Due to physical and mental illnesses, summer can be a tough and guilty time for me. I don’t always feel well enough to take Tyler out. We have missed so much.

This summer it is going to be even more difficult. Due to Grant’s father being very ill he can no longer take Tyler on a part-time basis so he is staying with me full time. Seven days a week to entertain him and give him a good summer.

Last week Tyler and I were talking about summer and he said, “Do you know what I wish for you?” “What?”, I asked him. “I wish you would go outside more.” Between depression, anxiety and agoraphobia, getting outside is often difficult for me. Sometimes two weeks can go by before I can make it out of the house.

That was a lovely wish that Tyler made for me. But what really touched me is that he said he wished it for ME. He didn’t care about his summer, he just wanted ME to go outside and enjoy my favorite season.

I can’t believe I have raised such a compassionate, selfless, loving son.

So, for ME, I am going to try harder to go out more often. And to of course I’ll take my son with me and we’ll create memories for the summer of 2018.

The post May is Mental Health Awareness Month… first appeared on Mama Sick.

There have been more incidents of bullying and a couple of times of Tyler expressing the wish to kill himself. One that sticks in mind is him telling me, “If everybody hates me, maybe I shouldn’t be here.” I said,”You mean live in Willoughby or change schools?” and Tyler said, “No I mean alive.”

His self esteem is in the gutter and when Grant and I tell him he is not those things he says we’re just saying that because we’re his parents.

In addition to the bullying, Tyler has been acting out at school, even going so far as to be suspended for two days. It was getting to be that it was almost daily that I would receive a call or a note home about his behavior. He has always had a little trouble being on task with his schoolwork but now the school was saying he was kicking things, not wanting to stay in his seat and being disrespectful to children and teachers. Two weeks ago I got a call from the principal saying I had to pick Tyler up because he was threatening to kill himself.

Tyler’s nurse practitioner for his psychiatric needs had suggested we put him on a drug for impulse control but we didn’t like the side effects and decided against it. Now with Tyler being so disruptive in school we feel he needs to be on it. We’re going to try it over the break, that’s a good time to get him started on it.

My depression has worsened too. I hurt so much for my son. Sometimes I take a couple of allergy medication tablets and I make myself sleep. I know it’s wrong but I need some peace. And it is exhausting trying not to show Tyler how hard this is effecting me. Emergencies with him have forced me to cancel two therapy appointments but I have one on Friday.

One of the worse things is that Grant got an email from his friend whose son is also friends with Tyler. The friend said that he was discontinuing his friendship with Grant because he believed him to be mentally unstable and that he did not believe that Tyler was being bullied. In addition he was going to call the school and discourage the friendship between the two boys. He said that Tyler was interfering with his son’s ability to make friends and preventing him from normal development. This kills me because Tyler and this boy are best friends and Tyler has only a few friends.

I’m trying to do the best I can for my son and can only hope that this break will be a fresh start for him in the new year.

The post More Trouble for Tyler first appeared on Mama Sick.

But the next day I received an email from someone who reminded me that one conversation, one honest way of speaking about mental illness and one connection can make a big difference.

“Hi Emily –

The post It Only Takes One first appeared on Mama Sick.

Which was a really bad idea because I really need to be there because I can’t get out of the house. I need therapy to get me out of the house but I can’t get there.

My therapist is terming me a “borderline agoraphobic”. Last week we made out a calendar of all the things that I would do this week, with maybe getting to stay home one day but no more than that in a row.

I’ve been at home for four days, mostly unshowered with the AC on and the blinds closed. Sunshine is good for people like me if I could only get outside.

Sometimes I enjoy staying inside. Like many agoraphobics it would be pretty easy for me to stay inside forever especially with having a partner to take my son places and the internet at my fingertips. I mostly read which is my favorite hobby. I usually go through a book in two to three days.

But most times I feel alone, depressed and a failure. Despite my best intentions, despite the plans I make, I start to get shaky, nauseated and feel frozen. Getting a shower gives me anxiety and so does picking out clothes. I don’t take any joy in doing my makeup or my hair.

I’ve gone longer than four days without going out. I think my record is nearly two weeks. I am missing out on seeing my son having fun in the pool and missing out on my favorite season.

Tomorrow my son has a haircut, tae kwon do practice and I’d like to get my white trash toe nails polished.

Those are my plans, I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. If you’ve never felt this way, please don’t tell me to get my ass in the shower and just do it for my son. It doesn’t work that way.

And if you’ve ever experienced this before you know exactly how I am feeling.

The post What if I Stayed in Here Forever? first appeared on Mama Sick.

1. Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous May and write a poem or a blog post.

From May to October is our town’s Saturday morning farm market. This photo was taken May, 2013.

As you can see, there’s fresh fruits and vegetables, Mennonites, baked goods, plants and arts and crafts, just to name a few. Oh coffee, can’t forget about coffee!

I haven’t been there for a long time because I’ve been depressed. I also get anxious at the thought of going outside.

That’s what anxiety and depression do, they can rob you of your life.

But this year, I may just make it. My therapist and I worked out schedule of sorts of two weeks. Most days I must go out and do something, but sometimes I get a day off and get to stay inside.

I also have this thing that I have to shower before I go out, but sometimes I lack the motivation. My therapist says I don’t have to shower every single day, it’s okay to sometimes not shower.

This would be a nice, romantic thing to do with Jacques on a Saturday morning.

I’m setting this as one of my goals to overcoming depression and anxiety and I will let you know if I make it!

The post TBT: Farmer’s Market first appeared on Mama Sick.

But by the time it was ready for me to get in the shower I started to feel sick to my stomach. I felt faint. I had anxiety about getting into the shower, getting dressed, getting Tyler ready and walking out the door. I knew if I could get to the park I would have a good time but I felt as if I were on the bottom of a mountain that was too steep to climb. My therapist always says I am never supposed to say “couldn’t” or “can’t” but on Sunday I couldn’t.

I knew I would have to let Tyler know that we weren’t going to the park. That thought provided some relief from my anxiety but also depression because I was once again failing my son.

“Tyler, could you come here? I’m sorry but I’m not doing so well so I won’t be able to take you to the park today.” A very quick look of disappointment showed on Tyler’s face, but just as quickly he said, “It’s okay, mom. I love you”, and he made kissing noises.

I know I often fail my son and unfortunately he is getting used to it. I am not getting used to it. I feel so frustrated by my lack of progress with my medications and in therapy and I wonder when I will come out of this.

I was reading and Tyler was on the tablet when I said, “Why don’t you teach me chess?” “Yeah!”, he said. I had never played the game but Tyler was a pretty good player and played with his dad. I was taking notes and Tyler was giving me little hints and showing me where I was going wrong. “You’re a good teacher”, I said.

I may have limitations but the love we both have for each other is strong and there are still things we can do together.

A mother’s and child love knows no boundaries.

The post The Mountain first appeared on Mama Sick.

When I met her this summer she said I was on too much medication (which I agree with) and she wanted to change some of my meds. So far the only things she’s done are to lower my anxiety med and increase my mood stabilizer. Not very many changes in the past six months and so it’s not very surprising that my depression and anxiety are the same.

When I saw her this past visit I brought Jacques in to help her understand that I have made no improvement and to give her some examples of this. We also mentioned that I was still having nausea even though I was now gluten-free because of the celiac disease so that was contributing to my mood.

She said she was at her limit with what she could do for me! “You want a magic pill, well there is no magic pill! Look, there are two ways you can go with this. You can go with ECT (that’s what they now call Electric Shock Therapy) or you can push through it and get better!” Meanwhile, sometimes I can’t get out of my house for two weeks and still feel sick to my stomach so what was she wanting me to push through and how was I to do it???

We were stunned at the mention of ECT. I don’t judge anyone for having it but I’d have to be suicidal to consider it, it is just not an option for me.

Then she said, “What about your son? Do you want his only memories of you to be you sick in bed?” She has never spoken to my son so she has no idea what our relationship is like. I have been very honest with Tyler. He knows that sometimes I can’t do things and we concentrate on the things I can do. More than once he has said I am the best mom in the world so I don’t think he is feeling deprived.

If I was in a worse frame of mine this certainly would have brought me lower and made me feel more hopeless.

At this point the head M.D. came in and Jacques said that the doctor had mentioned ECT for me. “ECT? No, you are not a candidate for ECT!” Then the Resident started backtracking and she said that we had misunderstood her!

The resident is graduating in April so I will never have to see her again, otherwise I would want another doctor.

I guess I will try my luck with the new resident and hope for someone who truly wants to work with me.

Photo credit: vox.com

The post So My Psychiatrist Went Off On Me first appeared on Mama Sick.

Dear Tyler,

I am three days late in writing this and for that I do apologize. It’s been a year since I have been sick with nausea and a low grade fever and the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with me. You have been absolutely great about it, letting Jacques take you to Tae Kwon Do, to school, swimming, etc. Even though it’s out of my hands I have enormous “Mom Guilt”, although I always make it for the big things in your life, no matter what.

Ten is such a big year! Double digits, a decade old! Where has the time gone? Every year, just like most mothers do, I look back on your birth day and remember what was happening at what time. It still seems like yesterday.

You had your school birthday party with cupcakes and candy and are looking forward to your birthday party with laser tag, pizza and cake. Your dad and I are hoping our money will stretch this month but we really wanted to give you a special party since this is such an important birthday.

You love watching videos on youtube. Your favorites are Five Nights at Freddy’s and Undertale. You love playing with the FINAF collectibles and you still love your Imaginext Batman playset.

This was also the year of “My Little Pony“, even though you are totally embarrassed about it! You and I watch it together and we collected some of the characters. Nobody but dad knows about your pony love and I like having something that only you and I do together. We also play this action figure game “Kracas” that you made up. We’ve been playing it for years and it’s just for you and me. I am amazed at your imagination and creativity!

You hate school. You do well in it but don’t have any friends in class this year. You have problems with people teasing you which makes my heart break. You punched a child last week and part of me was happy about it, even though you got punished in school. You are working on anger management, control and learning how to make friends in therapy.

This year you did develop two new really good friends. David, a boy in your grade, and Daphne, a neighbor in our complex. You pretty much play with Daphne every waking hour and it makes me happy to see that you are having fun with her.

After having some bad times with your OCD you are doing better and your anxiety is decreasing. But you do tell us that you have problems with your self-esteem and even though you look happy, you are sad most of the time. The therapist, your dad and I are trying to determine if you are depressed. I hate to see you hurting, Tyler, I wish I could transfer the pain to me.

Despite all of this, you are so courageous, compassionate and smart. You are the best thing that I have ever done with my life and I pray every night that God can give me the wisdom and health to be a better parent.

I hope your tenth year is a magical one for you, my amazing (not so) little boy!

Love,

Mom

The post For My Son on His 10th Birthday first appeared on Mama Sick.

The people in the group are really cool and we all have our love for pets in common. It’s a bring something party that’s supposed to go from noon to four. Jacques is making pasta salad for me to take.

The idea of meeting these people in real life is exciting to me. I’ve lived in Ohio for almost four years and do not have any friends. I haven’t made friends with the mothers of Tyler’s play dates or through his school or extracurricular activities. Having depression and anxiety doesn’t make it any easier. With my weight gain from my meds and my depression I don’t feel good about myself.

And then the anxiety of getting my act together kicks in too. I have to drive a bit of a distance to the park and I have to go alone.

And how will I feel the day of the party? Too physically sick or too afraid to go? Too depressed to get into the shower and get dressed? Will I even make it?

Still, the idea of meeting a whole bunch of people that know next to nothing about me is appealing, and I never have to see them again if I don’t want to. Plus I’ve got an “out” because I’m leaving Tyler with Jacques and I don’t want him to spend hours playing video games. I know if I can actually get there and start talking to people I will be okay. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve socialized with anyone, I wonder if I can do it “right”.

How do you deal with social anxiety? Do you go for it or just hide under the covers?

The post Big Day Out? first appeared on Mama Sick.

Prompt #1 Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous April and write a poem or a blog post.

Okay I’m taking some liberties with this prompt in that this post appeared March 31st of 2014 and there was no picture. But I was glad to read it and it made me happy that I’ve had my own blog since May of 2009 because I might not have remembered this.

The title of the blog was “Stupid” and it went into some detail as to the effects depression was having on me. Two years ago I was unable to read a book or a newspaper because my concentration was so poor, or I was unable to watch the news. I mostly just sat around watching “Golden Girls”, “Sex and the City” and game shows. I would do it for hours.

I wondered if I would be “stupid” for life.

Two years later my concentration has greatly improved to the point that I can read a book every three to four days and read USA Today every day online. I hardly watch any television, though I do admit to watching Netflix but I would say no more than the average person!

I also wrote about how difficult it was to find topics to blog on, I felt so uninspired. Two years ago I am still struggling with that.

But as I look back I realize how far I’ve come. I am still having trouble cleaning the house and managing my mail and getting going in general but I am a lot better than I was!

I search on Twitter every day for #depression and I read how really bad it is for some people and how horrendous it was for me, enough for me to attempt suicide four years ago. I also haven’t needed to be hospitalized due to depression since early 2013.

I am grateful for all that, believe me, but at the same time I can’t help wanting the sadness and despair to go away and I feel like it will always be with me. Is it too much to wish to be happy and have some energy?

One step I have taken is to switch psychiatrists. I feel like nothing is changing any more with my current one and maybe I can do better to the point where I consider myself a balanced person, neither depressed nor manic. I see my new psychiatrist in July. A long time from now but that’s how things go with the Cleveland Clinic.

Meanwhile, I do have a bit of a smile on my face. I was able to participate in the Writer’s Workshop, making me feel somewhat of a “normal” person!

The post Throwback Thursday! first appeared on Mama Sick.