Mama Sick

In September I had one of the dumbest conversations with a state worker ever.  I wanted to blog about it but things and other topics came up.  When you are on Food Stamps (FS) you have to complete an Interim Report after six months into the program.  When I looked at the application, there were some glaring contradictions and things that just didn’t make sense.

I called up the Head of the FS caseworkers.  I didn’t want to do anything wrong that would jeopardize my case.

“Excuse me”, I said, but when is this application due?  It says in ten days but ten days from what?  The date of the notification, the date you got it?”

“You should try to get your report in as soon as possible because we don’t have a lot of people looking at the cases.”  (Um, why is that my problem, and why doesn’t it say so?)

“Well then, there is a mistake in this paperwork, because in another place on the forms it says I should get it in on October 15th”. (Which was more than a month after saying earlier in the report that it was due in ten days.)

The woman started to get angry at me.  Did she write the form?  Proof-read it?  “Just get it done as soon as possible”.

“Okay well the other thing I am confused about is that the form says it wants our income from the month of September, but we are not even half way through September, so how could I know my income for this month?”

“Just do it for the month of August!”, she snapped.  How would I know this if I had never called???

So although my due date was on a Sunday, I went to Social Services and got it date stamped and put it into the Inter-office mail so they couldn’t say they got it too late.

October was the first month that we had ever run out of FS before our account gets filled on November 4th.  I kept going shopping every couple of days, and buying what was only necessary.  So right on November 4th I go shopping and ring up $128.00 of groceries.  I swipe my FS card.  “Your card is saying you have insufficient funds”, the cashier told me.  We tried it again, same thing.  The cashier was very nice.  “If you want we can put the food back for you and you can call and find out what the problem is and then come back for the food”.  So exhausted, I couldn’t picture shopping all over again so I put it on my credit card.  $128.00! This is a lot for someone who is slowly (quickly) maxing out her credit cards.

I went home mad and crying.  I call the number on the back of the card and she asks me to verify my birthday.  The birthday they had for me is WRONG so the woman said she couldn’t help me but gave me another number.  So I called someone else and this woman told me I have been turned down after filling out the six month report!  I was shocked, because if anything, we were in worse shape than six months ago!

By this time I was hysterical so Grant called the above mentioned FS worker caseworker head and she said that they were still looking at my interim report and there should be no problem.  But do they suspend your food stamps while they are reviewing your report?  If I had known this I never would have shopped for a weeks of groceries!

I couldn’t stop crying.  Not just for me, but what if someone who didn’t have any credit cards was turned down at the cash register.  How would she have fed her family?

So on Monday I am going to call back and ask if this is the normal protocol. I tried her all day Friday but all I got is voicemail and I wanted her live.  Do they suspend people’s food stamps during the investigation?  If so shouldn’t they tell you?

This really pushed my buttons and threw me into a deep depression.  We count on these food stamps. We do not have any extra money for food.  That is why we are on FS in the first place.

I guess hopefully by Monday I will have my sweet, calm professional voice back and find out just what the Hell is going on.  I am so tired of being treated like an idiot just because I am poor.  I did not lose my intelligence and right to ask questions just because I lost my money.

If you had made a career out of whatever you were passionate about when you ten…what would you be doing?

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

What, you mean you don’t know the famous singer, Emily?  When people always asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up (you know, how cute it sounds coming from a four-year-old?) I used to always say I wanted to be a singer.  At ten I still wanted to be a singer and then at around 12 I wanted to be a singer and an actress.

These were the years when it was every little girl’s dream to be in the musical Annie on Broadway. You may know a certain actress, Sara Jessica Parker, who liked her sex in the city? She was the most famous “Annie” to come out of the Broadway musical.  You couldn’t call yourself a singer if you didn’t know every word to every song in that musical.  I grew up singing “Tomorrow”, “It’s a Hard Knock Life” and “Maybe”.

Every so often they would hold open casting calls for potential Annies and her orphan friends in New York City.  I lived in New Jersey and I begged, begged my parents to let me audition. But my parents didn’t think it was proper for little girls to be in show business.

And so, whenever I would do a talent show or a recital I had to accept my standing ovations in New Jersey…to people who told me I should try out for Annie.  I used to sing at my cousins’ weddings, traveled with my record player/microphone to sing for my extended family, and sing wherever there was a piano and someone willing to play.  You might say my life was a musical, you know, how people just suddenly burst into song?

I started taking voice lessons when I was about 11 as well as acting lessons.  Even though my parents weren’t going to let me try out for Annie, these are the things I wanted to do and kept doing them.  I sung in two choirs in high school and acted in high school as well.  Yes, I was a choir and drama geek!

I even went to a Performing Arts High School in my senior year and it was there I realized…I didn’t want to become a (starving) actress.  There were just too many talented people and only a lucky few made it.  I didn’t want to do the “I’m an actress (but I’m really a waitress “) bit for the next ten years of my life.  I knew I didn’t want to major in Acting or Singing in college.

That didn’t stop me from doing those things, though.  My choir in college went to Rome, and sang at Carnegie Hall, and I did sixteen plays in my four years there.  My first career after college was being an on-air personality and I prided myself that I was able to (barely) support myself using my talent.

To this day I still do voice-over work.  I’m one of those annoying recorded people on the phone you hear when you are trying desperately to get a live person.

And these days you will find me still singing, except now it’s just for my son.  And at four years of age, I now have a singing buddy and a child who enjoys acting out scenes from The Backyardigans, the Spider-Man movies and playing Snoopy, the World War I flying ace.

But every so often, a part of me still thinks…if only they had let me audition for Annie!

Last week I wrote a post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, entitled The Sunshine of My Life. How whatever life threw at me, Tyler was the one who kept me going, the one that was worth living with all of this physical and mental pain, just to have to the privilege of raising this incredible person.

A couple of nights ago we had Chinese take-out.  Tyler loves the whole fortune cookie bit.  I give him first choice, let others pick and I take the remaining one.  I can’t remember what anyone else’s fortune was, but I will never forget my own:

“Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.”

It made me realize that I usually feel more unhappy than happy.  I mourn what chronic illness has taken from me and I have never made peace with it.  I have so much anger, so many questions such as “Why did this happen to ME?”, and so much worry.

But why do I keep doing that, what am I searching for when my little boy is just next to me? Is there any happiness greater than having this gift that is my son?

I’m not usually one to give much creedence to fortune cookies, but my mother loves to tell the story of when she was eating in a Chinese restaurant with a friend in early 1969.  Her fortune was:

“Every baby born is finer than the last.”

My mother joyfully exclaimed to her girlfriend, “I’m pregnant!”  Her friend said something along the lines of “You think your pregnant because of a fortune cookie?”

I was that baby.

I was honored to be asked to be a part of the Blogging Out Hunger campaign here in New Jersey this year, especially because, unfortunately, this comes a little too close to home.  This year we qualified for the Food Stamp program, which is a mixed blessing because it means we are living under the poverty line for NJ.

But what about those families who make about $5 over the poverty line?  There are no food stamps for them and they are certainly no “richer” than my family.  What are they supposed to do?

Another way to think about it is that according to Check Out Hunger NJ, 1.6 MILLION people in NJ qualify for food assistance of some kind.  Over 500,00 of them are CHILDREN.  What about that 500,001 child.  Is he any less hungry than my child?

These Adults and Children really depend on your help and there are many ways you can make a difference:

1.  Right in your own grocery store:  You will find a display of Check-Out Hunger donation slips at the checkout aisles.

2.  In your own home:  You can donate through the Check-Out Hunger in New Jersey website at Check-Out Hunger NJ.

As we come to the holiday season, it is natural for us to be charitable, but people need food all year long.

If you put my browned-hair, brown-eyed son next to another browned-hair, brown-eyed boy, would you notice the difference?  The difference is that my son receives Food Stamps and the other boy’s family doesn’t qualify.

Please consider donating.  Thank you.

This year I was able to walk with Grant and Tyler from house to house.  Last year I had to drive around following them because I could barely walk.  Of course now I am paying for it, but at least I was able to be there with them which meant the world to me.  Tyler said at every door,”Knock, knock who’s there?” and then “Thank you, Happy Halloween!”

Who is that masked man and what has he done with our son???

We trick-or-treated a little more than last year, but it started to get cold and windy so even Tyler wanted to go home.

Tyler's Booty!

Tyler’s Black Spider-Man costume was a hit with trick-or-treaters and treat-givers a like.  We didn’t see anyone with his costume on.

Even Super Heroes need a break.

After a quick break, it was back to web crawling! Crime doesn't rest on Halloween!

Criminals Take Notice! Black-Spiderman has Spidey-Sense, you know!

I hope you all had great Halloweens!

This morning Grant told Tyler to say happy birthday to me and he said, “I don’t want you to have a birthday, I want another one!”  Couldn’t agree more with that statement.

We went to Tyler’s school for Halloween festivities.  I never minded having a birthday so close to Halloween.  I always used to have costume parties for my birthdays and someone would always put on “Monster Mash”.

That masked man is my son. He wanted to be the bad Spider-Man!

And here I thought he was going to be the only one!

After that, the three of us plus my best friend Francesca went to Five Guys Burgers and Fries and then Sonic for dessert.  Then we went home for gift time.  With our financial issues, I didn’t want presents at all but Grant gets really into it.  He loves to give gifts.

So the cats gave me a Lowel Herrero cat calendar for 2011 (they’ve got really good taste).  Tyler gave me a Word Girl DVD, which is the funniest, most educational show on PBS.  And he gave me a wonderful card to always treasure.

The author of this poem is unknown:

Sometimes you get discouraged because I am so small,

And leave my little fingerprints on furniture and walls.

But everyday I’m growing and soon will be so tall,

That all these little fingerprints will be difficult to recall.

So here’s a little handprint that you can put away,

So you will know how my fingers looked on this special day.

Francesca gave me a butterfly anklet that she made herself.  I swear the woman is good at everything!

And Grant gave me a gift certificate to Old Navy, he spent way too much, but he knows that I miss buying clothes now that we don’t have much money.

Thanks for all the tweets and facebook birthday wishes from all of you too!

And then, at 8:30, this birthday girl went to bed!

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadow” – Helen Keller

In what ways are you able to stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down?

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

With my husband and I both suffering from chronic illness and everything that goes with it; no income, debt and  living under the poverty line, it is hard to see the sunshine through the shadow.  The only thing that has represented joy and goodness these past years is our four-year-old son, Tyler.  He is the one thing, the one gift, that I know God has given to me.

I can’t imagine my husband and I being ill without Tyler.  What would be the reason for us to keep going?  Now we have a little boy depending on us.  His parents get sick and ambulances come, he watches us take medicine all day, he sees Mommy on a scooter or get pushed around in a wheelchair. At this point in his life he is used to it and we are Mommy and Daddy, his parents, just like every little boys’ and girls’ mommies and daddied in his Pre-K class.

If I didn’t have Tyler, what would be my dreams for my life?  What would be my motivation? My dreams are centered around him.  I dream to give him a house, to rent or own, with a backyard and a swing set. I dream of one day taking him to Disney World, and seeing him go to college, even though I probably won’t be able to help him with that financially, like I wanted to.

The world is full of possibilities for Tyler, and I know that even though I probably won’t be able to travel to Europe or Egypt, drive cross country or walk in a Rain Forest, that Tyler will have all of those opportunities.  I dream of the life that lays ahead for him.

I have pain every morning, but I know I must help Tyler get ready for school, or that however exhausted I am in the evening, I have to make him dinner or give him a bath.  Seeing him walk through the door after school, I have to get up and do the mommy thing.

I suffer from depression and other mental illnesses, and some days it is so hard to get going, but I know Tyler, with his laughter and exuburance is waiting for me.

Every mother says the same thing about their son or daughter, but Tyler has a heart of gold, is sensitive and compassionate and very smart.  People tell me he is not just a special child, he is a special person. His teachers tell me his brain goes places that the the other children his age don’t go to.

Whenever things are really bad, when I am in pain or depressed I have this mantra:  “Do it for Tyler, Do it for Tyler” .  I have a bracelet and necklace with his name on them and a locket with his picture in it.  He is always with me.

He is my inspiration and my hope which is a lot to lay on a four-year-old.  But just like any other Mom thinks, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and, sick or not, I hope that I can instill in him the qualities of a hard-working, caring, respectful young man.

I realized I haven’t been writing too much about what’s be going on with me.  I was diagnosed in September with probable Bi-polar Disorder leaning towards Mania. The Mania was keeping me up late every night and getting me up early.  It was like the Mania would take my tired body along for the ride, it was completely controlling me and I didn’t like how I felt.  I knew it wasn’t right.  I couldn’t stop thinking, ever, and no sleep medicines were working.  I talked a mile a minute too. And I would eat late at night, not because I was hungry, but because my mind wanted me to stay up longer and who could fall asleep while they were eating Ben & Jerry’s, right?

When I saw my psychiatrist he put me on Abilify.  I didn’t start it until after we came home from Cleveland to visit my in-laws.  I’m always afraid when I start a new drug how it’s going to make me feel, so I didn’t want to try it until after we came home.

So I started taking it and it seemed like there was no effect at all.  Two weeks into it or so, I began having muscle spasms in my in two fingers in my left hand. My upper legs felt very week, I couldn’t walk very well at all, and to top it off I was having a Costochondritis flare-up!  I couldn’t ever get comfortable in bed, standing, walking, breathing, anywhere. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and slip into a better body.  The day before I had my next psychiatric appointment, more of my body was starting to spasm.  I was starting to think the worse, you just can’t help it:  MS or that the Lupus was attacking my Central Nervous System.

I finally looked up the side effects of Abilify and find:  “Stop using Abilify and call your doctor at once if you are experiencing any of these serious side effects:  jerky muscle movements you cannot control and sudden numbness or weakness.”  Why didn’t I think of looking up the side effects before?

The next day I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I was spasming so much, even my teeth were chattering and I was not cold.  I felt like I looked like a heroin attack waiting for her next fix.  He took me off the Abilify and put me on Cogentin which is a drug given with other drugs to help with their side effects.  I hate taking one drug to help me take another! Cogentin helps with muscle spasms and is often given to people with Parkinson’s Disease.

I went off the Abilify and started taking the Cogentin.  It helped the spasms a lot but almost immediately I was experiencing a lot of confusion and memory problems.  It felt like I had become an Alzheimer’s patient over night.  My memory was shot.  Every time I left the room to get something I wouldn’t remember why I had gone there.  I kept losing my train of thought, even while tweeting, and I couldn’t find the right words any more.  This wasn’t just once or twice a day, it was every time, all day long.  And my vision was blurred  like I could no longer see small print without taking off my glasses, and even then it was hard. One day I put on two pairs of underwear.  I was even getting colors mixed up!  The worst was when I went to go into my bathroom and I opened up the linen closet instead!  (You can laugh now, it’s okay)

Sure enough these are the side effects of Cogentin.  I called my doctor and he dropped me down from 3  .5 mg a day to a half at bedtime and a half at night.  His schedule is so crazy the earliest so far he can see me is November 5th!  Even drastically dropping down wasn’t doing the trick for me.  Wednesday afternoon I was napping and I swear to God I thought it was morning.  I was dozing and kept thinking what am I going to make for my son’s lunch this morning, what will the weather be like? I didn’t remember putting my son to bed.  My alarm woke me up at 5:30 p.m. but I was so sure it was the middle of the night I thought I had screwed up my clock.  At around ten to six’o’clock Tyler and Grant came walking in the door from school.  I realized then that it was early evening and I felt so upset and disoriented.  Grant had left early to pick up Tyler and suddenly I am realizing that I have to make DINNER and try not to freak out in front of my child.  I felt so weird the whole night, like I was in some sort of alternative universe.  I went to bed at 9:30, wanting to feel normal again.

My doctor wants me to drop down the Cogentin even further to a half a day and a Benadryll at night. What sucks about this is now I have to start all over again with a new bi-polar drug.  What fun side effects will I have then?

You know how when you dress your babies up in Yankee clothing or Dallas Cowboy clothing  it is the first step in making sure your child will grow up to like “your team”?

I’m not sure when Tyler got his first Pez, but he didn’t need any more reinforcement than that.  He was hooked!  Now he has over a hundred Pez dispensers!

Here are just some from his “collection”.  His word, not mine!

It’s quite amusing for me to see him in his room, sitting in his glider and just simply admiring them. And at about $2.00 a Pez with candy included, it’s not a bad hobby to get into, although some rare ones can run up into the thousands of dollars!

The man that started him on Pez is his Grandpa.  Collecting for about 20 years, he has a few THOUSAND or so, and always jokes that they are worth more than his 401K!  His “pezzatorium” fascinated Tyler and whenever you couldn’t find him in their house when we visited last month, he was usually in there, his face a picture of pure wonder and bliss!

Grant collects Pez too, only he just focuses on the clown named Peter Pez.  Grant’s father was best man for our wedding and for a best man gift Grant bought him a Green Hornet Pez for over two hundred dollars!

Would you ever think a little thing like this would cost this much?!

Three Generations of "Pez Heads"!

At age four, who knows if Tyler will lose or gain interest in collecting Pez, but for right now I am just enjoying Tyler being so into his hobby!

Kidfresh frozen meals was started by a dad with two young children when he looked for convenient, healthy meals for kids and discovered there wasn’t much out there.  Most quick meals for kids are loaded with fat, sugar, sodium and artificial ingredients.  So Matt Cohen, along with a top chef and a pediatric nutritionist put together a line of frozen meals that are 100%natural, full of hidden veggies and yummy kid favorite recipes!  The containers that Kidfresh comes in are BPA-free and phthalate-free containers and are recyclable as well!

This week Kidfresh is getting into the spirit of things with their Kidfresh Halloween Costume Contest! Just post a photo of your child in their costume by 11:59 p.m. EST on Friday, November 5th and you could win a Flip MinoHD Video Camera! See their Facebook page for full rules.

So that is Kidfresh’s contest and here is mine.  I am giving away four coupons good for free Kidfresh meals!  This is a great chance to have your children see for themselves how yummy the meals are, plus give mom and/or dad a break from cooking and know that your child is still eating healthy!

In order to to enter, go to Kidfresh’s product website and let me know which meal you think your child or children would like the best.  Plus tweet out this contest and let me know in a SEPARATE entry.  You will then have two entries.  To avoid confusion, this contest will also run as long as Kidfresh’s Costume Contest, until Friday, Novermber 5th at 11:59 p.m.

Kidfresh is not yet available in every area yet, so please go to their website, enter your zip code and see if your supermarkets carry them.  Please do not enter if you cannot get Kidfresh where you live.

Good luck in these two contests in one, from Kidfresh and Mama Sick!