Max is Back!

After five weeks, my kitty Max has come back to us! Jacques was looking out the window and he said, “There’s Max”. He was on the street looking at the house. I ran outside and cried, “Max!” and he ran to me and practically leaped into my arms!

He looks good, well fed and clean. Ever since he’s been home he’s done little else but eat and sleep on my bed. He doesn’t seem interested in going out. Did he even know he was lost? Was he with someone else? Max is telling no tales.

I really thought I’d never see him again, I was just praying he was with another family and not running around cold or hungry. Every night Tyler and I would pray for Max’s safe return and his prayers were heartbreaking. He ran over to Max and hugged him, he was so happy! Max is really good and patient with Tyler who has a tendency to be a little rambunctious.

I had thought we would get a kitten for Tyler but there is no substitute for our Max!

Thanks to all who prayed and sent good wishes and thoughts. I am so happy to have my beloved kitty home!

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F*ck This Sh#t!

If you have been following along, you will know that I have been nauseous with a low grade fever since September and no one has been able to find the cause.

A couple of weeks ago, I had an Upper G.I.series which came back normal and it’s like my Gastroenterologist has washed her hands of me. I am going though perimenopause and I am taking something OTC for my hot flashes which has worked beautifully. Nausea IS a symptom of perimenopause, though not a common one. I emailed my gynecologist to ask her for something for nausea, I mean what does she give pregnant women who have morning sickness(?) and she told me I should follow up with my Primary Care doc, which brings me right back to the beginning.

I am homebound due to this. I haven’t showered in days because I am too sick.

A couple of weeks ago, Tyler, Jacques and I all came down with the stomach virus and ever since then it’s been even worse. In fact, this whole thing started with a stomach virus.

I cancel everything; dental appointments, appointments with my sleep specialist. I haven’t been to therapy in months. One thing that I did cancel that I could kick myself for is an appointment with my Rheumatologist. I am sick, but I have no Rheumatological symptoms, no pain or swelling. I thought he would laugh at me but he would have been a good doctor to go to and now I will have to wait until June.

I can’t go to Tyler’s doctor’s appointments and yesterday Jacques took him for a haircut, thank God for him! The last time I went out was for Tyler’s tae kwon do tournament, over a
week ago.

It’s also frustration with the little things; my eyebrows need waxing and I am in desperate need of a pedicure. Plus looking at my dirty self in front of the mirror does nothing for my self esteem. I can’t do the things I need to do to feel good about myself.

I am so desperate for relief that if I wasn’t afraid of the paranoia I would even try marijuana for nausea relief. I’ve never done an illegal drug in my life, I am the straightest arrow, so you know I’m getting desperate!

My day goes like this: wake up, the nausea hits immediately, get Tyler off to school then take some sedatives to make me fall asleep so that I can sleep through at least part of the nausea. I try to make calls and I’m ordering a lot from the internet. I do a lot of reading but sometimes I can only just lay. Even this laptop is bothering my stomach.

At this point I don’t know where to turn. I’m open to nausea remedies, possible causes of this, and prayers and good thoughts for this nightmare to end.

Very often I feel too nauseous to blog and I am not even going to bother to find a cute photo for this post. I haven’t even proofread this like 10 times. Deal with it.

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February 29th is Rare Disease Day

Did you know that there are approximately 7,000 different types of rare diseases and disorders, with more being discovered each day?

That 30 million people in the United States are living with rare diseases which equates to 1 in 10 Americans or 10% of the U.S. population?

And that 50% of those suffering from rare diseases are children?

19 year old Cheyanne has Dysautonomia. Dysautonomia is the term of an illness that describes the “malfunction of the autonomic nervous system.” The autonomic nervous system controls all of the body’s duties that occur automatically – all of the functions that most take for granted. This includes blood pressure, heart rate, breathing patterns, digestion, vision, the bladder and kidneys, and more.

In her own words, Cheyanne tells us how Dysautonomia affects her life.

“My case is one of the less fortunate ones due to experiencing symptoms practically my entire life and continually progressing with age.

The amount of support received by friends and family is immense, initially. That is, until months of treatments, pills, and intravenous infusions turn to years. “Healthies,” as I prefer to term them, do not have time to entertain chronic illness. They have lives to live. Lives that are not conducive to Dysautonomia induced sick days and the incessant cancelling of plans. I feel that this is an issue that greatly shocks the younger Dysautonomia population once diagnosed.

Illness at a young age (does) add a unique aspect to both friendships and romantic relationships alike. It forms closer bonds knowing that relationships do require increased effort. It easily rules out who truly cares. My current partner of over three years is a prime example. Although we are now both adults, what other teenage boy wouldn’t run for the hills as their girlfriend of only a couple of months begins hysterically crying after showing up to school or a date with a feeding tube plastered to her face?

Receiving a Dysautonomia diagnosis is undoubtedly harsh news to process. It does not indicate that life is over though. It is possible to pursue a future. However, education and work are definitely areas in my life that becoming ill has interfered with since my health decline began.

In eighth grade I was given no choice but to begin a homeschooling education. As I entered high school, my schooling became more erratic. A manageable plan was concocted though. For an hour and a half daily, I would attend the high school for one class period. I was also granted permission to attend the local community college for dual enrollment after passing a test to do so. Two days of the week I would partake in a class there. The remainder of my education every semester was completed through the online college courses or through online high school. I fought to ensure that the countless appointments, sick days, surgeries, and medical interventions did not deter my dreams.

I did not have the normal high school experience. I never had the opportunity to become involved with extracurricular activities. I never, and still have not, had the chance to begin my first job. Pep rallies and high school sports games did not exist in my vocabulary. And only physically participating in one course a day does not necessarily lead to a strong social life.

Regardless, I graduated high school this last May as valedictorian and five classes short of earning my AA degree in English. I received nearly a full ride scholarship to Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida. Life was good. With proper accommodations, I was set to begin dorm life. Everyone’s hopes were that my high school situation did not foreshadow my college experience.

I never made it to Rollins. Instead, I spent what was supposedly going to be the best years of my life inpatient at the hospital after my Mast Cell Disease and Dysautonomia took a downwards spiral. As I write this, I am hooked up to J tube feeds, continuous IV fluids, multiple continuous IV medications and other IV medications scheduled every six hours. I do not get to leave all of that behind at the hospital following discharge.

My original plans may not have transpired. I may be paying more to go to a local college than I would if I were able to attend Rollins. My biggest worry may not be about the next midterm exam or which party I want to make my grand appearance to. But my life is not over because of Dysautonomia and other health conditions diagnosed. Sick or healthy, God has a plan for my life. He does for you too.”

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A Memorable Date

This prompt is in response to Mamakat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Prompt 1. A Memorable Date

I was a freshman in college and had a crush on a sophomore whom I was in a play with. “Peter” was handsome, talented and smart, but I was very shy and, while friendly with him, I didn’t know how to take it further.

We were both taking Art History and the professor gave us the assignment that we were to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, pick a piece of art and write two to three pages on it. One of my friends had the great idea that I should ask Peter to come with me since we had to both go there anyway.

So I got up my courage and asked and he said yes! I was over the moon! But was this a
date or a friendship outing? One of my friends said, “If he buys you a pretzel, it’s a date!”

I tried to dress like I wasn’t on a date even though I wanted it to be! We took the train into the city and took the subway to the museum. We looked around the museum and chose a Greek boy, or a Kouros. It was a simple sculpture and we chose it because it looked really easy to do!

We sat on the ground as many students do and wrote and wrote, both putting in all the b.s. we could, you know how you did that in college!

I was beside myself! Here I was in New York City in a romantic setting with the boy I loved!

After we finished we walked around the museum for a while, then Peter suggested lunch…and he PAID for it! Woo hoo!

When we took the subway home I was sitting and Peter was standing over me and he was looking at me and smiling with what we used to say “eyes of love”! I was freaking!

Eventually Peter and I did date. He was gentle and made me feel really special but my
hopes were dashed when I found out he was dating TWO other girls in the play. I guess I wasn’t so special after all.

I heard that Peter is married with kids but we never kept in touch. Still, I look back on our “maybe date” with fondness.

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Missing Max

I don’t want to think the worst, but Tyler’s cat, Max, has been missing for over two weeks. I feed and shelter a feral cat on my porch and Max is scared to death of her and lately has been having trouble coming to and going out my door.

I have never had an indoor-outdoor cat before, and I swear I never will again. It happened when Max was a kitten and he went out the door a couple of times by accident and came back hours later. After that he wanted out all the time.

I think it must be regional but having an indoor-outdoor cat is more accepted here. Even the vets think it has some benefits; the cats being fit and less anxious than the ones who are indoor only. And in Europe it is widely done.

This is not the first time this has happened with Max, but it has been the longest. We’ve had some really cold nights too, but the weather is warming up. Last night Tyler was praying to Saint Francis, the patron saint of animals, for Max to come home and he started to cry.

I refuse to give up hope. There are a lot of people who feed cats in my development and he can be eating that way. Plus he is friendly enough to walk into someone’s home and perhaps he’s given up on our house because he is so scared of the feral cat.

Prayers or good thoughts are appreciated that Max comes home safe and sound!

My handsome boy Max is on the right and my pretty girl Betty is on the left!

My handsome boy Max is on the right and my pretty girl Betty is on the left!

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When I Look in the Mirror…

This is my first time posting with Finish the Sentence Friday. If you would like to link up or check it out you can do so here.

Today’s prompt is “When I Look in the Mirror…”

My first thought is …I see nothing good. Before I became chronically ill with conditions such as Lupus and depression, I though nothing of doing my hair and makeup every day, for work and the weekends. I never thought of going anywhere without doing myself up and I was pleased with my reflection.

Then I became sick and doing my hair, blowdrying it or curling it, became too painful. I could no longer stand up to do my makeup. Eventually I just didn’t bother any more. I was always clean, but could no longer improve my appearance. I wonder now where pretty went to.

I’ve been suffering from depression for a long time and it is both mentally and physically exhausting. I still do not have the energy to do my hair, going outside with it wet even in the winter. Because I have not blown it dry my hair frizzes up and I hate it.

I also see a double chin or two when I look in the mirror. I have gained 50 pounds from the psychiatric medications I am taking. I have lost some of the weight but still hate how fat my face looks.

When I look into the mirror I see someone who is mentally ill. I feel like I stand out in the crowd, like you could pick me out and tell I am sick. I feel like I don’t belong.

There are some things that do make me feel better about myself. I do color and cut my hair on a regular basis at a salon which also does my makeup for free. I feel like I look good every couple of months or so! And I also joined a Facebook group called “Pretty Sick”, which is a group that believes that just because you are sick doesn’t mean you have to look it. Now when I go out I make sure I put on lip gloss, that is easy enough to do.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

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Half of the Answer

I have to credit my aunt with telling me that my sweating could be the start of perimenopause. I’ve been dealing with sweat pouring down me to just a bit of physical activity working up a sweat since the summer. I looked it up online and in addition to the common symptom of sweating, nausea was also a symptom!

As luck would have it I had my annual appointment with my gynecologist and while she agreed that the sweating was definitely a sign of perimenopause, nausea was not a common symptom. She recommended an upper G.I. series which I have scheduled with my G.I. doc.

She suggested an over the counter supplement for my hot flashes and sure enough I haven’t had a hot flash since! It amazes me that as many doctors as I have seen, not one suggested perimenopause!

I wonder if they will find anything in my upper G.I. series. I am laying on the couch sick to my stomach with writing being very difficult. Sometimes I can read but most days I just have to lay down and hope to fall asleep.

I’m not sure how I feel about entering my perimenopausal years, except I know that they are going to be very annoying! I’m 46, I’m definitely in the right age bracket but I don’t feel 46, you know? In fact, I can’t even believe I’m writing about this topic!

Have you gone through perimenopause or menopause? What symptoms did you experience?

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Book Reviews!

This is based on a writer’s prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

I review all my books on goodreads. I hope you will follow me!

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This book is of the young adult genre but don’t let that stop you. The principal of Opportunity High School ends assembly and the kids find out all the doors are locked…except for one where the shooter enters. This book is done in real time and shows the points of views from about five different kids, and how they are connected. It is a quick, fascinating read, I got into the characters, even the shooter’s, and I would recommend it.

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The cozy mystery genre is one of my favorites and I am working my way through the Melanie Travis mystery series. When Aunt Peg’s husband dies and her prized poodle goes missing at the same time, she enlists her niece, single mom teacher Melanie’s help in figuring out how the two connect. This is the first book in the series. The characters are likable and engaging and the mystery held my interest. Only one warning: this series goes into detail about poodles and dog shows, so if you are not a dog lover you may want to skip it!

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In 1959 writer John Howard Griffin does what people have called the unthinkable; ingests medication and exposes himself to ultraviolet light rays to become a black person. The first part of the book is his journal posing as an African American, exposed to the degradation, hatred and actual terror he experiences. The second part deals with the fallout, both from his supporters and his enemies. The book, especially his journal was really fascinating. I like to think we as a human race have come a long way since then but as we have seen with police officers shooting African Americans, we still have a while to go.

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Twenty-two year old Grace Winters is one of the few lucky survivors of the sinking of the Empress Alexandra and is on trial. That’s all we know for now and then the book takes us to Grace in a lifeboat with 40 other people. Told from Grace’s point of view we get to know the varying personalities in the boat. It was interesting to know what was going on in Grace’s mind and what happens when human beings are trying to survive. Anything else I write would be a spoiler but I definitely recommend the book.

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48-year-old Nantucket Islander Dabney Kimball Beech has an uncanny ability to tell which couples are meant to be together and which couples aren’t. In fact, she has 42 successful matches under her belt. The only one she was wrong about was her high school sweetheart, Clendenin, who chose to leave the island to pursue his dream of international journalism. Now after 27 years Clendenin is back and he is back for her. Some people may find this book cheesy but it really worked for me. It had just the right amount of romance, magic and tragedy and I would have stayed up all night reading it if I didn’t have to get up early the next morning!

So these are what have been on my nightstand lately. I hope you enjoy any of these books here that have sparked your fancy and again, I would love to be friends with you on goodreads!

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A Walk With My Son

Every Sunday, on the weekend day I have Tyler for the whole day, I’m usually too sick to do much of anything, let alone get outdoors with him. He winds up spending most of the day on the tablet and I wind up on the couch, feeling guilty.

On Saturday night I asked God if he would make me feel well so I could take Tyler out. There are some rare days that I am not queasy so I know it is possible. I was doing pretty good on Sunday, no stomach issues, and so I asked Tyler if he would like to go for a walk in the woods. He replied, “Yeah, alright!” and I told him I felt good now but that even if I didn’t later I would still take him. The temperature was going to be over 50 degrees!

The whole morning he kept asking me, “How are you feeling? Do you still feel good?”

Before going on our walk we went to Jacques’s church where they were having a spaghetti lunch. As soon as I walked into the banquet room I felt that it was way too hot in there. (Sweating and low grade fevers are also some of my symptoms.) I started to get nauseous and had to wipe my face off with my napkin a few times. I felt miserable. I said to Tyler, “I might be feeling too sick to go, honey.” “But that would mean that you lied to me mom” and I knew he was right.

When I got outside I was suddenly freezing because I was so soaked from sweating inside. We dropped Jacques off and drove to one of the Cleveland area’s many parks. My temperature equalized and I felt better and not too queasy. We parked the car and took one of the park’s trails that I knew would be one of the shorter ones because I was not sure how long I would be able to walk. I am out of shape and have asthma and Tyler, due to his delay in gross motor skills, doesn’t have the stamina to last long either. We are a perfect match!

Tyler had to stop and say “cute dog!” to every dog owner walking and wanted to pet them.

“Can we hold hands?”, he asked me. “Of course!”, I said, knowing that this was a moment to treasure, that someday he’ll be a teenager who won’t want to be in the same room with me!

There were lovely falls on our walk and on the way back I pointed out to Tyler that people had thrown in coins to wish on. He wanted to do it too but I hadn’t brought my purse with me. Then he got the idea to wish on sticks. “I wish for more sticks!”, he shouted. I asked him to get me one. As I threw it in I said, “I wish for more walks with my son.”

If you are a parent with chronic illness you will know how much this day meant to me. And if you are a healthy parent, be grateful how easy it is to just on the spur of the moment decide to go to a park.

Either way our kids won’t be young forever so these are indeed days to treasure.

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Disability Review Update

When I received a letter from Social Security on Friday I told myself I wasn’t going to open it until Monday because it had the potential to ruin my weekend. But on Saturday when I was by myself I suddenly thought I have to know NOW.

Basically it said that although they told me that they were going to review my case, they do not need to review it at this time and that they would not be contacting any of my doctors. I had received the “short form” for my review and they hadn’t asked for my doctors anyway.

I am very relieved as I do not believe I can work, nor find a decent job if I had to. I have been out of the workforce since 2008. My former career in recruitment would be too stressful and I would have a steep learning curve as I am sure things have changed. I might even need to be retrained for another career but with my cognitive impairment, could I even learn or memorize something new?

Having my disability extended is a mixed blessing. I never counted on getting sick, but it’s good that I receive some sort of income. I often wonder where I would be had I not gotten sick, about the opportunities and life I could have given my son, but I don’t think about it for too long as I would go crazy.

Who knows when Social Security will review my case again? I have no idea but at least for the moment I am safe.

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Excuse the blurriness, my hands are shaking really badly today!

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