A Journal Entry Long Forgotten

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

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Prompt #5:  Share an Old Journal Entry

When I saw this prompt I got so excited!  I had kept a diary or journal from age eight to about 30!  What would I PICK?  I finally decided to take a post that was from my wicked young to mid 20s past; ooo, how salacious!  But, unfortunately, in my landfill, I mean, apartment, I could find none of those journals.

I did find one from my college years, though, which in many other ways is interesting.  I am almost 19, I am a virgin, I think I am in love, for the second or third time (of many more ‘think I am in love’ to come!)  Such a naive girl; when almost 20 “Parker” was the most important thing in life, before my marriage, before the death of my father, and way before the birth of my child.  But back then this is how “almost 19-year-old me” felt, and I must honor that. And I am so thankful I have this diary, as I would have never remembered this event! I read the entry and my brain said, “Oh yeah, now I remember!” Back when things were written for your diary only and not for the whole world as they are now! Oh, one more thing, for the sake of explanation, Parker was dating many, many women…and I have edited this a bit for word length.

Warning:  There is some sexy stuff and language here so if you do not want to read about…college sexual situations, you may want to skip this post, but those brave enough may find it hysterically funny, and you could always stop reading! Ok?  Ok!

10/22/88 Time: 1:26 p.m. Weather:  Horrible, cold windy Yesterday:  A-

Dear Diary,

Well, little wonder, I was with Parker again last night.  We were at Lisa’s party and Eileen wasn’t there and Lisa’s mind was on some other guy so I was free.  I pulled him over to the bed while I was sitting and I told him about the dream I had about him…he laughed when I told him.    We sat together a little while longer, then he said, “What are you doing after this?” I was like, “Going to bed.” “Well, stop by my room before you go.”  I said I would.

I told Chris, Susan and Elena and we all screamed because they all know how much I want him!

Oh, I forgot.  I asked Parker if he were drunk, he goes, “No, why? Would you take advantage of me if I was?”  I laughed and said, “Well I’m drunk.” If that wasn’t a “come-on” then I don’t know what is!

So, he left, anyway, as I was leaving Lisa goes, “You going to get fucked?”  I go, “Oh, and you’re not?”, because that guy of hers was here…

…So, I went to Parker’s room…He motioned for me to lie down besides him.  Then we started kissing.  He took his underwear off.  I was on top of him.  He rubbed up against me and he put his hands down my pants on my behind which I really liked. He took my hand and put it on his penis.  At first I moved my hand away, he laughed, but then, tried again and I decided to do it.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I feel funny about describing it though.  I touched his testicles too.

He told me how to do it to make him come.  He goes, “I feel like a tutor.”  It wasn’t working and he said for me to lick my hand.  I said no, he licked it but it still doesn’t work.  Then he goes, “In my drawer, I have-” “No!” He said it wasn’t a “rubber”, it was lubricating cream, but I still refused. My hand was getting tired.  It didn’t work with me on top even though I liked it.  So finally, he was on top and he came.  All over. My sweater, my underwear, his bed.  He said to go wash up.  I had to take my underwear off.  I’m fearful I can get pregnant but Parker said no, but with my luck!

He played with my breasts.  He gave me a t-shirt which I am still wearing.  He asked if I would spend the night.  I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t have my contact lense case or a nightgown.  He said, “Well, next time you’ll have them.”  So at least there will be a next time.  I decided to stay anyway.

So we slept, but the bed is small so we were cramped, especially me, because he is big.  I left around 9 a.m.  I borrowed sweatpants and a book bag and went home. Susan was shocked about how much I did but I am still okay with it.  But really, this has got to stop, we are going too far.

Well I’ve got to clean my room and bathroom because my parents and aunt and uncle are coming over.

Please don’t think I’m a slut because I’ve only been with two guys in my LIFE.  And Parker is the furthest I’ve even been with and it’s only because I care so much about him.  I want for us so badly for us to have a real relationship.  I hope all goes well.  Love, Emily”

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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12 Responses to A Journal Entry Long Forgotten

  1. Tendai says:

    Did you really ask your diary not to think of you as a slut or were you asking us? Anyway, not judging you because my friends and I were having these discussions around 14 and some were even younger. Only I was the one saying, “Hey use a condom so you don’t get pregnant or catch a disease!” They thought I was so unromantic. What silly billies!

  2. Caroline says:

    I love so much that you had to clean, because your family was coming over. That reminds me so much of one of my stories!

  3. Jenners says:

    Oh you are SOOOOO brave!! I could never share this kind of stuff–even if I wrote this explicitly in my diary, which I didn’t because even in my most private thoughts I am a prude. : )

    I love that we both chose to do journal entries from about the same time in our lives but we were so wildly different.

    Thanks for sharing. : )

    Visiting from Mama Kats.

  4. Kristi says:

    I love this journal entry. The honesty, the naivity, the innocence (Yes! The innocence!) You were so sweet as you were trying to figure it all out, trying to get through the awkwardness, and then finally trying to justify it.
    I couldn’t help but think “what did he do for YOU?” lol But at 19 we didn’t really think about that…you were trying to make him “happy”.
    Your bravery at sharing something so intimate is awesome!

  5. Peg says:

    I applaud your bravery for sharing something so intimate. I don’t think I was brave enough to even admit these things to my diary. I was too afraid someone would read it! The innocence is priceless. Love it.

    Sstopping by from Mama Kat’s.

  6. Francesca says:

    The memories, they flood back with a river of feelings. Spun this reader’s world as you opened my eyes and let me live vicariously.

    As a dear friend, your “testimony” speaks the truth of a young woman’s destiny…Count this towards your honest, relatable character and relatable future. Many firsts you’ve accomplished and proud that you choose to share them with me!

  7. admin says:

    For Peg and all: If you think that was intimate, you should see what entries I DID not share! Yep, I wrote it all; with exact quotes and feelings, and if my parents would have read it they would have thrown me out of the house, as well as stopped paying for my college!

  8. admin says:

    For Kristi and all:

    What did he do for me?

    I think to his credit and for God’s blessing, he did not take advantage of me. He allowed me to experience my budding sexuality on my terms and never forced me into anything that I did not want to do. We never made love, I was not ready to at that time and he never pressured me during our time together.

    I was very fortunate as some poor young women were not.

  9. admin says:

    For Jenners and all,

    I did have some wild times in college and in my 20s, along with a lot of drama and heartache. But it made me into the person I am today and do not regret it, and am mostly thankful for it all.

    Today I almost practically homebound. I feel at least that I did get to live some type of a life before my diseases took over.

    Life and health are precious, live them to the fullest, all!

  10. admin says:

    For Caroline and all: Re: cleaning: I know, I am having all this drama, but I must keep up the illusion to my family that their daughter is the good girl that they still think she is!

    Well, it worked!

  11. Jennifer says:

    You are a dirty, dirty girl!! Haha! Just kidding! Great post my friend. You are quite brave for sharing such an intimate moment.

  12. Journaling is my therapy and I have two different journals. Do you have multiple journals?

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