Poor Tyler. He has been home all week for Winter break and what a week it’s been for me healthwise. He has been great through it all I have to say.
As I have told you, I have been going through a rough time mentally. At the root of my mental issues, especially for this week, is the fear that I will not be well enough to get out and do things with Tyler. Christmas Day was a happy one for Tyler, but as per usual I did not feel good enough to play with him and his new toys. I went back to bed after presents and a few pictures, wondering why my body would not cooperate with my brain, why it just can’t for once let me do what I want to do, even though it really has before, mornings are just really hard for me. And everyone has this picture in their mind of what the perfect Christmas morning and day is supposed to be like.
We were supposed to go to my aunt’s house at around 3:30 and I was worried about making it through the evening, so I laid down around noon but I was so anxious I could not sleep. ”I can’t do this!,” I thought to myself and cancelled with my aunt.
And it went downhill from there. A feeling like I could not not do anything. I had to call my therapist who said I should treat these feelings as if I had the flu, to rest, hang out in my jammies and to lower my expectations. To give myself a break.
In the meantime I developed an either wicked bladder infection or urinary tract infection. I was going to the bathroom every few minutes, especially when I tried to lie down. I called the Primary Physician on call for this holiday week and his office was good enough to call in antibiotics for me. I had waited so long, the pain was so bad, were in not for the narcotics I take for my regular health issues I would have had to go to the hospital.
Then extreme nausea and insomnia developed. How much can I take?, I thought. I wanted to die but in the way back of my mind knowing that I really didn’t because of Tyler and Grant. Then I realized…I had about a week ago, on my doctor’s orders, doubled one of my medicines for anxiety and depression and these were the side effects! I was happy to know that there was at least a reason for some of the things I was experiencing .
These last couple of days I was finally able to get some sleep and I took Tyler to one of those indoor jumping places yesterday. I was so happy that I could break through the mental and physical pain and have somewhat of a normal day with him. Tomorrow I want to take him to the mall, assuming it’s open; I need to get him boots or at least have him measured for them. Yes, like most chronically ill moms I am late as usual.
Tonight, Grant, Tyler and I plan to stay up, or at least wake up and watch the Times Square Ball drop and enter into the new year together as a family. And maybe this is just what we need. The other day Tyler said, “Mommy, I have parents and a home. That’s all I really need.”
And when you think about it, that’s all any of us really needs isn’t it?
Wishing you better health, or continued good health, peace, and a better 2012 to all.