My fourth blogiversary finds me very introspective with a feeling of uncertainty. It is not like my second anniversary post where I wrote with a feeling of empowerment and excitement of what was to come.
Mental illness has been the worst of my diseases since Christmas 2011. My depression forced me to take an eight month leave of absence from my blog in 2012 so I did not mark my third year anniversary of blogging. I took about a two month break this year. Depression leaves me uninspired to write and my mind so dull that technically putting up a post is almost impossible.
Currently I am coming out of a depression. I have had two depressive episodes this year and one manic episode, and have been hospitalized twice. It’s been quite a year and we are only in May.
Despite therapy and medication, I feel very unsure about what the future holds for me. Planning for a vacation is impossible; what if I am feeling too unwell to handle a trip?
How am I going to be feeling next month or even next week?
How will my bipolar disorder affect Tyler in the long term?
I wonder, where could this blog have gone if I had not had mental illness? Perhaps I could have written that book that has been floating around in my head, or made some money with advertising, enough to supplement my income? How many people could I have reached with my message if I were not sick?
I feel very angry at my mental illness as I begin my fifth year of Mama Sick. I am not so enthusiastic about being a spokesperson this time around.
I do want to thank you. Even though I had a huge break in writing last year and a two month gap this year you have stuck with me. You never forgot about Mama Sick and last year I came back better than ever.
I will not let Mental Illness win and I hope you will not let your illnesses win either.
I will keep fighting and writing.
And I hope you will keep reading and sharing.