Struggling

There has been nothing more upsetting than losing the ability to be able to blog because of my depression. The ideas that used to inspire me to put up three to four posts per week are gone. It is too difficult to get my thoughts together to write something cohesive. It is hard to write this post and I am already so disappointed in it. Will I have the words to make it long enough to mean something?

I look back at my past posts. I used to write well and inspire people. I was a good writer.

Writing and making a difference was a great accomplishment for me. My blog gave me purpose.

I am doing better. I realize that I have let a lot of things slip by and I am trying to dig out from under. Balancing my checkbook, filing for bankruptcy and divorce, down to small things like some returning I need to do. I realize that I am unhappy with how my house looks. There is so much that needs to be done when you slowly come out of depression that it is overwhelming and I often want to hide under the covers again, and sometimes I do. Then there is the frustration that I have failed to do what I needed to get my life back in order.

I can’t help feeling like I am on the fringe of society. That I am looking in on what the “normal people” are doing and I wonder if I will ever be one of them again.

Will I ever “get right”? Right now Tyler says I am the best mom in the world. Will he one day resent my mental illness and be ashamed of me? Will he blame me if he has inherited my mental conditions?

I’m not proud of this post, but at least I got it out.

What has been your most difficult struggle lately?

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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6 Responses to Struggling

  1. Caroline says:

    This post is encouraging and inspiring. I totally understand.
    Caroline´s last blog post ..Live, Create, Love

  2. mamasick says:

    Are you having the same trouble with your blog? I am so glad I was able to inspire you through my difficulties.

  3. Ron Graves says:

    My most recent struggle has been exactly the same as yours – it just took me longer to recognise the depression for what it is.

    It’s complicated by extreme pain and terminal illness**, so my usual response is “Well, of course I’m depressed!” while failing to recognise that this is what’s keeping me from writing.

    **Among the nine conditions I count as serious, two will kill me, and one might.

    I used to write on autopilot – I’d sit down with the ghost of an idea, and just let the words come. Now – and I suspect you can identify with this – every word has to be fought for, and my spelling has gone to hell, too.

    But – and it’s a big but – it will come back. Nothing is forever, even though it might feel like it. Last night I stayed up late wrestling the words onto the screen, getting the things that bothered me most out of my head and into the light. It worked too – I feel much better today and things are no longer going round and round in my head like a demented hamster in a wheel.

    I won’t claim it was a happy experience, far from it, but for me it was essential to break the depressive cycle. I’m prone to brief bouts of depression, that roll in like a tsunami and drag me under, but they usually abate after a few desolate hours. Sometimes, though – like now – its hold is much more tenacious and it can last for weeks, or months, needing action has to be taken to break its grip. I can’t take antidepressants (I already take 63 tablets and capsules a day [that's just drugs - supplements add another 18], so just fitting them in is problematic), as tri-cyclics, while effective, also shut down my brain and as that’s pretty much all that still works more or less reliably, it’s not acceptable, while SSRIs cause me to cough so uncontrollably my lungs haemorrhage .

    I found, though – mainly from memories of caring for my ex wife**, who was severely mentally ill – that externalising the problems causing my depression, when it wouldn’t go away, could be beneficial.

    **She left me when I became ill – I say that in self-defence because too many people, seeing mental illness, assume that I dumped her.

    OK, sometimes it works better than others, and this time seems to be one of the better ones, but if you can stand it – it can be hard, dragging out your problems into the full glare of the sun – it can be very beneficial in gaining some perspective on what it is that’s wrecking your life, and helping you deal with it.

    And trust me – your writing will come back. Mine is, slowly but surely – just don’t give up on it. Keep on writing, no matter how much of a struggle it is, and publish as much as you can (my readers, many of them now friends, have been extremely supportive). I’m sure yours will be too.

    One last tip – trolls seize upon anyone they see as vulnerable – DO NOT engage with them. Block them and move on.
    Ron Graves´s last blog post ..Man loses benefits because he had heart attack during work capability assessment

  4. mamasick says:

    Thanks, Ron. Your response to me was inspiring and encouraging. Yes, it’s been difficult. I wrote two posts in January, witch is better than the once a month I’ve been posting. Despite what I consider not my best work I’m glad it resonated with you.

  5. Junie says:

    Hi Mama
    it’s been awhile huh….I’m exactly in the same place, I haven’t even looked at my blog in months…even now I’m ready to stop writing. I replied to someone earlier and I waffled on, nothing to do with the subject. My brain doesn’t work the same since the Dec 2012 incident with my lungs. I am now on 3 nebulizer meds, I’ve inflammation now in my stomach and oesophagus plus my rectum (per scope) waiting on biopsy….I’m weepy so I’ll so Bless you Mama and hopeful spring will help our depression honey.
    Junie´s last blog post ..REMOVED

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