I was looking forward this weekend to meeting people from one of my Facebook groups at a state park. The group is made up of people in my county who help spread the word when a pet goes missing and I thought they would be a very nice group to meet, with all of us having our love for animals in common.
At 8:00 Sunday morning I felt good and was looking forward to going. Then at 8:30 the anxiety began to kick in. The fear of driving to the park by myself, the sweltering heat of the day; I even had anxiety about getting into the shower, shaving and dressing.
I still felt I had plenty of time to “get it together” but my anxiety only got worse and I started to feel sick to my stomach. I took two of my sedatives for when I am anxious but by about 11:00 I knew I wasn’t going to make it.
When I announced this to Jacques I immediately felt better. The thought of not going out and not showering, and watching Netflix and reading relaxed me. The sedatives kicked in and I fell asleep.
When the party was over and the Facebook posts about the get together started to pop up, I felt really disappointed in myself. I wondered, and you may be wondering too, “Why didn’t I just push myself?” I knew once I could get there I would be okay but the hill to get to that point was just too steep to climb.
The group said they may hold another get-together in early fall on the beach. Hopefully through therapy and the right medicine I can get my anxiety in check to be able to go to it.
For now I just feel like I failed myself. I missed out on something where I possibly would have made some real life friends and I haven’t made any friends since I moved to Ohio.
I haven’t been out in five days but I managed to take a shower yesterday. Today I am planning on taking my son to the pool. On Thursday night he will test for his next belt in Tae Kwon Do and I know I will be there. I seem to be able to make the important events for him but if it’s something for me, I just can’t make myself do it.
For now I will just remain in my tight circle of loved ones, Tyler and Jacques. Even my son’s dad and I get along well but that’s about it.
For now I will concentrate on being the best mother I can to my son and making sure he has as good a summer I can give him.