From My Very Depths

I am not even sure how to start this post off, how it will form or if I will publish it.

I have fallen into a deep depression, not just a depression, a kind of stupefying of my brain, where for sure my writing is not flowing, nor is my thinking.

Toward the end of this year, many people around me as well as some healthcare professionals believed I was in the throes of mania. I will be honest, to me I did not seem manic, I felt smart, I was prolific in everything I did, especially when it came to writing. Maybe some mania but I was getting things done.

I had a medication adjustment, no, a complete med change where I was put on mood stabilizers. I had not been on mood stabilizers for a while, as my doctors in Massachusetts believed that since I was stable I did not need to be on stabilizers. I guess this is a controversial way to think but it was fine by me.

Now, I feel I must blame the medicines, they have worked too well, have thrown me in to this depressive state and a “dumbed down” feeling. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I know I have to be on medication, I just wonder why there is so much experimentation on bipolar people? I pray the psychiatrist will change my med regimen, so that I once again can find a happy medium.

Everything is telling me to put this in drafts, to get to bed and try to sleep, but I thought it might be interesting for my readers to see me at my worst, when the words don’t come, when inspiration is ruined by depression.

I sometimes feel as though I am moving through molasses. Normally these are the times I do not write; I did not write for eight months the last time around, and I do not want that to happen again.

Please pray or think good thoughts, that my fog will lift. I don’t want to ever go through something like that again…but am I already in that? Or is their still a spark of life in “medium to manic” Emily?

I will try to keep publishing; that is healthy. I know this post is not scintillating but it is honest. I hope you will stay with me as I try to claw my way back to some type of normal, for me anyway, and I hope you will check back in from time to time if I find it too difficult to publish. I have a large fan base, you, my wonderful readers, and I would hate to lose you.

I try to write the words, the sentences I want to write, but my brain is like someone has dropped a rock in a pond and my thoughts scatter like ripples.

I fear I have become redundant and so I will close. Thank you for reading, for staying with me, and I do hope you will continue with me on the latest part of my journey.

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About mamasick

Emily Cullen is a pen-name. I suffer from chronic illnesses and diseases which include Bipolar Disorder, Asthma, Diabetes and Fibromyalgia. I had battled Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but there is no longer evidence of me having these diseases and my Rheumatologist has declared them to be "burnt out" of my system. I am separated from my husband, “Grant”. Our son, “Tyler” was born in September of 2006 and suffers from tics and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and is delayed in fine and gross motor skills. In my blog I seek to let sick moms know that they are not the only ones going through this, and to educate people about what can happens when one becomes catastrophically ill. I also strive to break down stereotypes of what a “Welfare Mom” is like. Anything that I have gone through due to being sick, is written on the pages of Mama Sick.
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2 Responses to From My Very Depths

  1. Linda Harbin says:

    I found your site here on Facebook and want to join the giveaway for the art on your earlier post. But there is no “leave a comment” to click on. So I’ll leave a comment here and hope you find it. I love her art and would love to win a piece! Thank you for this generous giveaway!

    (I hope you find the correct meds and feel better soon. Sending prayers.)

    Linda Harbin
    Linda Harbin´s last blog post ..Valentines Day Tricycle Wheels Lace heart Valentine Head over Wheels in love Original mixed media 8 by 8 in by MidwestieLady

  2. Miss Behavin' says:

    I cannot tell you how much I feel your pain and how incredibly lucky I feel to have stumbled upon your site. I, too, have multiple diagnoses and it is hell. On a really good day, I look and sound normal–actually well above normal! For years I was able to hide the illnesses. Over the course of many years, those “normal looking” days have become fewer and ultimately non-existent. I live my life now from minute to minute not knowing how I will feel. I am struggling every waking moment with just leaving my bedroom, let alone my home. Over this last 2 yrs, my Bipolar has become increasingly difficult to deal with, especially when compounded with the constant, excruciating pain I felt physically from what is now being diagnosed as Lupus, but previously it was just “unknown”. I was able to find some “work from home” positions that didn’t require me to continue at the pace I had been trying so hard (and failing) to keep up with, however, due to my physical/emotional/mental health deterioration, I simply could not produce the results that were needed. I am not a lazy individual, however, it became a serious struggle to get out of bed or answer my phone. I don’t know which part is the worst—the physical or the mental. They are 2 separate medical conditions but they have both run my life for the past 10+ yrs. I refused to apply for disability for years feeling deeply ashamed and sure that at some point it would get better. It only got worse and I finally had to apply for disability. Today I got a letter in the mail: DENIED. Apparently, I am just “not sick enough” and therefore, I am “not disabled”. Right then, now if only someone would please explain that to my body…. I am up right now filling out my appeals forms, got a lawyer/ legal representative today etc… I, too, am going through a divorce. My husband (who has been married 3 times now) is divorcing me because I was too financially draining on him (even though it never stopped him from going out gambling with other women and taking his boat out, his brand new truck, the 3600 sq ft house, etc..) And I have been — wait, let’s see… how did he put it again… the “the worst wife ever”. Apparently, my illnesses were a real pain in his ass and cramped his style. He is very convincing as the suffering husband – he had me convinced and crying, begging, apologizing, promising to get better, etc… So I have just been randomly googling and that’s how I came across your site. And I am so glad I did. Please hang in there because if I have to do it, then damn it, I want to at least be able to read this blog! It is the ONLY thing that has made this day a little better. You are a very brave and honest person and I wish there were more of you in the world. It would be a MUCH better world for sure. Thank you.

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