going.  It seems to give me an even greater feeling that I am doing something good, you know what I mean?

Highlands, New Jersey, The Highlands Elementary School

Photo courtesy of Slate Magazine 

The principal of this school, William Ciullo, taught at my high school while I was there.

“…Our town was devastated by the hurricane, and we have, literally, hundreds of displaced families. Many of my students are homeless. However, a walk downtown will show you the indomitable spirit of a community that is finding strength in the love of one another as they work to re-build.

… I …am asking that you find the time and a charitable heart to send a donation to me to support my students and their families. Please donate what you can and make checks payable to: HIGHLANDS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, 360 NAVESINK AVENUE, HIGHLANDS, NEW JERSEY, 07732. Please direct it to my attention.”

The Food Bank of Monmouth and Ocean Counties

The holiday season is always a busy time of the year for food banks across the nation and now it comes on top of Hurricane Sandy.  The Food Bank of Monmouth and Ocean Counties normally serves 260 meal programs, mostly church pantries, providing more than seven million pounds of food to people in need each year.  “Now in addition to that, we have this huge need from people who have never had to stand in a line for food before”, said Marion Lynch, the Food Bank’s Media Coordinator.  Since the storm, the Food Bank has delivered food for more than 450,000 meals to food pantries, shelters, relief agencies and other emergency feeding programs.

The Food Bank is in need of monetary donations.  Food Banks use money to take advantage of bulk foods and other deals the general public does not have access to.  Monetary donations also help fund fueling it’s trucks, purchasing supplies and paying for necessary equipment such as generators.

Information on how you can help can be found here.

Help Us Rebuild Aunt Dee’s Life!

A Gerritsen Beach home courtesy brooklynnews.com

When Christine Miserandino, the Spoon Lady put out a call for action on her Facebook page to help her long-time family friend, “Aunt Dee” start over again, I had to act.

Aunt Dee lives in a section of Brooklyn designated a Zone B area, where the storm surge flooded and destroyed most homes. “When the hurricane hit, my family was  only able to save her wheelchair, her medicine and her cat, Mickey”, said her niece, Kaitlyn Hanley.  Other than that, Aunt Dee has lost her home and nearly everything else.

“Every penny will get us closer to getting Aunt Dee back on her feet again.”

To donate click here.

I think Kaitlyn said it best:  every penny helps.  I realize many of my readers are low-income due to being chronically ill, as am I.  I know it might be even harder around the holidays to find funds to donate.  But even if you give five dollars or even a dollar, it is one more dollar that they will have because of you.

I know that a lot of people will want to donate to The Spoon Lady’s family friend, but the other organizations need help just as much.  Perhaps if you are thinking of donating ten dollars, you many consider splitting up your donation to support two causes.

If you truly feel you cannot donate, then please do not feel badly about it.  You can still help by sharing my blog on your Facebook or Google+ pages or on Twitter.  You can use the Facebook and Twitter buttons at the bottom of this post if you like.

If you donate, please comment here and let me know.  Also, if you are able to, please tell these causes that Mama Sick sent you!  And please share this post with everyone you know.  I am not expecting thousands of dollars in donations from this blog post, but by working together, let’s see what we can do!

Thank you and be well!

Emily