What if I Stayed in Here Forever?

My son and boyfriend are at the pool and I have yet to get there this season. Instead, I am in my bathrobe, showered (you gotta give me credit for that) and have woken up from my second nap. My back was hurting so I cancelled my therapy appointment.

Which was a really bad idea because I really need to be there because I can’t get out of the house. I need therapy to get me out of the house but I can’t get there.

My therapist is terming me a “borderline agoraphobic”. Last week we made out a calendar of all the things that I would do this week, with maybe getting to stay home one day but no more than that in a row.

I’ve been at home for four days, mostly unshowered with the AC on and the blinds closed. Sunshine is good for people like me if I could only get outside.

Sometimes I enjoy staying inside. Like many agoraphobics it would be pretty easy for me to stay inside forever especially with having a partner to take my son places and the internet at my fingertips. I mostly read which is my favorite hobby. I usually go through a book in two to three days.

But most times I feel alone, depressed and a failure. Despite my best intentions, despite the plans I make, I start to get shaky, nauseated and feel frozen. Getting a shower gives me anxiety and so does picking out clothes. I don’t take any joy in doing my makeup or my hair.

I’ve gone longer than four days without going out. I think my record is nearly two weeks. I am missing out on seeing my son having fun in the pool and missing out on my favorite season.

Tomorrow my son has a haircut, tae kwon do practice and I’d like to get my white trash toe nails polished.

Those are my plans, I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. If you’ve never felt this way, please don’t tell me to get my ass in the shower and just do it for my son. It doesn’t work that way.

And if you’ve ever experienced this before you know exactly how I am feeling.

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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2 Responses to What if I Stayed in Here Forever?

  1. Angie says:

    I completely understand, unfortunately. I’m on a massive amount of Vitamin D because I hardly step out of the house. Once a week I help my friend babysit her two grandsons, but I cancel if my pain is too bad. Other than that I only go out for doctor appointments. I would never have thought I could go through a day without taking a shower first thing, but now it’s such a painful ordeal that I may go three days without showering. You are NOT alone, honey!!!
    Angie´s last blog post ..Seven College Memories

    • mamasick says:

      I hate that you are suffering with this too, Angie, but it IS nice to know that someone I know feels the same way. Hope it gets better for you!

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