Epic Fail

I was looking forward this weekend to meeting people from one of my Facebook groups at a state park. The group is made up of people in my county who help spread the word when a pet goes missing and I thought they would be a very nice group to meet, with all of us having our love for animals in common.

At 8:00 Sunday morning I felt good and was looking forward to going. Then at 8:30 the anxiety began to kick in. The fear of driving to the park by myself, the sweltering heat of the day; I even had anxiety about getting into the shower, shaving and dressing.

I still felt I had plenty of time to “get it together” but my anxiety only got worse and I started to feel sick to my stomach. I took two of my sedatives for when I am anxious but by about 11:00 I knew I wasn’t going to make it.

When I announced this to Jacques I immediately felt better. The thought of not going out and not showering, and watching Netflix and reading relaxed me. The sedatives kicked in and I fell asleep.

When the party was over and the Facebook posts about the get together started to pop up, I felt really disappointed in myself. I wondered, and you may be wondering too, “Why didn’t I just push myself?” I knew once I could get there I would be okay but the hill to get to that point was just too steep to climb.

The group said they may hold another get-together in early fall on the beach. Hopefully through therapy and the right medicine I can get my anxiety in check to be able to go to it.

For now I just feel like I failed myself. I missed out on something where I possibly would have made some real life friends and I haven’t made any friends since I moved to Ohio.

I haven’t been out in five days but I managed to take a shower yesterday. Today I am planning on taking my son to the pool. On Thursday night he will test for his next belt in Tae Kwon Do and I know I will be there. I seem to be able to make the important events for him but if it’s something for me, I just can’t make myself do it.

For now I will just remain in my tight circle of loved ones, Tyler and Jacques. Even my son’s dad and I get along well but that’s about it.

For now I will concentrate on being the best mother I can to my son and making sure he has as good a summer I can give him.

Epic Fail

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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