My depression has been increasing of late, although not at all to the point of suicidal thoughts. Add to that anxiety with a little agoraphobia thrown in and it makes for one useless human being.

I’m okay when Tyler is home, I can manage to take him out, but when he’s with Grant I stay home under the covers with showering being optional. I read or watch Netflix or I sleep. My house is a mess but I can’t get up the motivation to get off the couch or bed. I know I should be exercising and I hate the way my body looks but I just can’t get moving. As soon as I am done with this blog I am spending the rest of the day in bed until Tyler comes home from school. He doesn’t care if I look a mess or not but I know someday he will.

Whenever I get really depressed my blog suffers because I have absolutely no inspiration. I’m scarce on social media too, not being able to see the smiling faces of my friends and family on Facebook. I’m not interested in reading other people’s blogs, even though I may learn something. And I’ve pinned so many depression and chronic illness pins my feed looks like one big funeral.

I’ve been having some money problems so I’ve had to put off going to the psychiatrist and therapist, although I am taking my medication. My meds are obviously not working but I’m afraid to try something new because of the side effects. Or maybe this is the best it gets for me? I’m grateful I’m not manic so I suppose depression is better? Is it too much to hope for a balance?

Whenever I go to my therapist all she tells me to do is breathe. Breathing is the answer for everything. I’m tired of breathing, I just want to be better.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I know when I don’t post I lose readership, another depressing thought.

So for now I’m just hanging out, hoping for better days ahead but scared the best is behind me.


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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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