I am not even sure how to start this post off, how it will form or if I will publish it.
I have fallen into a deep depression, not just a depression, a kind of stupefying of my brain, where for sure my writing is not flowing, nor is my thinking.
Toward the end of this year, many people around me as well as some healthcare professionals believed I was in the throes of mania. I will be honest, to me I did not seem manic, I felt smart, I was prolific in everything I did, especially when it came to writing. Maybe some mania but I was getting things done.
I had a medication adjustment, no, a complete med change where I was put on mood stabilizers. I had not been on mood stabilizers for a while, as my doctors in Massachusetts believed that since I was stable I did not need to be on stabilizers. I guess this is a controversial way to think but it was fine by me.
Now, I feel I must blame the medicines, they have worked too well, have thrown me in to this depressive state and a “dumbed down” feeling. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I know I have to be on medication, I just wonder why there is so much experimentation on bipolar people? I pray the psychiatrist will change my med regimen, so that I once again can find a happy medium.
Everything is telling me to put this in drafts, to get to bed and try to sleep, but I thought it might be interesting for my readers to see me at my worst, when the words don’t come, when inspiration is ruined by depression.
I sometimes feel as though I am moving through molasses. Normally these are the times I do not write; I did not write for eight months the last time around, and I do not want that to happen again.
Please pray or think good thoughts, that my fog will lift. I don’t want to ever go through something like that again…but am I already in that? Or is their still a spark of life in “medium to manic” Emily?
I will try to keep publishing; that is healthy. I know this post is not scintillating but it is honest. I hope you will stay with me as I try to claw my way back to some type of normal, for me anyway, and I hope you will check back in from time to time if I find it too difficult to publish. I have a large fan base, you, my wonderful readers, and I would hate to lose you.
I try to write the words, the sentences I want to write, but my brain is like someone has dropped a rock in a pond and my thoughts scatter like ripples.
I fear I have become redundant and so I will close. Thank you for reading, for staying with me, and I do hope you will continue with me on the latest part of my journey.
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