Resentment: What Ive Feared the Most is Already Happening

(Laptop update, yep, I am still using hubby’s.  I finally dragged myself back to the store where I had to leave my laptop again with them.  I hope they will take good care of her.  They told me she would be ready in 24 hours, fingers crossed.  What happened there and this afternoon is a post for another day. If you are new to my blog or catching up, Grants laptop has a possessive/quote key that works about 25% of the time.  As he is a professional writer I do not know how he can stand this, but there it is.  I write this to let people know that my grammar and editing are much better than it would appear. Thank you.)

(Also, for whatever reason, my formatting in this post is a mess.  I have emailed a friend to help me fix it, but I beg you, please stick with it, or at least come back later when it is fixed.  I really wanted to put this up and if you read on you will see why.  Thank you.)

Lately I have been feeling what I usually refer to as Less Than My Usual Level of Crap as I honestly never can say I am having a good day. Theres either Crap or Less Than Crap.  First off, I have had some stubborn bug bites that despite treatments of antibiotic, anti-itch creams and bandages, have refused to heal for a couple of weeks now and they look so bad that I have made an appointment to get them checked out by my Primary Physician on Monday.  And they happen to be on a very embarrassing spot on my body, my, uh, tush.  As I do spend a good part of the day bed-bound, be it from being unwell or just plain being on the computer half the day, the paranoia in me is fearing bed sores, of course.  But when you have Lupus, it can make your body do some whacked-out things with something as simple as a bug bite.

To add to that, for the past two days I have been having some sort of low-grade infection, coughing up stuff, having a sore throat and a low-grade fever. More achy than usual and feeling hung over when I awake, or more hung over, I should say.

I have been wanting to put up a post and pictures of Tyler’s wonderful graduation but have just been feeling too sick and now so gloomy, post-ceremony and post-celebration, to do the occasion justice.

As I had written above, today was an interesting day with a lot of meaningful ups and downs worth a post of its own. Tyler and I had been out and about doing chores.  School ended the day he graduated, Wednesday; camp will start on Monday.  Again, a post worth all its own.

When I came home I collapsed into bed, around 4:00, and had set my alarm for 6:00 p.m.  Tyler knocked on my door at around 5:30.  Mommy, wake up! I got up, I had to go to the bathroom anyway.  I felt like I hadn’t slept in days.  Honey, let Mommy sleep for another half an hour.  She will get up when this television show is over.

When the alarm rang, I got up for good.  I felt so awful.  Freezing from the fever, in pain, shaky and exhausted.  What I didn’t know and realized only now was that Grant had fallen asleep too.  Usually we make it a point to have one of us up with Tyler, like in shifts, and if this ever happens, we have instructed Tyler to wake Daddy up, to even jump on him if he needs to, but for some reason he didn’t wake Grant up.  He wanted ME and he was hopping mad that I had slept for two hours.

Tyler started asking me for stuff, to play, to watch t.v., to get him a snack, even though I would be making dinner soon. He was yelling.  I told him the first thing I needed to do was to make myself a cup of coffee.  I needed to rest on the couch for like 15 to 20 minutes and then I told him I would be making dinner.  Please do not think that we do not feed the child, he gets plenty of meals and snacks.

I started making the coffee.  I was feeling so awful, the worst in a long time.  I was feeling guilty too, even though Tyler and I had had a nice day together.

Mommy, I hate you!

Normally I don’t let what Tyler says bother me, but I was feeling so vulnerable.  I hated me too.

I don’t want to live with you any more!  I want to be with Marks parents!

Oh you do, do you? I started to shake and I felt tears forming.

I don’t like you!

For the first time ever, I lost it, with my child, my four-and-a-half-year-old child, who can go from I Hate You to Youre The Best Mommy In The World in a matter of 60 seconds.  Whose mind changes like the wind.  I started to cry. Probably the worst thing you could let your child see you do, probably damaging him forever.  He had the power, he had to have been scared to see me crack.  But he kept on.

Dont talk to me!  I don’t want to talk to you any more!

At this point this physically, mentally ill mom, who is always in pain started to really cry.  And then Tyler realized what he had done. The Child had become the Adult and realized how much he had hurt his mother.  He started to calm down but still wasnt exactly ready to admit that he was wrong.

I don’t like you, but I still love you.

And then the Sick Mommy began to turn back into Adult Mommy.  That’s okay.  You know how we always talk about how a lot of times you can not like what the person is doing , but you still love them anyway?  Like I might get mad at something you did, but I will always love you.

We hugged.  And a few minutes later Tyler became the Good Child and said, I’m sorry mommy, I love you.

I love you too, honey.

And we both felt better.

The end.  Or lamentably, just the beginning.  The beginning of a lot of arguments where Tyler will blame me for screwing up his whole life; for not being able to take him to Disney World, for not being able to buy him his own computer.  For being embarrassed to have friends over.  For having to work while his friends are out having a good time.  For not being able to help him buy a car. For being so poor.   All will be blamed on my illness which had led me to become so poor.

But starting at just four-and-a-half-years-old?  I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.  And now I wait…for the next time.

A Journal Entry Long Forgotten

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.


Prompt #5:  Share an Old Journal Entry

When I saw this prompt I got so excited!  I had kept a diary or journal from age eight to about 30!  What would I PICK?  I finally decided to take a post that was from my wicked young to mid 20s past; ooo, how salacious!  But, unfortunately, in my landfill, I mean, apartment, I could find none of those journals.

I did find one from my college years, though, which in many other ways is interesting.  I am almost 19, I am a virgin, I think I am in love, for the second or third time (of many more ‘think I am in love’ to come!)  Such a naive girl; when almost 20 “Parker” was the most important thing in life, before my marriage, before the death of my father, and way before the birth of my child.  But back then this is how “almost 19-year-old me” felt, and I must honor that. And I am so thankful I have this diary, as I would have never remembered this event! I read the entry and my brain said, “Oh yeah, now I remember!” Back when things were written for your diary only and not for the whole world as they are now! Oh, one more thing, for the sake of explanation, Parker was dating many, many women…and I have edited this a bit for word length.

Warning:  There is some sexy stuff and language here so if you do not want to read about…college sexual situations, you may want to skip this post, but those brave enough may find it hysterically funny, and you could always stop reading! Ok?  Ok!

10/22/88 Time: 1:26 p.m. Weather:  Horrible, cold windy Yesterday:  A-

Dear Diary,

Well, little wonder, I was with Parker again last night.  We were at Lisa’s party and Eileen wasn’t there and Lisa’s mind was on some other guy so I was free.  I pulled him over to the bed while I was sitting and I told him about the dream I had about him…he laughed when I told him.    We sat together a little while longer, then he said, “What are you doing after this?” I was like, “Going to bed.” “Well, stop by my room before you go.”  I said I would.

I told Chris, Susan and Elena and we all screamed because they all know how much I want him!

Oh, I forgot.  I asked Parker if he were drunk, he goes, “No, why? Would you take advantage of me if I was?”  I laughed and said, “Well I’m drunk.” If that wasn’t a “come-on” then I don’t know what is!

So, he left, anyway, as I was leaving Lisa goes, “You going to get fucked?”  I go, “Oh, and you’re not?”, because that guy of hers was here…

…So, I went to Parker’s room…He motioned for me to lie down besides him.  Then we started kissing.  He took his underwear off.  I was on top of him.  He rubbed up against me and he put his hands down my pants on my behind which I really liked. He took my hand and put it on his penis.  At first I moved my hand away, he laughed, but then, tried again and I decided to do it.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I feel funny about describing it though.  I touched his testicles too.

He told me how to do it to make him come.  He goes, “I feel like a tutor.”  It wasn’t working and he said for me to lick my hand.  I said no, he licked it but it still doesn’t work.  Then he goes, “In my drawer, I have-” “No!” He said it wasn’t a “rubber”, it was lubricating cream, but I still refused. My hand was getting tired.  It didn’t work with me on top even though I liked it.  So finally, he was on top and he came.  All over. My sweater, my underwear, his bed.  He said to go wash up.  I had to take my underwear off.  I’m fearful I can get pregnant but Parker said no, but with my luck!

He played with my breasts.  He gave me a t-shirt which I am still wearing.  He asked if I would spend the night.  I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t have my contact lense case or a nightgown.  He said, “Well, next time you’ll have them.”  So at least there will be a next time.  I decided to stay anyway.

So we slept, but the bed is small so we were cramped, especially me, because he is big.  I left around 9 a.m.  I borrowed sweatpants and a book bag and went home. Susan was shocked about how much I did but I am still okay with it.  But really, this has got to stop, we are going too far.

Well I’ve got to clean my room and bathroom because my parents and aunt and uncle are coming over.

Please don’t think I’m a slut because I’ve only been with two guys in my LIFE.  And Parker is the furthest I’ve even been with and it’s only because I care so much about him.  I want for us so badly for us to have a real relationship.  I hope all goes well.  Love, Emily”